Week 2

 Week 1 - Rat took the brunt of things and I focused on healing but also trying to keep things clean. It was decent first week for me but things can get better at home and focus needs to move to other things we need to be on.

For week 2, goal is
- I heal sustainably

- Rat helps sustainably with the two naps he needs.

- we find solution to get some relief for him. Nap/ study / me time.

- red tape 

- AI

- Automate food, automate lists. 

- Rat / masseuse / massager

- until nanny, I can do 3 hours morning, 3 hours night when he takes naps. And focus a little bit more on my health.

- after nanny (9-3) , I should probably do the hours after nanny (3-11) 8 hours and Rat should do (11-7)

8 hours.

- but that would mean 7-9 would be for Ajey to get ready and get Zaya out and the baby should be like half managed by me. This is not great cuz Ajey would do whole night and then Zaya in a stretch.

- his time to nap would be ideally from 10 - 12 am, and 8-11 pm. His time to study / me time would be from 12 to 8. 

- once he starts work, this gets tricky, 

Week 1 at home

 Day 1: 
I came into a super clean room. It had drizzled outside. A new baby in my hand in a nice clean room and birds chirping. Uncomfortably perfect scenario - everything was calm, weather was gloomy and I was settling into what next months could look like - I was envisioning myself just sitting on bed holding baby next few months and with all the calm of that situation I was somewhat sad. The calm only stayed for a while. 
Day 1 I tried moving around and cleaning things. Apartment was both messy and unclean and I was overconfident. 
Day 2
It's 3.18 am - day 2 at home and this is already an indicator of how terribly I'm treating time management and priorities - writing my second post to get thoughts out when I should be sleeping.
But also to contrast that with how I always give myself less credit than I deserve , even with the bad priorities , there is a baby lying on top of me right now getting comfort and sleeping better because he is physiologically connected to me even as I am just getting started on a journey of getting to know him.
Gonna sleep now but will update tomorrow. 
It's now 5.41 and I have still not slept.
Welcome to my life as a second time mom. 
It's almost 6am and I'm going to get started on sleep hopefully. There's a lot to talk about day 1. 
Day 3 and 4. 
I am resting through the night. Ajey has taken over.
I moved to formula and baby looks better and calmer. I am feeding rarely to prevent mastitis and formula has been a game changer.
I have no bladder control and peed once or twice in the floor for rat to clean up at night. Now I am regaining control. I am getting better and going frequently to restroom. 
He is :
Feeding
Diaper changing
Making formula
Sanitizing bottles
Cleaned the rest room
Put things away
Did laundry
Brought Amazon shipped items. 
Helping my dressing
Picking up Zaya
Doing night shift. 
I am :
Healing, monitoring bp, taking meds. 
Sleeping better 
Trying to get him a nap in the morning. 
Ordering a few things on Amazon that can save some energy
My physical issues. 
- lifting leg to wear underwear.
- lifting leg to the bed
- trying to avoid stitches from tearing. 
- sitting on sofa / bed
- lifting baby while seated. 
- clots / stool 
- swollen fundus / mastitis
Rats physical issues
- lack of sleep 
- knee issues. 
Other issues -
Zaya is delaying going to school / sleep etc because of extra tantrums and Dad is accommodating limited energy to that 
Dad missed naps 
I can see things not in place and yet not do anything about it. More dependent than I m used to. 
Nanny canceled. Looking for new one. 
Broke bassinet. Returning items. 
Next steps for me: 
- continue to eat / meds / rest / heal / talk to doc 
- continue dressing / baths 
- improve hydration 
- start on red tape / finding nanny.
- prioritize Ajey sleep
- try to diaper change once / try giving formula 
- find a comfortable position to feed baby.
- find ways to help Rat sleep 
- find ways to manage Zaya so she can leave to school in time
- be less OCD
- figure out robot vacuums
- automate nutrition
Next steps for Rat :
- return items / buy things 
- sleep / nap 
- find ways to simplify the hectic schedule
Physical changes 
- one night I had a pulsing feeling in the back. Almost like a pain but a sudden relief after that not sure if because of pain meds I was able to move leg around and stretch for the first time in ways I've not done in several months. It felt like a release.
- the stool clearing has been fascinating , how much the body holds. 
Ergonomy 
- need a small height step stool with wheel and handle to walk around. 
- need taller toilets with faucets
- need showers with taps at human standing level
- need washer / dryer in same level
- need elevator
- restroom with door for shower - not bath. 
- sofa with automation for both leg down and leg up 
Day 5.
Rat had hectic day 4.
Tomorrow I want to wake up , change dressing , brush , eat BF and meds and BP in time so I can help with Zaya a bit
I want him to drop z in time and come back and sleep for 2 hours before lunch. In this time I have to feed formula / soothe baby and try diaper once. 
Once he has his nap, we figure out lunch.
I have to continue dressing changes regularly.
Then he can step out for outside chores and again I figure out diaper/formula etc hopefully.
Give him some time to relax. Maybe do some red tape. Maybe some hackathon videos while baby is feeding etc. 
Try to give him one more afternoon nap.
Day 5 went mostly as planned. We had a first half that went as planned, that we actually sat down to watch a movie and that did not turn out to be good for Rat. He was still doing chores through the movie and after the movie and ended up getting to bed, tired. The second nap did not happen.
Happy side, I found the waffle pillow and it helps so much. I pumped. I tried to change diaper and feed formula. With dressing, sometimes I'm able to do it myself but sometimes I am needing help. The legs feel freer certain times but not so certain times.
I was 140 before pregnancy, 180 before birth and I am 165, one week after birth. I still have a lot of water wait and the uterus is still shrinking so it looks like I have to get to week 4-6 to get a better idea of postpartum baseline.
The highlight of yesterday was when I was telling Ajey I'm trying to improve but still needing help with dressing and he said that's what paternity leave is for - so just ask. It was very generous for him to say that. He has always been a giver and of course he does adjust and try to protect himself but just always starts with being ready to give himself even when he's already doing much. 
A rock solid man. 
Day 6.
Started with a bath by myself, changed diaper, fed etc but baby's been a constant pooper so I guess I'm not helpful enough, relatively.
There's a lot of sanitizing bottles and parts that Ajey is doing now.
I was able to move more and put things away at home.
We are trying to decide the finances of nanny and cleaners now that our nanny seems not the best match for us.
For rest of today what I want is
- Rat sleep

- laundry

- assemble bassinet

- decision on cleaner / nanny

- ssn / birth / passport 

- maternity office stuff

- some AI / some ML

- pump

- feed / change diaper

- get Rat to bed early

- dress 

- discuss Zaya plan

We have a lot of other things to do and it may help to have some of the routine stuff taken care of.

What actually got done.

- Arvind helped with bassinet 

- Z and Baby got fed. I do some feeds , some diaper changes. Pumped once. 

- baby had blood so Rat went to emergency and his sleep got sacrificed. Baby is fine. 

- they did some Costco shopping.

- I did all of my dressings today and had some movements. 

- tried to get Rat to sleep for a few hours. 

- Rat sanitized , I am getting the hang of putting the pump parts together.

- we got a few quotes for nanny 

- cleaned the home a bit. 

I am tired, my legs are sore. I did over exert myself today - don't know why I do this as soon as I feel better. 

Lots left for tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow is more restful and there is progress with red tape. 

Day 7 - end of week 1:

I still have not done any red tape, no nanny/cleaner decision, no masseuse, no AI/ML. 

What I did do though was

- doing my dressing/ cleaning myself

- pumped

- tried bf 

- had Nooshin over for dinner and had a good dinner 

- gave Rat a few hours nap in the morning.

- rested well at night and got a nice nap.

- started feeling better at the restroom with lifting my leg and getting into th bath tub etc - maybe it's just the Tylenol.

Arvind helped clean up for dinner.

What Rat did was

- had a hard night bending and feeding and changing diaper

- one nap

- lunch with brother

- R's doc appt

- laundry 

- Nooshin dinner pickup

- sanitized bottles and pump

- played some games 

He did not get his night nap that he needs to function and has back pain. But he is more worried about not having me time / game time.

I wish he could prioritize his second nap.

April - birthing

I gave birth but just so I don't discount the small things from this month, I also did something creative for a AI hackathon and it got some attention at my workplace.

I had lots of thoughts for this month and planning done for next few months - a separate post about it will follow - but crux of it is chatgpt did an excellent job giving me grace and dialing down the overachieving burnout version of my plans and it was more human and I was more robot and I was thankful it was more human. 

Okay let's get to birth.

My doula is a UK certified doc and a doula in the US and even for her my birth process was a bit of an  experience which she handled with such patience and kindness.  Initially I did not know what the help of a doula could look like. 

There were a few reasons I wanted her.

- I've learnt to take more chances to support myself. I always put my needs last in the past and had realized the impact it had in my life so I wanted her just so I get to experience how getting guidance from another person could be like.

- I had the benefit at work supporting partial coverage for a doula. 

- I already had a c section so maybe trying a vbac helps reduce impact on core muscles.

- I guess also the curiosity to see if I can make it.

The doula and just every hospital staff reminded me that no one there was just doing a job. They were at a high risk environment that can be stressful exhausting, doing 12 hour shifts, having a calm pleasant face and genuinely bringing their full self to work so they can help every new patient like it was their first one. They had love, care and warmth for a client but you know I wasn't just a client, I was someone they choose to be there for earnestly. 

I showed both the biggest strength, mentally and physically I have ever shown but also wondered why the hell did I do not opt for a c section with epidural many times since 53 hour early plus actual labor is no easy ordeal. 

Every decision was driven by future pain and future fear while managing current pain. 

Friday 6.30 early labor started. We started tracking. 8 minutes once seemed close enough and consistent enough, but 5 minutes was the golden number and consistency was more than 6-8 minute variability that I saw. Still I called the doula. She wanted us to wait but going through the night breathing through it not knowing what was gonna happen next, not knowing what I would do if I took a late call, I kept updating her at wee hours. Rathan was helpful but asleep and I felt extra helpless and fearful when there wasn't someone aware of what I was going through. Some times I was like I should let him sleep so I can call him later and also wondering if doula should be called later but eventually ended up waking him and calling her. 

She helped me through the night with some exercises, then we decided we will just try to rest till morning. She went back home and I tried to rest. We took a call to go to hospital because we weren't sure baby was moving - so once we confirmed that we checked dilation I was at 3 cm which was good news. We took the choice of going home and dilating more and coming back. 

Harriet's backup doula was helping me at home and also very kind and helpful. She said I was doing very good exercises and breathing.

Then we did some breathing. There was the mucus plug and bloody show stuff. We were 5 minutes apart and went to hospital. We were still at 3 or 4 I think but they decided I can stay at hospital now and continue. Harriet encouraged me to do some exercises and I was telling her I was drowsy and would like to rest first. She said she will go home and rest as well. 

Nitrous oxide was used well until it did not help.

I took some morphine - I was scared if I would become psychotic and kept delaying the decision but eventually took it. It did not give me pain relief but between contractions it let me sleep for 5 minutes at a time. 

Now I was on my second night of contractions and again when there was no one watching and the contractions started and I got off the bed , walked , tried to sit erect on the bed while my leg was not cooperating, and there was no one to watch if I was okay or not, the fear started coming up. There's something about being in pain and not having someone that makes it scary. 

Rathan was there all the whole, coordinating between Zaya and Arvind who came exactly one day later than would have been ideal but still perfectly in time for the next few days so more blessed than sad. He lost sleep with me and helped massage me.

The doulas were natural and had amazing massaging techniques to counter pain. Ajey was always sincerely attempting but too gentle for a massage and kept repeating things like lower the shoulder , breathe through it because that's what he learnt looking at the doula. 

It was still a lot of help and showing up from Ajey through sleeplessness. The doulas were so impressed with the kind of help he was doing and feeding me food like I was a child. 

In the night I was constantly wondering if I should let the poor man sleep or call out for help.

At one point it got painful enough and the doulas were also surprised earlier when the hospital refused epidural as this was a first for the doulas. 

The hospital refused epidural because I could get to a certain dilation and then just stay there for a few days on epidurL which is something they wanted to avoid. 

In my mind I decided I needed a epidural and said I was okay with getting a c section if that's the only way the hospital would get me a epidural. It felt helpless that the hospital did not let me be the decider about epidural. 

With the second doula, I think I progressed with breathing and got to 6 cm and they moved me to labor and delivery which had more space. 

Then they gave me epidural. I still felt the pain. Then I got bollus top up. And it was painful and painfully long. We were getting to more dilation. They wanted to break water, thankfully I broke already so that was another good sign but they still wanted to break it. Things progressed.

So morphine , epidural, bollus was used. I refused more morphine. 

The one thing I wanted to avoid was induction because of the fear of tearing and faster contractions.

I was almost at 9-10 at cervical check, as per doc. She mentioned there does not seem to be a problem with cervix. 

And then some politics started. The nurse overrode the new resident doc saying she has to recheck the cervix. And said it's 9 and not 10 - there's some cervix there and they cant risk going forwRd until I took pitocin for induction. 

An uncomfortable number of cervix checks was being done so I was getting better at saying no.

For induction, I refused , negotiated , asked for a breast pump instead of pitocin but they had a boundary and enforced it, they gave me 20 mins and the only choice was induction or possible c section. I was a little exhausted but mentally alert asking a lot of questions, refusing things several times, so we went ahead with pitocin too only after I got a good amount of bollus topped up.

The monitoring was so annoying. For the anesthesia to work I had to rely on gravity. For the monitoring which was the worst sensor in the hospital system , I had to stay away from gravity trading off pain relief for monitoring.

I was heading into the third night getting ready for my baby to be born on marijuana Day or hitlers birthday. I was in no mood for emotions. My mindset was stoic. Nothing right or wrong about anything. Nothing happy or sad about this. My only choice is whether I show up mentally strong or not and so I decided to show up to whatever it was going to be - and I said ok if my son gets associated to all these references for this day so be it, he will develop a character beyond that. 

I did not care whether it was c section or natural, I was ready to get through the course of this.

Thankfully it was now 10 cm dilation and I was allowed to try a natural delivery. I think I started at around 11 pm and this could take another 4 hours for all we know. 

I was given breathing instructions. 

All the yoga and the breathing control I had practiced for years brought me through everything up till that point and prepared me for whatever was ahead - pushing a whole baby out of a vaginal canal. 

I focused on breathing and pushing. Breathing and pushing. Instruction was to breathe in, push by holding breath and then breathe out but I course corrected and told them I just needed breathing in and breathing out because that was working with pushing and holding was just not natural for me to push with.

I had no interest in seeing baby in a mirror. I was hyper focused and only wanted to get the baby out first before distracting myself with anything else.

In half hour, baby was out. I could have spent another ten minutes ideally because the last part was important according my doula but the doc decided to pull baby out after the baby had come out half way. I ended up with four tears, one a second degree not sure if it was because of the pulling out. 

Ajey watched the baby come out

Through the contractions holding his hand was all the psychological support I needed. This gentle man who was going along with me having no clue what to do or how to decide for me but just sincerely trying within his limits whatever he could was the mental support that the technically stronger person in the room - me, needed. His hand in the process of me distracting my pain. It was important. All I need in the process of this life is an assurance there was one person in the world who would not let me do it alone. That hand was stronger even though so gentle and clueless. 

Baby Rian came out, and with the anesthesia I was happy to see what looked like another chance of seeing zaya as a baby. People were stitching up my vagina. They said the blood loss was more than they normally see. I was like whatever. Is this something that will heal or something that can get worse - it would heal in 6 weeks was all I needed to hear. 

Harriet was overjoyed

There are a lot of people I don't have in life the way I wished I could have but a lot of strangers show up in beautiful ways and they remind me of humanity. 

We moved to the postpartum room. 

They gave me care. 

I tried to breastfeed. 

They had a wonderful nursery where they took care of Zaya while we got out first sleep. 

Vbac was a success story. I tore the vagina instead of the tummy. I have better chance at a stronger core which is technically better for my health than my vagina. Recovery is supposed to be easier than cesarian which is what it feels like. 

I was able to pee, poop and bathe by myself. Mostly a success story and a preview into a world of strangers who's purpose was to be kind. 

I had risk of preeclampsia and had to heal without infection. 

How I returned home and how I healed is a whole new post.

My fav memory from labor is the 1000 calorie robek smoothie I was not allowed to have but gave me the energy to continue and the amazing thickness of it was a treat. 

Jan

 The year has started well professionally. The deadlines are a challenge but also possibly accelerating learning.

I am slowly trying to make lists and cleaning/organizing the home one place at a time so we can keep the home somehwhat manageable before the baby arrives and possibly helpful for the move later in the year.

As I am trying to keep the house clean and trying to get Zaya to make less mess and leave to school in time, I am seeing so many gaps in how Zaya does things through the days. Trying to talk discipline to her proves to be very stressful as she resists it or becomes naughty. It also requires me and Ajey to hold standards ourselves and be aware of what we want so we note what we miss and try to correct it.

The big questions for this year are

- the move

- nanny here

- nanny there

- food

- how to discipline Z

- Rat work

- Canada schedule

- Baby schedule and s

leep training

Zaya has been going skating with her dad every Sunday for the last three weeks. She's doing well. As I was cleaning she's also curious about makeup and necklaces and such. So she got a beautifully blue stoned pendant on a chain that she wore over her white sweater and her skating gear is all blue too - she looked super cool! It's on of my favorite pendants so I told her she can have it and remember every time she touches the necklace that she always put time into practicing something that makes her happy - like skating today. She was fully into what I was saying and called her chain a magical adventure chain for playing and skating and doing fun things. It was an awesome moment. 

She also says weird things like most kids do that are sometimes beautiful to hear - I know you mom and I always knew you and I want you to be fine. It would make no sense that a 4 year would say something randomly like this but also feel like she said something that makes my entire life make sense , lol.

Zaya things we do

 I often think I'm not doing enough for Zaya , but if I actually think about it in spite of just schedules we do our time and thought into exposing her to different activities.

Her day care was an early choice to help her grow in the right environment where she learnt 

- colors

- social interaction

- eating 

- stories and art

- alphabets

- block building 

- countries and languages 

- music 

- napping 

- rhymes 

At home we played 

- matching cards

- went for walks

- spent time with scooter

- learnt alphabets and words

- played with barbies 

- blocks and imagining cities

- singing and dancing 

- limited TV time.

- coloring 

She traveled and met folks

- Hawaii / India / north carolina / texas / Canada 

Activities :

- She used to see me do yoga and try that.

- tried gym for a bit

- tried swimming twice 

- skating with dad

- dance

- basketball 

- scooter 

Of course we've also trained her in daily habits 

- diaper free restroom use

- bathing 

- sleep

- expression

She can do better in some areas 

- not making mess / putting things away 

- eating food by herself

- morning schedule 

- listening and learning from others before wanting to prove she knows something.

Sometimes I do see posts of kids just 5 years old on social media one kid especially that was able to do multiple things well and wonder if I've not focused enough on Zaya.

That kid is

- chatty , confident , teaches her dad sometimes a lil authoritatively but I guess it's fine. 

- knows phonetics

- knows to recite stories

- is good at both English and two native languages 

- plays drums

- dances on the stage. 

- plays tennis and is really good at shots. 

- has cultural exposure

- dices vegetables really well. 

Oct 2023 mental health

This has been an important month.

There were a few weeks of slacking and laziness ahead of the planned India trip.

The trip was supposed to be fun with dad. There was a lot of good memories which should have all been great but it was all in the midst of a mental health break down that happened at the crux of multiple things coming together.

I was helping and intending to learn more about helping others with mental health and the irony was that right in the middle of all this, I had a mental health episode that felt like the floor beneath me was removed.

I am hoping like kintsugi this only help me build back stronger. 

1. There was information overload of the kind of information that is hard to deal with - not the kind of reality I want to be part of.

- a bad person with more evidence towards their personality.

- someone hard to care for because of the irony of their sympathy that suits them.

- the pressure of trying to care for someone I did not have the capacity to care for - and instead doing the right thing and talking the truth which has no capacity to care and only worsens another person's perspective.

- the irony of using this concept of 'karma' to suit ones whims. The belittling of one's challenges to make another challenge look bigger. 

- the possibly unnecessary consideration of sympathy and forgiveness in the wake of death, especially when not asked for. 

2. Information overload - family history

- useless information about the family history.

- useless information about how karma gets back to us even for things out forefathers did.

3. Lack of sleep because of jet lag, breastfeeding, Zaya and anxious thoughts 

4. Managing zaya without ajeys help or the day care.

5. Delusions of thinking I can interpret things and they mean something. Paranoid feeling. 

6. Mindfulness practice , a release of energy, a sinking feeling, palpitations, a feeling like I forgot all the happiness I had.

7. The overwhelm of new information about mindfulness, about paranoia and the fear of becoming a mad person. 

What are the learnings :

- establish and re-establish boundaries. You can't care for others when you are unable to care for yourself

- don't care for others. Don't try to forgive others. It's okay for others to suffer their truth as long as you don't consciously or unconsciously play an unwarranted role in their suffering. 

- we can't control everything. Things happen beyond the legal system. Things happen beyond the concept of what is right and wrong. And sometimes walking away to protect yourself for now is the best thing to do.

- don't travel with Zaya without help. Try to avoid anything stressful when traveling.

- prioritize sleep during jet lag. Sleep in the first leg and build sleep pressure 12 hours ahead of ideal sleep time. It takes several days for sleep debt to catch up. Take proactive naps. 

- mindfulness that works with energy is not always useful and can actually cause difficulty. It seems energy can screw with your mind. Long form storage - our body.

- it does not matter what karma says. Let's take care of our health and let's focus on what we can do.

- the brain has a tendency to explain things to itself using imagination - this is called dreaming and sometimes it does this whole thing awake when there is lack of sleep. 

- lack of sleep can also hinder our ability to judge others emotions.

- all of us are a little mad and can slip into unstable phases without the right support and sleep system when we stress the brain too much. We can hopefully use the neuroplasticity of the brain to bring us back to normalcy.

- the brain has two parts - one that assumes and the other that validates the assumption and as long as both work, it's good.

- talking especially with a psychologist is good. Their familiarity with a problem helps ward fear off. Sometimes they do introduce new fear by giving too much information - sometimes unnecessary.

- how we understand our past can always change with new information.

- truth is not always helpful. There's no need to lie but sometimes unkind truths are better left unsaid. 

- worrying about what others think is sometimes okay and better to control your feelings.

- sometimes the people who are willing to listen do not have the best advice to give. Sometimes the people who are difficult to strike a conversation with may be helpful. At the end you have to decide how to help yourself.

- things are not in our control. It's important to build resilience.

Happiness :

Dinner at Sangeetha with dad , many days

Appa giving me courage from his life

Rides with appa

His puja ritual

Zaya being mischevious with appa

Temple visits

Karpagam mess

Pri and Santhu and amazing food @ mithai mandir

Shailu home with her little ones

Walks, tea kadai.

The resilience of our maid Alamelu.

The great food from our cook - briyani, rasam, the great thogayals and chutneys, the chapathis and adais and podimas.

before India happiness

Rats been cooking for a few weeks now. Fried rice and tacos and all such warm things.

Went to the office, actually tried to focus. Usra came home. Felt like a normal human being. It was refreshing.

When Zaya talks to her grandma , I enjoy the motherliness of this experience

Caught Ajey asking me if I wanted more food and using Zaya's modulation. She's the cutest. She puts the sign language on - shakes her head with a rhetorical gesture - and uses her expressive eyes and says 'More?'. Her 'Oh Nooo!' is also one of her cute expressions.

Learning 

- sleep masterclass - the stats around daylight savings.

Sep 2023

It's the 20th of September - what happened?

- 2 weeks of down time - 1 week at least because of mental health.

- did some necessarily uncomfortable communication

- dug some extra information that proved useful to understand a problem, though was again tiring.

- did not exercise as much as I wanted to, that's okay - I still did my first full lap which is great.

- had some petty thinking issues - let people do what they do - you think about what is truly meaningful for you whether or not others find meaning in it and stick to it. build your discipline in being your best self. try to get out of habits that waste your time.

- find routines that help you do more useful things.

- I did not cook or clean or even do Z duties properly for 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll get back and focus on it, and I give myself grace for doing my best.

- about religion - I feel it can be distracting from real life, it can be a good way to celebrate life , it could even be helpful in giving some ideas with real life. no need to have hard and fast rules about things - just do what's meaningful and participate with a sense of curiosity when an opp arises. don't dig too much either.

- for the next week, I'm looking forward to this mindfulness course that I came across, maybe a little more lap swimming. volunteering opportunities. 

- I also want to build focus to cook, regain focus at work, do Z stuff, e visa, start packing etc.

- i also want to do a literature survey on kid safety books

Exercise : Swim + Gym + Cycle/jiu jitsu, Rat exercise / shuffle / inversions

Work : AWS + UA + eureka learning + looker + tickets

Z - bath + brush + potty + weaning / sleep

Cooking and cleaning

Accounts and improvements

India trip / evisa

Iob / Airtel 

Z - read + school research + activity research

masterclass last class

book tickets - bay + bay + India + CA + appa

CA planning - pr + list making + customs exempt shopping + pet policy

check out Stoner park pool + Z activities

roth rollover, 529

OCI

S rover credits

music / dance

Drive 

5 hours of volunteering

Study : Data Science + skillsboost - looker , AI

Study2 : investment / finance / economy

Sep 3 - zoo

Sep 17 - tar pits

Sep 29 - Dheeru birthday

masterclass subscription

subscriptions: netflix / masterclass subscriptions / barnes and nobles / f1 / prime / ymca

Z education

housing + nymble + composter

Rat and I saving transfers

konmari - photos

- profile to maintain: visualization / AWS data engineer / data analyst / manager  / ad fraud space

- profile to build: search / data science techniques / graph

Daily 

1 - chai. Basic work. Date @ Margot = great time for talking and conversation, food was ok. Period. Blue zones on Netflix. A small argument at night about parents. 

2. Impulsive India ticket. Walks. Grocery shopping.

Mayura sadhya. 

3. Cook, zoo / Biswarup. Portos. Burbank park.

4. Malibu park

5. Work UA/topN. Cook. Walk. Z. 

6. Ticket. 

7. UA/ top n, opera , asn. Z Bath

8. Fixes. 

9. Swim. Chitchat. yoga. annapoorna, shoes

10. laundry/dish - AJ, basic cleaning, cooking, sleeep, 10K walk @ Pier.

11. Bad sleep, basic work, sleep, skipped swimming, set up projector.

12. checking chennai things. talking trauma. distracted by social media handles and their well meaning scams.

13. Another day of trauma talk. Work. Wasted time on a friend who got me into an MLM call. Was generally feeling hopeless about a world where human decency is not everyone's value. It's been three continuous days of stress and trauma. It will pass. 

14. 

15. watched 2 movies - come as you are and captain fantastic. cooked

16. costco. annapurna. argument about canceled plans. thoughts about several topics in the world and studying psychology/journalism/philosophy. 0 sleep. new angle on an old problem.

17. tried to catch up on sleep.

18. off day - bad mental health day hopefully for a necessary cause.

19. 

20.

21. 

22. a better day. 3 volunteering events.  Bee hive for migratory bees. A tree planting projects. And dog walking and packing food.

23. swim

24. 

25. some work, some disturbance from other's problems.. trying to judge the problem or how much it should or should not affect them. D - wishing I can help him.

26. what mindfulness cannot solve, sometimes a conversation may help with.

27. 

Who cares? Lol

Happiness

Good chai. Rainy day. Z insisting momma and dad sit on a raised area in a sidewalk and just chill and so we did like 3 close friends just taking in the great air, chatting silly for a while and not thinking about what task to get to next. It was good :) 

It's weird when you feel depressed. You wonder why you are depressed and you come up with reasonable ideas - it's a good process because you know which areas of your life can be improved. But after a point even plans don't seem to relieve the sadness. So what am I happy about. After a few days of depression I got my period and I'm so happy that I am able to explain my depression away.

Improvement with Z brush and bathing which seemed impossible few weeks back.

We went to the zoo. Biswarup joined us. I made great briyani but was too spicy for him.  But AJ and I loved it. The zoo was good - it was a lot of walking = exercise. I loved seeing how beautifully the seal swam. Z got to see flamingoes, elephant, tapir, monkeys, tiger, peacock, otters, frog, polka dot sting ray, fish, tortoise - the animals were obviously bored in captivation. We were glad we could see them. 

Then we went to this beautiful park in Burbank. It was amazing so we just saw it and started back. A feeling left to be tasted another day.

Portos - amaaazing food. Potato balls were great. croissant was okay. Tres leches - we've had way better tres leches. the benitos were amazing - the hazelnut ones were awesome, but the dulche de leches was awesomer. Rat had a yuzu lemonade which was great. the guava strudel was okay, but the guava rose cake was the best dessert I've had in a long long time.

Z says 'S(h)it Down' .... it's cute :)

Chitchat after a long time. Awesome spicy sauces and burrito. Warm sun after a swim. 

I watched this show called blue zones on Netflix. It was a little bit of a life changing series. I can't talk bad about the country I am at.. I've learnt and loved so much here but the series did show me there's more meaningful things to desire. Singapore was beautiful. Remote lands of barbagia was beautiful. The concept of living close to our parents was beautiful. The ability of older people. The happiness of connection. The purpose , ikigai. The simplicity of life's daily activities and their importance. The preparation of food. The variety and type of food. The attitude of survival.

After 3 days of stress I'm thankful for sleep. It's been 3 days of not being able to focus on work, exercise, gurl, home and mental health. But I'm really glad that despite everything I can block it all off and go to sleep. Of course girl has been taking milk and been clingy it's just that mentally I've been disconnected. 

I am a pseudo believer of horoscope. Pseudo believer of a higher power. When horoscope tells you exactly what you've been feeling after you feel it, somehow you feel a relief. I felt some hard emotions and information about evil after a very long time and was not able to focus on the good. Horoscope said you will have bad energies come towards you - try to manage it and turn it into good.

Pondicherry mother said hostile forces will attack wherever and whenever they can - do not react and do not admit them. These are both timely signs and I love it when I hear something random say exactly what I feel about. 

I also learnt something about my mother. I always felt she had some sadness that I never knew about. I still don't know her full story. But I know part of her puzzle. About her mother. About her childhood and trauma and the normalization of toxic things. I felt sad for her. Most of my life I felt that if she had been around I would have been more protected, but now suddenly I felt that if she was around, I could have given a ear to her troubles - I wondered if she has ever spoken about her struggles to anyone.

I wanted a sign that she was here to know that I am there for her and she is close to me. Who knows what's true. I asked for butterfly, humming bird or bees. I went to the verandah, no one appeared - then left to take scooter for a walk, forgot about it. Right after I entered my gate a butterfly flew straight towards me and I said hey thanks and it flew away. That was yesterday. This morning, I went to the verandah to check on my beautiful seedlings and out of nowhere for the first time I saw a butterfly in my verandah. Who cares what I'm supposed to believe and what is rational. I want more of these signs. I'd like a hen named Ali that Amma had as a kid. I'd like anything that can take me closer to her presence. I want to know her soul is at peace.

Pigeon. Bird. pigeon. all in new places - there's this theory that when you start looking for something you just see it a lot more because of heightened awareness. 

Ar Rahman. Cool breezy walks. Kollaiyila thinnai veithu. 

Z taking a crayon and pretending she is applying make-up on me. Z loves earrings and necklaces and all those girly things - or maybe it's all babies - but I love it - I don't think I took much interest in these things but somehow I'm excited for Z.

Z saying 'I love you' out of the blue and lighting up my day when I most needed it.

Walks, husband, personal mental strength, little happiness - some rocks to hold on to when mental health takes a dip.

My first full lap. With the help of this super cheerful girl who's name even I don't know.

Dosa kal. For a while AJ and I were wondering why she keeps saying this until we realized it was 'draw a circle'. 

We were crossing the road and Scooter was pulling me out of the lane. The car that has to cross patiently waited and I was looking at the driver who was giggling at Scooter, she saw me pulled the window down and laughed so loud. I love women that can laugh at silly things. 

Zaya's little hands holding on to me at night - being mom.

Moth has been outside the door for two days now. 

I saw some old photos. I saw mom smiling. It was comforting to see that. It was good to know that what I once wondered is now answered. It looked like she was bitter sometimes but really it was the best she ever had. But her body gave up - she had unhealed wounds. She is probably at a better place now. 

Dogs.

first time encouraging someone else to meditate. getting guidance on how to guide someone.

So many things Zaya does, I don't know how she learns. Her dad made food for her and she said 'Thank yee .... Dada" it was a moment :)

Dada got Z a Scooter. It brought out the child in me for sure. It's been fun trying to play with it in the apartment. 

Two songs for Amma on my mind. Chinna that aval. And 'if tomorrow never comes'. Lots of signs that I'd like to believe are from mom. Wishful thinking or magic, who cares? I love you, mama. 

Food

Anu : veg briyani, egg masala, cauliflower rice, 

AJ : sandwiches

Outside : Margot , mayura, Portos

Lots of food was made and shat that was not listed here. 

Thoughts.

Psychology:

Sibling relationships - why one child with extra needs makes another kid feel alienated. Why some kids are made to grow up fast. Gender based treatment in children

How differently boys and girls respond to trauma. 

attachment wounds

boundaries - pursuer / distancer

rejection sensitive dysphoria

Karma as a concept can be interpreted in conflicting ways. When we offload the responsibility we have in correcting something to karma, we give away our responsibility - and that to me is worrisome. The other thing is karma can be interpreted as revenge. And revenge can be harmful in two ways. It traps a person in bad feelings for far longer than they have to be trapped. Revenge is not removing harm, it's repeating harm. What is better than karma is doing whatever needs to be done that is in our hands and within our abilities to stop further harm towards ourselves and towards others and then walking forward with the peace that you tried your best. 

Simple things can upset us and reveal important insights into our life. When we are upset it's easy to give in and react. What I'm thankful for is the maturity to give space to the situation and analyse what inside me is causing me to be upset and we can find honesty, which can't be bad, right? 

And I find lots of areas of growth:

- why do you think of what others do as vanity? Why do you want to think that what you do is somehow better to what someone else does? Why do you think that they are lead by an illusionary success and somehow your version of success is more meaningful?

- why do you get irked by compliments one gives to another, why does it make you feel small, invisible? Why do you care about being visible? 

- why do you hold yourself so rigidly away from things that don't seem to be your priority but you constantly tell yourself that if it was your priority you'd be great. Are you missing doing things? 

- are you content in your bubble, are you scared to face the world of judgement when you step outside this bubble?

- is your self worth fragile that it can be swayed by jealousy.

- do you constantly need to tell someone what you did to feel seen. And is feeling seen your best way to feel good about yourself? 

- you feel engaged when you are by yourself doing things you set forth for yourself. Why does this engagement have to be translated into words for others? 

How do I go back to my place of peace when I'm upset? 

- listen, step away, don't react, don't respond, just take the privilege of understanding where your thoughts come from - just like you did now.

- let everyone be happy. Let everyone shine their best self. There's nothing for you to judge about why someone is something or someone has something. It's about time you realize you have finite time left and it's best spent finding your own gifts, moments, building what you have the abilities to and finding happiness - happiness that's enough even if only you know about it. Find that spark , make it shine... 

Watched 2 movies - come as you are - a movie about disabled kids and how they feel like they are missing out on experiences - about their sense of independence and discovery that many do not think about.

the other is a movie called Captain Fantastic who brings up his child in a hippie way without knowledge of the real world - they know to hunt, they read books and are hyper aware of the world's philosophies, they are allowed to discuss freely about anything - there isn't any age appropriation. They can sing. they have high IQs but they also have rigid rules and 0 exposure to the normal un-opinionated world.  In many ways, they have a wonderful life, but also shielded. The father realizes his mistake in bringing them in a certain way and has a hard time letting them integrate into normal society. 

Watching blue zones on Netflix was very very insightful. It made me think a lot about how we take decisions in our lives and about American life. 

It made me realize the responsibility we have towards our parents. About the simple movement based life. It made me realize how America is missing a lot and yet has sold and convinced to so many that this is a good life. After 12 years of being here you realize there is a big drug problem, a homelessness problem, divided families, racism, broken immigration system, innovation in tech which is basically phones, laptops, content in the name of connect. Gun violence. Politics that is not based on policy, but based on power plays. An unfair immigration system. It can also be a lonely place.

Is any other country better, we don't know but we do know having community is important, having a good environment is good, having value based politics is good, having more trust and less fear, having more certainty is important. 

Obviously there are things that brought us to this country and there are things that made us hope - and there are lots of things about this country that we still don't know fully about. So there are good things - there is good leadership in corporate America that is able to treat employees fairly and get productivity out of them. There is less politics and more room and freedom to dream , plan and do things instead of sitting with office politics. It feels less competitive and more meaningful. Team realtionships are actually good for my mental health. Corporate tech companies have a nice healthy progress. Monetarily it makes sense. So this bubble I'm in feels profitable to me even though expenses feel high.