I gave birth but just so I don't discount the small things from this month, I also did something creative for a AI hackathon and it got some attention at my workplace.
I had lots of thoughts for this month and planning done for next few months - a separate post about it will follow - but crux of it is chatgpt did an excellent job giving me grace and dialing down the overachieving burnout version of my plans and it was more human and I was more robot and I was thankful it was more human.
Okay let's get to birth.
My doula is a UK certified doc and a doula in the US and even for her my birth process was a bit of an experience which she handled with such patience and kindness. Initially I did not know what the help of a doula could look like.
There were a few reasons I wanted her.
- I've learnt to take more chances to support myself. I always put my needs last in the past and had realized the impact it had in my life so I wanted her just so I get to experience how getting guidance from another person could be like.
- I had the benefit at work supporting partial coverage for a doula.
- I already had a c section so maybe trying a vbac helps reduce impact on core muscles.
- I guess also the curiosity to see if I can make it.
The doula and just every hospital staff reminded me that no one there was just doing a job. They were at a high risk environment that can be stressful exhausting, doing 12 hour shifts, having a calm pleasant face and genuinely bringing their full self to work so they can help every new patient like it was their first one. They had love, care and warmth for a client but you know I wasn't just a client, I was someone they choose to be there for earnestly.
I showed both the biggest strength, mentally and physically I have ever shown but also wondered why the hell did I do not opt for a c section with epidural many times since 53 hour early plus actual labor is no easy ordeal.
Every decision was driven by future pain and future fear while managing current pain.
Friday 6.30 early labor started. We started tracking. 8 minutes once seemed close enough and consistent enough, but 5 minutes was the golden number and consistency was more than 6-8 minute variability that I saw. Still I called the doula. She wanted us to wait but going through the night breathing through it not knowing what was gonna happen next, not knowing what I would do if I took a late call, I kept updating her at wee hours. Rathan was helpful but asleep and I felt extra helpless and fearful when there wasn't someone aware of what I was going through. Some times I was like I should let him sleep so I can call him later and also wondering if doula should be called later but eventually ended up waking him and calling her.
She helped me through the night with some exercises, then we decided we will just try to rest till morning. She went back home and I tried to rest. We took a call to go to hospital because we weren't sure baby was moving - so once we confirmed that we checked dilation I was at 3 cm which was good news. We took the choice of going home and dilating more and coming back.
Harriet's backup doula was helping me at home and also very kind and helpful. She said I was doing very good exercises and breathing.
Then we did some breathing. There was the mucus plug and bloody show stuff. We were 5 minutes apart and went to hospital. We were still at 3 or 4 I think but they decided I can stay at hospital now and continue. Harriet encouraged me to do some exercises and I was telling her I was drowsy and would like to rest first. She said she will go home and rest as well.
I took some morphine - I was scared if I would become psychotic and kept delaying the decision but eventually took it. It did not give me pain relief but between contractions it let me sleep for 5 minutes at a time.
Now I was on my second night of contractions and again when there was no one watching and the contractions started and I got off the bed , walked , tried to sit erect on the bed while my leg was not cooperating, and there was no one to watch if I was okay or not, the fear started coming up. There's something about being in pain and not having someone that makes it scary.
Rathan was there all the whole, coordinating between Zaya and Arvind who came exactly one day later than would have been ideal but still perfectly in time for the next few days so more blessed than sad. He lost sleep with me and helped massage me.
The doulas were natural and had amazing massaging techniques to counter pain. Ajey was always sincerely attempting but too gentle for a massage and kept repeating things like lower the shoulder , breathe through it because that's what he learnt looking at the doula.
It was still a lot of help and showing up from Ajey through sleeplessness. The doulas were so impressed with the kind of help he was doing and feeding me food like I was a child.
In the night I was constantly wondering if I should let the poor man sleep or call out for help.
At one point it got painful enough and the doulas were also surprised earlier when the hospital refused epidural as this was a first for the doulas.
The hospital refused epidural because I could get to a certain dilation and then just stay there for a few days on epidurL which is something they wanted to avoid.
In my mind I decided I needed a epidural and said I was okay with getting a c section if that's the only way the hospital would get me a epidural. It felt helpless that the hospital did not let me be the decider about epidural.
With the second doula, I think I progressed with breathing and got to 6 cm and they moved me to labor and delivery which had more space.
Then they gave me epidural. I still felt the pain. Then I got bollus top up. And it was painful and painfully long. We were getting to more dilation. They wanted to break water, thankfully I broke already so that was another good sign but they still wanted to break it. Things progressed.
So morphine , epidural, bollus was used. I refused more morphine.
The one thing I wanted to avoid was induction because of the fear of tearing and faster contractions.
I was almost at 9-10 at cervical check, as per doc. She mentioned there does not seem to be a problem with cervix.
And then some politics started. The nurse overrode the new resident doc saying she has to recheck the cervix. And said it's 9 and not 10 - there's some cervix there and they cant risk going forwRd until I took pitocin for induction.
An uncomfortable number of cervix checks was being done so I was getting better at saying no.
For induction, I refused , negotiated , asked for a breast pump instead of pitocin but they had a boundary and enforced it, they gave me 20 mins and the only choice was induction or possible c section. I was a little exhausted but mentally alert asking a lot of questions, refusing things several times, so we went ahead with pitocin too only after I got a good amount of bollus topped up.
The monitoring was so annoying. For the anesthesia to work I had to rely on gravity. For the monitoring which was the worst sensor in the hospital system , I had to stay away from gravity trading off pain relief for monitoring.
I was heading into the third night getting ready for my baby to be born on marijuana Day or hitlers birthday. I was in no mood for emotions. My mindset was stoic. Nothing right or wrong about anything. Nothing happy or sad about this. My only choice is whether I show up mentally strong or not and so I decided to show up to whatever it was going to be - and I said ok if my son gets associated to all these references for this day so be it, he will develop a character beyond that.
I did not care whether it was c section or natural, I was ready to get through the course of this.
Thankfully it was now 10 cm dilation and I was allowed to try a natural delivery. I think I started at around 11 pm and this could take another 4 hours for all we know.
I was given breathing instructions.
All the yoga and the breathing control I had practiced for years brought me through everything up till that point and prepared me for whatever was ahead - pushing a whole baby out of a vaginal canal.
I focused on breathing and pushing. Breathing and pushing. Instruction was to breathe in, push by holding breath and then breathe out but I course corrected and told them I just needed breathing in and breathing out because that was working with pushing and holding was just not natural for me to push with.
I had no interest in seeing baby in a mirror. I was hyper focused and only wanted to get the baby out first before distracting myself with anything else.
In half hour, baby was out. I could have spent another ten minutes ideally because the last part was important according my doula but the doc decided to pull baby out after the baby had come out half way. I ended up with four tears, one a second degree not sure if it was because of the pulling out.
Ajey watched the baby come out
Through the contractions holding his hand was all the psychological support I needed. This gentle man who was going along with me having no clue what to do or how to decide for me but just sincerely trying within his limits whatever he could was the mental support that the technically stronger person in the room - me, needed. His hand in the process of me distracting my pain. It was important. All I need in the process of this life is an assurance there was one person in the world who would not let me do it alone. That hand was stronger even though so gentle and clueless.
Baby Rian came out, and with the anesthesia I was happy to see what looked like another chance of seeing zaya as a baby. People were stitching up my vagina. They said the blood loss was more than they normally see. I was like whatever. Is this something that will heal or something that can get worse - it would heal in 6 weeks was all I needed to hear.
Harriet was overjoyed
There are a lot of people I don't have in life the way I wished I could have but a lot of strangers show up in beautiful ways and they remind me of humanity.
We moved to the postpartum room.
They gave me care.
I tried to breastfeed.
They had a wonderful nursery where they took care of Zaya while we got out first sleep.
Vbac was a success story. I tore the vagina instead of the tummy. I have better chance at a stronger core which is technically better for my health than my vagina. Recovery is supposed to be easier than cesarian which is what it feels like.
I was able to pee, poop and bathe by myself. Mostly a success story and a preview into a world of strangers who's purpose was to be kind.
I had risk of preeclampsia and had to heal without infection.
How I returned home and how I healed is a whole new post.
