Week 3

There has been progress but of course I am not feeling particularly great about it.

- I am able to get out of bed, wear my own clothes, get into the bath tub. 

- I've stopped using pain meds / stool softeners.

- This boy is healthy, I am recovering.

- We get good food , clean home.

- We have enough money to send Z to summer camp and spend on formula and food and the unsustainable amount of cleaning supplies / bounty / wipes / diaper.

- Rat has paternity leave which he used to support me for the first 2 weeks and now he is using towards other red tape and Canada stuff.

- Mostly formula, some formula and very little nursing has progressed.

- I have started changing diapers. 

- I have started sanitizing bottles and pump parts which takes more than an hour.

- Dishwasher stuff.

- I am already taking on the night shift too, which was a luxury not to take care of.

So the good thing is I am taking on more responsibility, and that is the bad thing too.

Two weeks and mothers are already on to house work. I may be the lucky or the unlucky one compared to other mothers. luckier than moms who have to start cooking already. unluckier than mothers who have their own mom to help, care. unluckier than moms who's identity is wrapped in taking care of babies. 

- Night shift means needing more time to catch up on sleep. no time to bathe and transition to the day.

- Lot more time on chores.

- Morning shift is also on me.

- Rat is helping, focusing on other things we have to move, but I'm still mentally tuning into all of these extra duties.

- I am sleepy, tired and in no place where I can focus on studies or anything I'd like to.

- My body is still bleeding and healing from stitches, my body is still trying to make milk, it is still trying to shrink my uterus, my hormones are still fluctuating, but there's no one to ask about it, just the quiet expectation to move on to duties already.

- I do dip into sadness a bit here and there. 

- I need to find time to get out of the apartment, I really wish I had people I could be talking to.

- Rat will start work, my course will start next month, a nanny backup is in place. But this is all still things to adjust to. 

I'm already on day 3 of week 3.

This week will be about taking on all the responsibilites, tracking them on the phone and finding a pattern that feels healthy. Night shift adjustment will be the biggest adjustment.

I wish I find some emotional help. something I can look forward to.