Day 1 at home

 It's 3.18 am - day 2 at home and this is already an indicator of how terribly I'm treating time management and priorities - writing my second post to get thoughts out when I should be sleeping.

But also to contrast that with how I always give myself less credit than I deserve , even with the bad priorities , there is a baby lying on top of me right now getting comfort and sleeping better because he is physiologically connected to me even as I am just getting started on a journey of getting to know him and even though I had a challenging day and we often get judged for what we don't do when there's so much we do, I do things that are meaningful to those who it is meaningful for. 

Gonna sleep now but will update tomorrow. 

April - birthing

I gave birth but just so I don't discount the small things from this month, I also did something creative for a AI hackathon and it got some attention at my workplace.

I had lots of thoughts for this month and planning done for next few months - a separate post about it will follow - but crux of it is chatgpt did an excellent job giving me grace and dialing down the overachieving burnout version of my plans and it was more human and I was more robot and I was thankful it was more human. 

Okay let's get to birth.

My doula is a UK certified doc and a doula in the US and even for her my birth process was a bit of an  experience which she handled with such patience and kindness.  Initially I did not know what the help of a doula could look like. 

There were a few reasons I wanted her.

- I've learnt to take more chances to support myself. I always put my needs last in the past and had realized the impact it had in my life so I wanted her just so I get to experience how getting guidance from another person could be like.

- I had the benefit at work supporting partial coverage for a doula. 

- I already had a c section so maybe trying a vbac helps reduce impact on core muscles.

- I guess also the curiosity to see if I can make it.

The doula and just every hospital staff reminded me that no one there was just doing a job. They were at a high risk environment that can be stressful exhausting, doing 12 hour shifts, having a calm pleasant face and genuinely bringing their full self to work so they can help every new patient like it was their first one. They had love, care and warmth for a client but you know I wasn't just a client, I was someone they choose to be there for earnestly. 

I showed both the biggest strength, mentally and physically I have ever shown but also wondered why the hell did I do not opt for a c section with epidural many times since 53 hour early plus actual labor is no easy ordeal. 

Every decision was driven by future pain and future fear while managing current pain. 

Friday 6.30 early labor started. We started tracking. 8 minutes once seemed close enough and consistent enough, but 5 minutes was the golden number and consistency was more than 6-8 minute variability that I saw. Still I called the doula. She wanted us to wait but going through the night breathing through it not knowing what was gonna happen next, not knowing what I would do if I took a late call, I kept updating her at wee hours. Rathan was helpful but asleep and I felt extra helpless and fearful when there wasn't someone aware of what I was going through. Some times I was like I should let him sleep so I can call him later and also wondering if doula should be called later but eventually ended up waking him and calling her. 

She helped me through the night with some exercises, then we decided we will just try to rest till morning. She went back home and I tried to rest. We took a call to go to hospital because we weren't sure baby was moving - so once we confirmed that we checked dilation I was at 3 cm which was good news. We took the choice of going home and dilating more and coming back. 

Harriet's backup doula was helping me at home and also very kind and helpful. She said I was doing very good exercises and breathing.

Then we did some breathing. There was the mucus plug and bloody show stuff. We were 5 minutes apart and went to hospital. We were still at 3 or 4 I think but they decided I can stay at hospital now and continue. Harriet encouraged me to do some exercises and I was telling her I was drowsy and would like to rest first. She said she will go home and rest as well. 

I took some morphine - I was scared if I would become psychotic and kept delaying the decision but eventually took it. It did not give me pain relief but between contractions it let me sleep for 5 minutes at a time. 

Now I was on my second night of contractions and again when there was no one watching and the contractions started and I got off the bed , walked , tried to sit erect on the bed while my leg was not cooperating, and there was no one to watch if I was okay or not, the fear started coming up. There's something about being in pain and not having someone that makes it scary. 

Rathan was there all the whole, coordinating between Zaya and Arvind who came exactly one day later than would have been ideal but still perfectly in time for the next few days so more blessed than sad. He lost sleep with me and helped massage me.

The doulas were natural and had amazing massaging techniques to counter pain. Ajey was always sincerely attempting but too gentle for a massage and kept repeating things like lower the shoulder , breathe through it because that's what he learnt looking at the doula. 

It was still a lot of help and showing up from Ajey through sleeplessness. The doulas were so impressed with the kind of help he was doing and feeding me food like I was a child. 

In the night I was constantly wondering if I should let the poor man sleep or call out for help.

At one point it got painful enough and the doulas were also surprised earlier when the hospital refused epidural as this was a first for the doulas. 

The hospital refused epidural because I could get to a certain dilation and then just stay there for a few days on epidurL which is something they wanted to avoid. 

In my mind I decided I needed a epidural and said I was okay with getting a c section if that's the only way the hospital would get me a epidural. It felt helpless that the hospital did not let me be the decider about epidural. 

With the second doula, I think I progressed with breathing and got to 6 cm and they moved me to labor and delivery which had more space. 

Then they gave me epidural. I still felt the pain. Then I got bollus top up. And it was painful and painfully long. We were getting to more dilation. They wanted to break water, thankfully I broke already so that was another good sign but they still wanted to break it. Things progressed.

So morphine , epidural, bollus was used. I refused more morphine. 

The one thing I wanted to avoid was induction because of the fear of tearing and faster contractions.

I was almost at 9-10 at cervical check, as per doc. She mentioned there does not seem to be a problem with cervix. 

And then some politics started. The nurse overrode the new resident doc saying she has to recheck the cervix. And said it's 9 and not 10 - there's some cervix there and they cant risk going forwRd until I took pitocin for induction. 

An uncomfortable number of cervix checks was being done so I was getting better at saying no.

For induction, I refused , negotiated , asked for a breast pump instead of pitocin but they had a boundary and enforced it, they gave me 20 mins and the only choice was induction or possible c section. I was a little exhausted but mentally alert asking a lot of questions, refusing things several times, so we went ahead with pitocin too only after I got a good amount of bollus topped up.

The monitoring was so annoying. For the anesthesia to work I had to rely on gravity. For the monitoring which was the worst sensor in the hospital system , I had to stay away from gravity trading off pain relief for monitoring.

I was heading into the third night getting ready for my baby to be born on marijuana Day or hitlers birthday. I was in no mood for emotions. My mindset was stoic. Nothing right or wrong about anything. Nothing happy or sad about this. My only choice is whether I show up mentally strong or not and so I decided to show up to whatever it was going to be - and I said ok if my son gets associated to all these references for this day so be it, he will develop a character beyond that. 

I did not care whether it was c section or natural, I was ready to get through the course of this.

Thankfully it was now 10 cm dilation and I was allowed to try a natural delivery. I think I started at around 11 pm and this could take another 4 hours for all we know. 

I was given breathing instructions. 

All the yoga and the breathing control I had practiced for years brought me through everything up till that point and prepared me for whatever was ahead - pushing a whole baby out of a vaginal canal. 

I focused on breathing and pushing. Breathing and pushing. Instruction was to breathe in, push by holding breath and then breathe out but I course corrected and told them I just needed breathing in and breathing out because that was working with pushing and holding was just not natural for me to push with.

I had no interest in seeing baby in a mirror. I was hyper focused and only wanted to get the baby out first before distracting myself with anything else.

In half hour, baby was out. I could have spent another ten minutes ideally because the last part was important according my doula but the doc decided to pull baby out after the baby had come out half way. I ended up with four tears, one a second degree not sure if it was because of the pulling out. 

Ajey watched the baby come out

Through the contractions holding his hand was all the psychological support I needed. This gentle man who was going along with me having no clue what to do or how to decide for me but just sincerely trying within his limits whatever he could was the mental support that the technically stronger person in the room - me, needed. His hand in the process of me distracting my pain. It was important. All I need in the process of this life is an assurance there was one person in the world who would not let me do it alone. That hand was stronger even though so gentle and clueless. 

Baby Rian came out, and with the anesthesia I was happy to see what looked like another chance of seeing zaya as a baby. People were stitching up my vagina. They said the blood loss was more than they normally see. I was like whatever. Is this something that will heal or something that can get worse - it would heal in 6 weeks was all I needed to hear. 

Harriet was overjoyed

There are a lot of people I don't have in life the way I wished I could have but a lot of strangers show up in beautiful ways and they remind me of humanity. 

We moved to the postpartum room. 

They gave me care. 

I tried to breastfeed. 

They had a wonderful nursery where they took care of Zaya while we got out first sleep. 

Vbac was a success story. I tore the vagina instead of the tummy. I have better chance at a stronger core which is technically better for my health than my vagina. Recovery is supposed to be easier than cesarian which is what it feels like. 

I was able to pee, poop and bathe by myself. Mostly a success story and a preview into a world of strangers who's purpose was to be kind. 

I had risk of preeclampsia and had to heal without infection. 

How I returned home and how I healed is a whole new post.

Feb and Mar 2026

Career:

It's been an intense 2 months at work where I did incredible work managing things way beyond my scope.

My fear and concern is that I may not get the right kind of recognition for it.

And that the efforts of 2 people will be reflected across people who did not even do like 5% of the work.

I also don't like being limited on what I can do and not do. I want to embrace change, learn and expand on my capabilities, but feel like I'm seen as a threat and as someone that needs to be controlled or kept within limits.

The good thing is my confidence in my abilities has increased but the bad thing is the Kruger effect makes me aware of how much more I need to learn and also the other bad thing is the ROI - the fact that I could just be a work horse and credit is often given to those who do high visibility things.

Life : 

I've not had much of a choice in life but to roll along.

I do sometimes go on the sympathy trip - losing mom at 12, being treated/abused as the other person once I have been identified as someone who does not have protection, not being able to have someone see how much I've grown and how much I've endured and tell me I'm doing well,  not having someone think about my wedding, or my children or things like baby showers, trips, emotions, past traumas. 

I've learnt there is no real point in thinking or discussing these things - they just go to a point of meaninglessness. I try and stop myself when these thoughts arise but of course, they don't fully go away.

Stronger than I'd like to be:

At career as well as at life, I feel like I'm working hard, but at some point it just becomes something that is expected of me, not something that is appreciated , valued or celebrated.

I am in the edge of burnout. I do 100 things that go unnoticed and have to keep going to do the next 100 things in the list. 

The only partner I have is Ajey. I don't know if he appreciates just how much I'm giving myself but I guess I also relate to the fact that he too has been balancing home duties and work and sometimes it almost feels like he does not think it's a big deal that my every waking minute is filled with something to chase.

The bright side :

Knowing how bad things have been in the past, knowing how much worse others in the world have it, it's important to look at the blessings. There are places where I have advantages 

- a brother who pushed me to be independent and realize my potential so I never have to depend on others.
- education that helped me learn
- the risks that paid off
- a career
- a partner that is helpful , liberal and open-minded about possibilities and pivots
- people that have been kind even when I feel like I've forgotten what it is to be kind.

Maternity : 

I have ambitious plans for maternity but I have to understand that it's not easy. I'm trying to balance learning skills with maternity and also red tape and moving to a new country and health. It can be a lot.

Health has been good.

Finances :

doula/ hospital services / iron / nanny / shipping / flights / food / new cars - a lot of money has been drained.

Z: 

Z is cute, she worries when I have some pregnancy pains. She asks if she can help me.

She keeps saying 'Love you momma" every day in the most precious way.

She has been trained in cleaning. Somedays are great, but she still makes a lot of mess.

She is eating better and taking supplements now that we get food from shef and I can use the time to feed her.

If she sleeps in time, that would be a big achievement but things have been regressive in this dept.

She's funny, goofy, loves to sing and dance. 

She loves her time playing with dad and she lights up when she talks to a sisters aka her cousins from Texas.

She's doing good at school. Math has been good for her. She absorbs quickly.

She romanticizes me and Rat and talks about our marriage in the future that she has plans. I secretly feel great when she does this - I feel like no one but her has been excited for this and I would not mind another wedding - this time in a way that makes me feel special and not like an organizer - like there is one more person who is happy to celebrate me and my wedding outside me - and that is Zaya.

She also looks at movies and blushes when she sees girls like boys and gives a sheepish smile. she was watching jurassic park and assumed the guy who unbuttoned himself in the heat of the forest did so only because he is a 'boyfriend' interested in a girl. Woaw.

People:

people are nice. I saw Lilly singh's convocation video and she talked about community.

I am focused so much on work I don't have much time with people

And even with the people that I do spend time with, my question always gets to - so what is in this for them - what are they trying to get out of this - there usually seems to be something and so I try not to put myself in a place where someone can ask me or make me feel like I am indebted.

Rat, thankfully does not expect something and he just steps in whenever he is able to just by his natural way of being and he is one of a kind in my life - I lucked out on him.

Ironically it's also true that I feel like he could treat me sometimes like a woman that needs to be treated special, not just a strong woman who is capable of things.

I do feel I do more than most women do but it surprises me how no one notices how much I do and are nice enough to say that to me.

Cleaning / Organization

So much has been done here and there's always so much left to do.

What I want for the rest of this year is 

- some sense of stability in my career plans and growth

- a lot of education, books

- driving

- move to Canada 

- red tape

- help from nanny

- health , sleep, movement

- people who I can get along with who get along with me. friends

- fun things

- strength in thoughts , great distractions

What I want in the next few years

- career exploration / reaching potential and reward

- stability

- navigating sickness

- housing

- financial security

- people / community / rituals / contribution - balance

- a plan for Appa - a plan that will involve sacrifice, grit, learning, hopefully wonderful moments of love and moving with some form of fulfilment

- a plan for Appa and a plan for my kids

- cycling and parks and friends

- Rat and his parents finding their way.

Zaya keeps playing this song from tangles on her rapunzel doll that has an inbuilt speaker. The song is 'fog has lifted' I never really paid attention to the song but suddenly now I had the urge to go find the lyrics and even felt like the melody was wonderful and it feels like a song I should be singing when I figure out life beyond career and fears and stability - when I learn again what it is to sit on the grass at night and just enjoy skylines and be views and people and be more human.

Okay that was a sad post. 

But here's some good stuff

I got a nice bonus for DTO work

I've been sleeping and napping a lot and relaxing.

It's been a little weird to not be wondering what's next to do - but yea there are things to do and I am still able to pace it without worrying about all the things there is to do.

There is this huge sense of wanting to control, narrate and find validation through all the changes , like there is something to prove that all this is right but I think we may find meaning through all this. 

There is also this feeling like there is more to adapt to outside of our own decisions.. some differences I just don't seem to grow out of.. but things that are important in view of being a partner. How this will roll out in the future I have no clue.. 

So much more change is all I see to make all the change that we've already been through make sense 

Jan

 The year has started well professionally. The deadlines are a challenge but also possibly accelerating learning.

I am slowly trying to make lists and cleaning/organizing the home one place at a time so we can keep the home somehwhat manageable before the baby arrives and possibly helpful for the move later in the year.

As I am trying to keep the house clean and trying to get Zaya to make less mess and leave to school in time, I am seeing so many gaps in how Zaya does things through the days. Trying to talk discipline to her proves to be very stressful as she resists it or becomes naughty. It also requires me and Ajey to hold standards ourselves and be aware of what we want so we note what we miss and try to correct it.

The big questions for this year are

- the move

- nanny here

- nanny there

- food

- how to discipline Z

- Rat work

- Canada schedule

- Baby schedule and s

leep training

Zaya has been going skating with her dad every Sunday for the last three weeks. She's doing well. As I was cleaning she's also curious about makeup and necklaces and such. So she got a beautifully blue stoned pendant on a chain that she wore over her white sweater and her skating gear is all blue too - she looked super cool! It's on of my favorite pendants so I told her she can have it and remember every time she touches the necklace that she always put time into practicing something that makes her happy - like skating today. She was fully into what I was saying and called her chain a magical adventure chain for playing and skating and doing fun things. It was an awesome moment. 

She also says weird things like most kids do that are sometimes beautiful to hear - I know you mom and I always knew you and I want you to be fine. It would make no sense that a 4 year would say something randomly like this but also feel like she said something that makes my entire life make sense , lol.

Zaya things we do

 I often think I'm not doing enough for Zaya , but if I actually think about it in spite of just schedules we do our time and thought into exposing her to different activities.

Her day care was an early choice to help her grow in the right environment where she learnt 

- colors

- social interaction

- eating 

- stories and art

- alphabets

- block building 

- countries and languages 

- music 

- napping 

- rhymes 

At home we played 

- matching cards

- went for walks

- spent time with scooter

- learnt alphabets and words

- played with barbies 

- blocks and imagining cities

- singing and dancing 

- limited TV time.

- coloring 

She traveled and met folks

- Hawaii / India / north carolina / texas / Canada 

Activities :

- She used to see me do yoga and try that.

- tried gym for a bit

- tried swimming twice 

- skating with dad

- dance

- basketball 

- scooter 

Of course we've also trained her in daily habits 

- diaper free restroom use

- bathing 

- sleep

- expression

She can do better in some areas 

- not making mess / putting things away 

- eating food by herself

- morning schedule 

- listening and learning from others before wanting to prove she knows something.

Sometimes I do see posts of kids just 5 years old on social media one kid especially that was able to do multiple things well and wonder if I've not focused enough on Zaya.

That kid is

- chatty , confident , teaches her dad sometimes a lil authoritatively but I guess it's fine. 

- knows phonetics

- knows to recite stories

- is good at both English and two native languages 

- plays drums

- dances on the stage. 

- plays tennis and is really good at shots. 

- has cultural exposure

- dices vegetables really well. 

Oct 2023 mental health

This has been an important month.

There were a few weeks of slacking and laziness ahead of the planned India trip.

The trip was supposed to be fun with dad. There was a lot of good memories which should have all been great but it was all in the midst of a mental health break down that happened at the crux of multiple things coming together.

I was helping and intending to learn more about helping others with mental health and the irony was that right in the middle of all this, I had a mental health episode that felt like the floor beneath me was removed.

I am hoping like kintsugi this only help me build back stronger. 

1. There was information overload of the kind of information that is hard to deal with - not the kind of reality I want to be part of.

- a bad person with more evidence towards their personality.

- someone hard to care for because of the irony of their sympathy that suits them.

- the pressure of trying to care for someone I did not have the capacity to care for - and instead doing the right thing and talking the truth which has no capacity to care and only worsens another person's perspective.

- the irony of using this concept of 'karma' to suit ones whims. The belittling of one's challenges to make another challenge look bigger. 

- the possibly unnecessary consideration of sympathy and forgiveness in the wake of death, especially when not asked for. 

2. Information overload - family history

- useless information about the family history.

- useless information about how karma gets back to us even for things out forefathers did.

3. Lack of sleep because of jet lag, breastfeeding, Zaya and anxious thoughts 

4. Managing zaya without ajeys help or the day care.

5. Delusions of thinking I can interpret things and they mean something. Paranoid feeling. 

6. Mindfulness practice , a release of energy, a sinking feeling, palpitations, a feeling like I forgot all the happiness I had.

7. The overwhelm of new information about mindfulness, about paranoia and the fear of becoming a mad person. 

What are the learnings :

- establish and re-establish boundaries. You can't care for others when you are unable to care for yourself

- don't care for others. Don't try to forgive others. It's okay for others to suffer their truth as long as you don't consciously or unconsciously play an unwarranted role in their suffering. 

- we can't control everything. Things happen beyond the legal system. Things happen beyond the concept of what is right and wrong. And sometimes walking away to protect yourself for now is the best thing to do.

- don't travel with Zaya without help. Try to avoid anything stressful when traveling.

- prioritize sleep during jet lag. Sleep in the first leg and build sleep pressure 12 hours ahead of ideal sleep time. It takes several days for sleep debt to catch up. Take proactive naps. 

- mindfulness that works with energy is not always useful and can actually cause difficulty. It seems energy can screw with your mind. Long form storage - our body.

- it does not matter what karma says. Let's take care of our health and let's focus on what we can do.

- the brain has a tendency to explain things to itself using imagination - this is called dreaming and sometimes it does this whole thing awake when there is lack of sleep. 

- lack of sleep can also hinder our ability to judge others emotions.

- all of us are a little mad and can slip into unstable phases without the right support and sleep system when we stress the brain too much. We can hopefully use the neuroplasticity of the brain to bring us back to normalcy.

- the brain has two parts - one that assumes and the other that validates the assumption and as long as both work, it's good.

- talking especially with a psychologist is good. Their familiarity with a problem helps ward fear off. Sometimes they do introduce new fear by giving too much information - sometimes unnecessary.

- how we understand our past can always change with new information.

- truth is not always helpful. There's no need to lie but sometimes unkind truths are better left unsaid. 

- worrying about what others think is sometimes okay and better to control your feelings.

- sometimes the people who are willing to listen do not have the best advice to give. Sometimes the people who are difficult to strike a conversation with may be helpful. At the end you have to decide how to help yourself.

- things are not in our control. It's important to build resilience.

Happiness :

Dinner at Sangeetha with dad , many days

Appa giving me courage from his life

Rides with appa

His puja ritual

Zaya being mischevious with appa

Temple visits

Karpagam mess

Pri and Santhu and amazing food @ mithai mandir

Shailu home with her little ones

Walks, tea kadai.

The resilience of our maid Alamelu.

The great food from our cook - briyani, rasam, the great thogayals and chutneys, the chapathis and adais and podimas.

before India happiness

Rats been cooking for a few weeks now. Fried rice and tacos and all such warm things.

Went to the office, actually tried to focus. Usra came home. Felt like a normal human being. It was refreshing.

When Zaya talks to her grandma , I enjoy the motherliness of this experience

Caught Ajey asking me if I wanted more food and using Zaya's modulation. She's the cutest. She puts the sign language on - shakes her head with a rhetorical gesture - and uses her expressive eyes and says 'More?'. Her 'Oh Nooo!' is also one of her cute expressions.

Learning 

- sleep masterclass - the stats around daylight savings.

Sep 2023

It's the 20th of September - what happened?

- 2 weeks of down time - 1 week at least because of mental health.

- did some necessarily uncomfortable communication

- dug some extra information that proved useful to understand a problem, though was again tiring.

- did not exercise as much as I wanted to, that's okay - I still did my first full lap which is great.

- had some petty thinking issues - let people do what they do - you think about what is truly meaningful for you whether or not others find meaning in it and stick to it. build your discipline in being your best self. try to get out of habits that waste your time.

- find routines that help you do more useful things.

- I did not cook or clean or even do Z duties properly for 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll get back and focus on it, and I give myself grace for doing my best.

- about religion - I feel it can be distracting from real life, it can be a good way to celebrate life , it could even be helpful in giving some ideas with real life. no need to have hard and fast rules about things - just do what's meaningful and participate with a sense of curiosity when an opp arises. don't dig too much either.

- for the next week, I'm looking forward to this mindfulness course that I came across, maybe a little more lap swimming. volunteering opportunities. 

- I also want to build focus to cook, regain focus at work, do Z stuff, e visa, start packing etc.

- i also want to do a literature survey on kid safety books

Exercise : Swim + Gym + Cycle/jiu jitsu, Rat exercise / shuffle / inversions

Work : AWS + UA + eureka learning + looker + tickets

Z - bath + brush + potty + weaning / sleep

Cooking and cleaning

Accounts and improvements

India trip / evisa

Iob / Airtel 

Z - read + school research + activity research

masterclass last class

book tickets - bay + bay + India + CA + appa

CA planning - pr + list making + customs exempt shopping + pet policy

check out Stoner park pool + Z activities

roth rollover, 529

OCI

S rover credits

music / dance

Drive 

5 hours of volunteering

Study : Data Science + skillsboost - looker , AI

Study2 : investment / finance / economy

Sep 3 - zoo

Sep 17 - tar pits

Sep 29 - Dheeru birthday

masterclass subscription

subscriptions: netflix / masterclass subscriptions / barnes and nobles / f1 / prime / ymca

Z education

housing + nymble + composter

Rat and I saving transfers

konmari - photos

- profile to maintain: visualization / AWS data engineer / data analyst / manager  / ad fraud space

- profile to build: search / data science techniques / graph

Daily 

1 - chai. Basic work. Date @ Margot = great time for talking and conversation, food was ok. Period. Blue zones on Netflix. A small argument at night about parents. 

2. Impulsive India ticket. Walks. Grocery shopping.

Mayura sadhya. 

3. Cook, zoo / Biswarup. Portos. Burbank park.

4. Malibu park

5. Work UA/topN. Cook. Walk. Z. 

6. Ticket. 

7. UA/ top n, opera , asn. Z Bath

8. Fixes. 

9. Swim. Chitchat. yoga. annapoorna, shoes

10. laundry/dish - AJ, basic cleaning, cooking, sleeep, 10K walk @ Pier.

11. Bad sleep, basic work, sleep, skipped swimming, set up projector.

12. checking chennai things. talking trauma. distracted by social media handles and their well meaning scams.

13. Another day of trauma talk. Work. Wasted time on a friend who got me into an MLM call. Was generally feeling hopeless about a world where human decency is not everyone's value. It's been three continuous days of stress and trauma. It will pass. 

14. 

15. watched 2 movies - come as you are and captain fantastic. cooked

16. costco. annapurna. argument about canceled plans. thoughts about several topics in the world and studying psychology/journalism/philosophy. 0 sleep. new angle on an old problem.

17. tried to catch up on sleep.

18. off day - bad mental health day hopefully for a necessary cause.

19. 

20.

21. 

22. a better day. 3 volunteering events.  Bee hive for migratory bees. A tree planting projects. And dog walking and packing food.

23. swim

24. 

25. some work, some disturbance from other's problems.. trying to judge the problem or how much it should or should not affect them. D - wishing I can help him.

26. what mindfulness cannot solve, sometimes a conversation may help with.

27. 

Who cares? Lol

Happiness

Good chai. Rainy day. Z insisting momma and dad sit on a raised area in a sidewalk and just chill and so we did like 3 close friends just taking in the great air, chatting silly for a while and not thinking about what task to get to next. It was good :) 

It's weird when you feel depressed. You wonder why you are depressed and you come up with reasonable ideas - it's a good process because you know which areas of your life can be improved. But after a point even plans don't seem to relieve the sadness. So what am I happy about. After a few days of depression I got my period and I'm so happy that I am able to explain my depression away.

Improvement with Z brush and bathing which seemed impossible few weeks back.

We went to the zoo. Biswarup joined us. I made great briyani but was too spicy for him.  But AJ and I loved it. The zoo was good - it was a lot of walking = exercise. I loved seeing how beautifully the seal swam. Z got to see flamingoes, elephant, tapir, monkeys, tiger, peacock, otters, frog, polka dot sting ray, fish, tortoise - the animals were obviously bored in captivation. We were glad we could see them. 

Then we went to this beautiful park in Burbank. It was amazing so we just saw it and started back. A feeling left to be tasted another day.

Portos - amaaazing food. Potato balls were great. croissant was okay. Tres leches - we've had way better tres leches. the benitos were amazing - the hazelnut ones were awesome, but the dulche de leches was awesomer. Rat had a yuzu lemonade which was great. the guava strudel was okay, but the guava rose cake was the best dessert I've had in a long long time.

Z says 'S(h)it Down' .... it's cute :)

Chitchat after a long time. Awesome spicy sauces and burrito. Warm sun after a swim. 

I watched this show called blue zones on Netflix. It was a little bit of a life changing series. I can't talk bad about the country I am at.. I've learnt and loved so much here but the series did show me there's more meaningful things to desire. Singapore was beautiful. Remote lands of barbagia was beautiful. The concept of living close to our parents was beautiful. The ability of older people. The happiness of connection. The purpose , ikigai. The simplicity of life's daily activities and their importance. The preparation of food. The variety and type of food. The attitude of survival.

After 3 days of stress I'm thankful for sleep. It's been 3 days of not being able to focus on work, exercise, gurl, home and mental health. But I'm really glad that despite everything I can block it all off and go to sleep. Of course girl has been taking milk and been clingy it's just that mentally I've been disconnected. 

I am a pseudo believer of horoscope. Pseudo believer of a higher power. When horoscope tells you exactly what you've been feeling after you feel it, somehow you feel a relief. I felt some hard emotions and information about evil after a very long time and was not able to focus on the good. Horoscope said you will have bad energies come towards you - try to manage it and turn it into good.

Pondicherry mother said hostile forces will attack wherever and whenever they can - do not react and do not admit them. These are both timely signs and I love it when I hear something random say exactly what I feel about. 

I also learnt something about my mother. I always felt she had some sadness that I never knew about. I still don't know her full story. But I know part of her puzzle. About her mother. About her childhood and trauma and the normalization of toxic things. I felt sad for her. Most of my life I felt that if she had been around I would have been more protected, but now suddenly I felt that if she was around, I could have given a ear to her troubles - I wondered if she has ever spoken about her struggles to anyone.

I wanted a sign that she was here to know that I am there for her and she is close to me. Who knows what's true. I asked for butterfly, humming bird or bees. I went to the verandah, no one appeared - then left to take scooter for a walk, forgot about it. Right after I entered my gate a butterfly flew straight towards me and I said hey thanks and it flew away. That was yesterday. This morning, I went to the verandah to check on my beautiful seedlings and out of nowhere for the first time I saw a butterfly in my verandah. Who cares what I'm supposed to believe and what is rational. I want more of these signs. I'd like a hen named Ali that Amma had as a kid. I'd like anything that can take me closer to her presence. I want to know her soul is at peace.

Pigeon. Bird. pigeon. all in new places - there's this theory that when you start looking for something you just see it a lot more because of heightened awareness. 

Ar Rahman. Cool breezy walks. Kollaiyila thinnai veithu. 

Z taking a crayon and pretending she is applying make-up on me. Z loves earrings and necklaces and all those girly things - or maybe it's all babies - but I love it - I don't think I took much interest in these things but somehow I'm excited for Z.

Z saying 'I love you' out of the blue and lighting up my day when I most needed it.

Walks, husband, personal mental strength, little happiness - some rocks to hold on to when mental health takes a dip.

My first full lap. With the help of this super cheerful girl who's name even I don't know.

Dosa kal. For a while AJ and I were wondering why she keeps saying this until we realized it was 'draw a circle'. 

We were crossing the road and Scooter was pulling me out of the lane. The car that has to cross patiently waited and I was looking at the driver who was giggling at Scooter, she saw me pulled the window down and laughed so loud. I love women that can laugh at silly things. 

Zaya's little hands holding on to me at night - being mom.

Moth has been outside the door for two days now. 

I saw some old photos. I saw mom smiling. It was comforting to see that. It was good to know that what I once wondered is now answered. It looked like she was bitter sometimes but really it was the best she ever had. But her body gave up - she had unhealed wounds. She is probably at a better place now. 

Dogs.

first time encouraging someone else to meditate. getting guidance on how to guide someone.

So many things Zaya does, I don't know how she learns. Her dad made food for her and she said 'Thank yee .... Dada" it was a moment :)

Dada got Z a Scooter. It brought out the child in me for sure. It's been fun trying to play with it in the apartment. 

Two songs for Amma on my mind. Chinna that aval. And 'if tomorrow never comes'. Lots of signs that I'd like to believe are from mom. Wishful thinking or magic, who cares? I love you, mama. 

Food

Anu : veg briyani, egg masala, cauliflower rice, 

AJ : sandwiches

Outside : Margot , mayura, Portos

Lots of food was made and shat that was not listed here. 

Thoughts.

Psychology:

Sibling relationships - why one child with extra needs makes another kid feel alienated. Why some kids are made to grow up fast. Gender based treatment in children

How differently boys and girls respond to trauma. 

attachment wounds

boundaries - pursuer / distancer

rejection sensitive dysphoria

Karma as a concept can be interpreted in conflicting ways. When we offload the responsibility we have in correcting something to karma, we give away our responsibility - and that to me is worrisome. The other thing is karma can be interpreted as revenge. And revenge can be harmful in two ways. It traps a person in bad feelings for far longer than they have to be trapped. Revenge is not removing harm, it's repeating harm. What is better than karma is doing whatever needs to be done that is in our hands and within our abilities to stop further harm towards ourselves and towards others and then walking forward with the peace that you tried your best. 

Simple things can upset us and reveal important insights into our life. When we are upset it's easy to give in and react. What I'm thankful for is the maturity to give space to the situation and analyse what inside me is causing me to be upset and we can find honesty, which can't be bad, right? 

And I find lots of areas of growth:

- why do you think of what others do as vanity? Why do you want to think that what you do is somehow better to what someone else does? Why do you think that they are lead by an illusionary success and somehow your version of success is more meaningful?

- why do you get irked by compliments one gives to another, why does it make you feel small, invisible? Why do you care about being visible? 

- why do you hold yourself so rigidly away from things that don't seem to be your priority but you constantly tell yourself that if it was your priority you'd be great. Are you missing doing things? 

- are you content in your bubble, are you scared to face the world of judgement when you step outside this bubble?

- is your self worth fragile that it can be swayed by jealousy.

- do you constantly need to tell someone what you did to feel seen. And is feeling seen your best way to feel good about yourself? 

- you feel engaged when you are by yourself doing things you set forth for yourself. Why does this engagement have to be translated into words for others? 

How do I go back to my place of peace when I'm upset? 

- listen, step away, don't react, don't respond, just take the privilege of understanding where your thoughts come from - just like you did now.

- let everyone be happy. Let everyone shine their best self. There's nothing for you to judge about why someone is something or someone has something. It's about time you realize you have finite time left and it's best spent finding your own gifts, moments, building what you have the abilities to and finding happiness - happiness that's enough even if only you know about it. Find that spark , make it shine... 

Watched 2 movies - come as you are - a movie about disabled kids and how they feel like they are missing out on experiences - about their sense of independence and discovery that many do not think about.

the other is a movie called Captain Fantastic who brings up his child in a hippie way without knowledge of the real world - they know to hunt, they read books and are hyper aware of the world's philosophies, they are allowed to discuss freely about anything - there isn't any age appropriation. They can sing. they have high IQs but they also have rigid rules and 0 exposure to the normal un-opinionated world.  In many ways, they have a wonderful life, but also shielded. The father realizes his mistake in bringing them in a certain way and has a hard time letting them integrate into normal society. 

Watching blue zones on Netflix was very very insightful. It made me think a lot about how we take decisions in our lives and about American life. 

It made me realize the responsibility we have towards our parents. About the simple movement based life. It made me realize how America is missing a lot and yet has sold and convinced to so many that this is a good life. After 12 years of being here you realize there is a big drug problem, a homelessness problem, divided families, racism, broken immigration system, innovation in tech which is basically phones, laptops, content in the name of connect. Gun violence. Politics that is not based on policy, but based on power plays. An unfair immigration system. It can also be a lonely place.

Is any other country better, we don't know but we do know having community is important, having a good environment is good, having value based politics is good, having more trust and less fear, having more certainty is important. 

Obviously there are things that brought us to this country and there are things that made us hope - and there are lots of things about this country that we still don't know fully about. So there are good things - there is good leadership in corporate America that is able to treat employees fairly and get productivity out of them. There is less politics and more room and freedom to dream , plan and do things instead of sitting with office politics. It feels less competitive and more meaningful. Team realtionships are actually good for my mental health. Corporate tech companies have a nice healthy progress. Monetarily it makes sense. So this bubble I'm in feels profitable to me even though expenses feel high.