July

 July

July was a month of getting sick, many days of Zaya at home , fatigue, lack of motivation.

What was good about July was that we escaped reality in the weekends by going somewhere and that was our reality too, just another kind of reality where we enjoy fresh air and vastness and walks. There was cuteness from Zaya and Scooter. some social life.

Happy things

Day 1 of July was great. At Biswarup's place - all talented folks - good music and great paintings. The comfort of being able to take Scooter and Zaya along. A beautiful kitchen. Quinoa salad from Costco that I loved.

We're just about entering Zaya's 8th month, and a few days before that she has learnt to clap, and wait for it - Crawl! Like proper crawl. She also knows how to say No when she's had enough food. Many things about her growing up are not about me showing her what to do, it's about me learning from her what she becomes. 

No matter what mood we're in , when I spend time with Zaya everything can melt away when she smiles. It's a magical little smile. 

Rajdhaani kichdi. Khadhi.

Annapoorna sambar vada.

Chapathi and dal

A day of cleaning. 

A day of being imperfect followed by a day of talking about imperfections. What we came to was that we're not about being perfect or giving up. We're about trying to be better. 

The option to join in for a daily meditation and start somewhere.

Massage.

Walking near our old neighborhood

Pretty dress, adult mix, baby powder - all shipped from India. 

Swetha’a mom and her acts of kindness. 

Tamales. 

Being sick sucks, but is an opportunity to revisit habits and try to do small changes towards good health. I’m thankful for that opportunity. I’m thankful for friends who suggest what to do when I get sick or sad. I’m thankful for hospitals and the fixes they give. I should not be , but I’m also thankful for the 10 pounds I lost this last month out of sickness. I’m thankful for sick days. I’m thankful for Santhu’s video on satvic eating that shares a few good points about what can be changed habit wise. 

Here's a bunch of things that my friends told me about getting sick and getting better:

What I tried : tea, water, eucalyptus oil, steam.

Allopathy : amox antibiotic and flonase steroid spray.

Homeopathy : ear drops 

Lymphatic massage

Satvic Food

Foods for estrogen binding.

I don't know exactly what worked and I'm not fully sure it has worked since it has got better and then worse in the past. But towards the end of my most recent better phase I did have amox, I did have flonase, I stopped ear drops and oils and inhalers. The lymphatic massage seemed to really work. I did go mild with food and tried to starve a bit before choosing to eat. I also ate cauliflowers for estrogen binding. 

Here is some philosophy behind how one gets sick : One theory is that when we eat mucus causing food it lines all our intestines and pipes and causes gunk to build up and cause infections and sinusitis. So having satvic food (mucus reducing food) along with brisk walking and fasting and water packs helps remove the mucus. A very complementing theory is that of lymphatic massage. Both these theories are based on the thought that mucus gets produced below the neck and the symptoms show in the ear, nose and throat - so fix what's below. Lymphatic massage has a series of gentle strokes where you pump at a certain point in your neck and then massage downward from the ear and the side of the necks and the back of the head. When you do this the phlegm from here drains downward and the phlegm in your sinus cavities across your face have space for downward movement and therefore now drain downward. These theories also believe that allopathy only fixes the symptoms and not the root cause. Sometimes fixing the symptoms are equally important for relief and to stop infection so that's good too. Finally the other theory is that especially for women, the hormonal imbalances are high because of menstruation and child birth and menopause and so when certain hormones are higher than usual, your sensitivity to allergies increase (especially the case after child birth). So estrogen binding foods can help here.

I’m thankful for Scooter and his  randomly coming to kiss my toe before he goes to sleep :) 

Of course thankful for Ajey who I keep annoying. 

One day of meeting team mates and taking photos at Casa del Mar.

Most of the weekdays are unfulfilling. There is no sense of intention. The weekends are spent escaping the week's feelings and even though you have to come back to your weekdays I like the break to another kind of reality. The reality of sunset, warm rays, front yards, trees, old people with sunny smiles, random conversations, Zaya getting attention, fresh breeze and if none of these just some movement for the body. 

Today amidst the uneventful life we took a rather refreshing walk in the rich Bel air neighborhood being amazed by the vastness of things. One would think inspirations arrive only in nature, and if inspirations arrived from rich neighbourhoods it would be about becoming rich, but Bel air proved different for us. There were some amazing architectures, there were roofs so high that it looked like 10 rooms would fit in the roof. There was the fresh prince of Bel-Air house, but what stood out was an entrance to one of the houses that was probably on the side yard, and on the other side of the entrance we could see all through the backyard into the clouds of the hills. It felt like the entrance to heaven. Something about that moment was breathtaking. It was such a wonderful neighborhood to walk around, fresh air and there was blood circulating and inspiration came of riches but not exactly of the bel-air kind. I felt inspired to live a life that was full of riches of the mind - and that meant - a disciplined life lead by one's own terms. It felt like exercise, and books and focus but not going after something. It felt like stability of a place and peacefulness and focus on a journey not really wanting to lead somewhere exact.

After high demand, AJ's white pasta with mushrooms were made, and we devoured it in one night. Jusst yummm. 

Every time we return home, I carry Zaya up the stairs and Rat follows me like a dinosaur thats going to bite Zaya. it's become their personal thing that she almost anticipates this happening that as soon as get out the garage she's giving a mischievous smile looking at her dad. :)

One day of cheating : salmon cake

Thoughts

Motherhood : 

It’s hard. I’m fatigued, my back hurts, I don’t get enough sleep, I get annoyingly sick all the time. And with all these changes I’m also wondering all the time if I’m doing enough for Zaya. There’s this debate between independence and nurture. Will she get the right education, is the American system right for her emotional and mental growth. 

Sickness means not being good to one self , not being a good mom, not taking care of house chores, not being productive at work.

Lack of focus. 

Back aches and Zaya sleep.

Racing of mind.

I can see greed and someone being taken for granted, lack of sincerity. I only hope the person being taken for granted is able to balance the good heart with wise boundaries. From my side, what I can do is try to better the life that's within my hands - and there's a lot of scope just there. 

Saw someone who took a year of planned break. Tended their garden and did a lot of intentional engagements.

Watched dark documentaries. Also, binge watched stranger things. I'm a person who looks for a purpose behind everything. Watching dark documentaries is like education about evil in the world. To be close to the truth about the world just as it is. It's also about the amazing investigative agents and cops who do their job. It's also about the sadness about people's lives. Now about binge watching and stranger things. Binge watching is this unhealthy need to get done with something immediately, a way of drowning oneself, like eating several dishes in one meal. So maybe I should know to say 'okay enough for today, I'll have the dessert tomorrow'. Stranger things itself - entertainment - maya. But yes art also has the skill to draw parallels with the real life. It could be helping children who identify themselves with situations. This documentary 'Girl in the picture' could very well be the story of Stranger things. Most bad people have a reason they believe they can operate the way they do. They often drive it to a hard childhood, some to revenge. Almost like a joker. It also brings to the front, that sometimes two people who come from the same situations can respond differently to the same. One can do something positive out of it. One can turn into something negative. The crux of all of it is this - Childhood influence. It's very important what children see when they grow up.

Things to think about

Housing. Money. Parents. Zaya. Love. Fun. Behaviors. Health.

June

Summary :

It's been a hard month. Was anxious more times than last month. More sleepless days. Few J days. Few days of arguments. Still trying to get Zaya to take the bottle and sleep better. Stock market sucked. I had a hard time adjusting to the day care, initially.

On the good side, I cooked frequently, started daily walks, am still breast feeding and trying to improve her feed. Work went well. I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and tried to depend on myself to feel better. Health stats are better even though I can feel much better. I've kind of negotiated a schedule at the day care that works for me. Food (of course) - always thankful for :) Every weekend , we went out somewhere - beach, open houses.

Happy things : 

A productive Saturday: cooked, dishwasher, gave Zaya a warm bath, spent a good amount of time singing and reading to her. Washed her toys. Rat helped with trash, grocery and laundry. All this in spite of some nonsense social media.

We got Kenya to look after Zaya so we could go see Vikram.. it was over hyped movie but I guess a good trial to see how Zaya does without us for long. She's so calm with me that I had no idea what a little monster she can be to others. Kenya had back pain cuz Z cried the minute she put her down. Thankful for Kenya who was nice enough to come over. She's got a full time job as a account manager and does not do babysitting and was just nice because it was us. :)

My new doc is super professional and sweet. She reminded me to set my eye and dentist appointment and got all my questions answered patiently.

After a year of being on non veg food, my stats are all better than they were even before my pregnancy! I moved from anemia to elevated iron now(which is a whole new problem). I also have to get more vitamin d in. Time to fast again - get back to vegetarianism and weed out a few more things.

Did I already say this.. the daycare folks thought I'd be a good person to join them :D that's how involved I'm with Zaya. I'm the only mom doing this and I feel proud about myself that I spend time with the little one at a time in her life when she enjoys being with me. I get to sing songs to her and read books and the best part is I only do this thrice through my work day, before I start work , during lunch and the end of the day. It does not interfere with my productivity at work as much as I had initially feared. 

Appa renovated his house and it looks nice. 

Appa's new neighbor works for CBI in the cyber crime department and I'm so excited to meet this person sometime. Appa told me he wanted to move on from this role and Rat said he read a reddit on how most folks in cyber crime and anything that involves spending time on hard-to-see images eventually want to move on for sake of mental bandwidth. 

This neighbor also helped appa find a person who makes furniture to order.

Great news from D. :) A good year for him

Also, His student got first place in a tournament

Some random analysis I took proved useful to find some suspicious behavior.

I took some time in between the day to go for a walk. No scooter , Zaya or Ajey. Just me like back in yahoo office days. :) It was pleasant weather and was nice to take a new route and find new things to do around her day care.

Took a day off after a night of anxiety. Tried to sleep in which Zaya did not really allow. Got cake for lunch - random but Rat hinted pastries so that's what we did. Then I got a great massage from Tina at Hoop Massage. It was only 30 mins but felt great. I think masseuses are the perfect examples of professionalism. They make every minute of their service count and heal people from aches and pains. 

Rat does a lot of everyday things like breakfast, picked my medicines, makes puree, drives us around. I on my side mainly just feed the baby day and night. Outside of that, some work, some random day of puree and cooking, dishwashing. I like to keep it equal but many days I do feel a fatigue OR I'm just holding Zaya. 

We're finally making the purees a little more diverse , so Zaya gets : apple, banana, cereal, pears, butternut squash, sweet potato, egg, broccolli, carrot, dhal, avacado

The song : Un elephant

Swetha and Swetha's mom :) they sent me kanji for Zaya and aunty also sent kanji for me. She generously said "You're also like a daughter to me da" and I melted for a while.

Another weekend that was almost perfect until it was not! We made kothu paratha for breakfast, went to the beach and I spent some time in the water, we did laundry, trash, dishwasher, grocery, putting things away. Made chicken briyani and mutton paya (from gowri and gowri and it was aweeesome especially with dosa ) for the last non veg dishes I'm going to have till I go to India next. Gave Zaya a warm bath. 

Bolthouse carrot juice is the perfectest summer drink.

And the mango milkshakes that Rat makes. Yummy.

Arguments and temper are not good. Making up again and again may not be healthy either. but there's a certain happiness to making up after a tough day - to feel like a team again , to give ourselves another chance.

I had a dream where I got a fancy magazine that I could pull things out of. I got a few stitched saree blouses and a huge platforms type footwear that was funky looking (yes, all out of a book - those kind of things can  happen in dreams) and somehow I was super happy in the dream. 

Got Rat to taste arepas.

I spoke over the video call with some of my favorite people. Log. Lavs. Arti ka. Briefly with Alu, Dhivs & Gows.

Avanti's beautiful ballet like dance :) All the kids doing hoola hoops.

Another weekend of getting things done. It's just Sat afternoon and we got some things done - broomed the house, trash, laundry, hair wash, cooking, dishwasher, Scooter walks, counters got cleansed, her toys got washed. cleaned and ran Shark. Weekends are never perfect, there's always something that does not fit the narrative I want to have - more of that in the sadness section. But in the spirit of ending on a positive note, it's a long weekend for me, and there's still good times to be seized.

Few more things to do for the long weekend - grocery, Zaya health, quarters, Zaya / Scooter bath, mop, clean her seats. Maybe work. Maybe read. Maybe watch something and drown out time. 

Booked a 🧘‍♂️ class at Santa Monica Yoga. :) Got the benefits of stretching and clearing the mind. I wasn't the best , I have weak knees but that's not the point. The point is I tried and it helped :) and got sore.

Had egg briyani, slept better. Lol.

Finally went on mint. only that is the good news. How we spent last year was bad news. It almost looked American - our spending - paycheck to paycheck - a lot was spent on food.

Made dosa batter.

Looking at kids enjoying their sliding pool for summer camp.

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Audio books, MS advice, Z sleep, Z botttle, classes? stock education. time management @ daycare.

Thoughts: 

I was having a debate with two people on the same topic - Johnny amber. One had a healthy argument and the other went on as if 'feminism' is a bad word and hit below the belt. It's sad how these things can turn out. There's lot of good relationships that can be had, but drama is always best avoided. 

When you’re an adult it’s not easy to get along with a lot of people and that’s actually a good thing. You’ve grown so much to learn a thing or two about what you won't tolerate.

I watched 'Love on the spectrum' and there were some moments of pure love there that was very touching. It opened up my eyes to what autism can look like and what it might feel like. It feels like there's always some obsessive hobby, an inclination to know a lot of trivia, some expectations of perfection - they have an ideal partner in mind and keep doubting themselves or doubting if their partner is the right person. They decide impulsively. They so badly want 'normal' - what others have - someone that would care for them. In some ways all of us could be somewhat autistic. All so called "normal" humans do so much for fitting in, for attention, we also have things we are particular about, and sometimes we also feel socially awkward with new people that we just want to leave and go back to our own place. All this may happen to autistic people in a larger scale. They may not know how to judge people and may trust everyone. 

When you feel sadness or frustration, sure you can look for a solution, but really, immediately all you want is to be heard.

Sometimes things get explained to me that I already know about. I try to keep humble and just listen through it in the hope that in between all that I get some nuggets of useful info.

As a mom you've got to be stubborn about what you want for your child but also talk about it in a way that gets things done.

Sadness / worries:

I saw a YouTube video about a lady that recently came out about abuse from her pastor who even officiated her wedding. The man just said he had a confession to make in front of the whole church and that he was inappropriate and it was 20 years back. He said it in a tone that felt like it did not maatter if it happened 20 years back. And a whole hall of people applauded him as if he did something honorable. It was disgusting. The fact that this POS cunningly acted like a protector in public and abused a 16 year old. Thankfully, right after this happened she went up the stage and set the narrative right. She called him out exactly what he did. My fear about the world is that whole hall of people that disgustingly clap without a conscience. The accomplices of ignorance. The people that don't like to question what is really wrong and like to live in denial in a way that suits their limited arrangement in their brain. 

Another thing I was sad about was a colleague in San Jose whose house was invaded for a robbery, who had to go to the bank to draw money while his son was held hostage, and when his wife returned he was held at gunpoint. Thankfully the brave wife was attentive, honked the horns hard and called the police. They managed to steal for a whole two hours but left without physical harm. How can this world become a better place for everyone? 

 The night I saw both of these news I had anxiety. I spoke in a friends' group about it - was not the best decision. I wanted to talk to someone about it but felt no one really had the space or time for it. I did not want to open up to someone and end up feeling unheard anyway. 

Zaya sometimes cries in her sleep and this may sound strange but I always feel she cries when I'm particularly worried about something. This month it's been like 4 such days. :( 

Unsustainable. This is the word that's been hanging on top of my head. It's eating at all that it takes to sustain. And it's probably true. There are things that are unsustainable. Polite condescendence. Loud questioning. This word dropped into my life at a point when it felt like things were going pretty well but since then everything is questionable. There are days when I'm myself and questioning if even that needs to be questioned. There are days when I'm my other self and I can see how I'm not the 'right' person. It's sometimes hard to decide what going forward means. At some point all of us will grow, whatever direction it might be. 

A terrible night - half with anxiety and half with Zaya breaking my back. Poor girl has congestion again.

One of those days where you feel the lack and allow yourself to feel it. The stock market, the lack of a settle plan, the lack of money for the big dreams, the lack of continuous sleep, the lack of time to spend as a couple, and if we did make time - the inability to do anything because of one of us having to hold Zaya, the lack of feeling like you're heard. The bright side is of course things can always be worse, we are both employed, Work is a great escape - a place where I can sharpen my skills and feel good. I am able to take care of Zaya, and we're progressing in some way in our lives. There are ways to move from lack to contentment - partly mentally and partly by working hard.

The necessity to feel heard. The practicality of being closed. 

When you're not heard, your options are to let the frustration out, to communicate about it, and the third hard one is to bury it within yourself. The third lonely choice leads to distance. 

May

Summary

Day care, sickness, ramping up on work, trying to cook and clean, eating out, driving a little, wild babies on Netflix, phone conversations, moon child.

Doubting oneself, little thoughts and the challenges of motherhood, slight trauma, difficulty balancing boundaries and relationships, dependency and its rightful consequence of having to refine oneself. 

Happy things : 

May starts with recovering from this allergy/ congestion that seems like it’s been forever. The good side is no fever, pain has gone and it’s a great excuse to cook and order a lot of good comforting food. Soups, pho, banana bread, samosas, garlic naan. 

S delivered a baby in Apr and she's been doing fine and already sounding confident with her routine and I was reassured hearing what I expected of her. Both S & D named their son the same name.

A got married. It's a huge step and I'm sure there's lots to celebrate and learn :)

Week 1 - Cooking frequently. Week 2 got tiring and involved eating out more. Then, I did not cook much. My favorite was aalu capsicum and kurma that came out well. And Ajey's briyani.

New team happiness.

Some driving.

Gifted AJ a couple of things I knew he liked - a McLaren f1 lego set that's limited on the market right now and a ferrari regular f1. Dinosaur lights. He's still got his little kid inside him and that's awesome. There's one more thing I'm waiting for that I think he'll like :)

Rat made time on Sunday inspite of all the work at office he had to get done, so he could take Zaya and me to Solvang. It was nice to be out of the house. We stopped by a breezy lake, found how weak my cardio health was but it was nice for Zaya to experience the shock of strong breezes or rather funny for us to see her reaction. We had Danish food and some ice cream. We finally found butterscotch :) And on our way back we saw lunar eclipse from the car. It was nice for Rat to just change the pattern of things a little.

He also bought some lovely cakes for us to try the other day. It was a sugar fest. Zaya was super interested in it.

So I've not been a fan of filling up time with TV. But with Zaya sometimes it's easier to put her on my lap and zone out into the TV and so I've indulged on a few movies. Gangubai kathiwadi was good. It had a story and amazing sets. Great camera work. I loved a funeral scene. I watched war of the worlds which Ajey suggested. An alien movie from long back - entertaining. I like movies like the day after tomorrow which gives you this eerie doomsday feels. I watched kannathil muthammitaal the n'th time and still cried when Amudha met her birth mom. I watched this awesome movie called the fundamentals of caregiving. Right from the beginning it put a smile on my face - so much wittiness and an offbeat characters. Finally a raw revenge story - saani kaagidham - so much violence. Quentin Tarantino style. Personally I've distanced myself from the futile feeling of revenge but I could not help but be gripped by her story.. I did not want to judge her.. I took her side cuz only she felt what she felt and she was okay with whatever settling scores entailed. 

Of all the inefficiencies in my life, the few moments of spending with Zaya being nothing - that somehow makes it to my list of something good done. I also enjoy spending a few minutes with the other babies and toddlers at the day care and seeing them smile or comforting them. 

I love the tattoed teacher. She mostly spends time with the toddlers and I can see how much fun she has doing what she does - it shows. One day she was playing around with the kids, the other day reading a story, another day talking about feelings. I love her. 

Rat is awesome. He understands when I need to take rest. He always steps in to fill the gaps cuz he understands there are no real gaps and I'm no robot. It's the best feeling to be with someone with whom I don't have to be anything else. 

When I forget my hoodie and Rat gives me his - that's love. I love the smell and warmth of it all. He's always the one doing something like this.

Chai latte at Thyme was like a warm frothy flavorful hug.

Pink Punjabi and gulab jamun at the roots. 

Tres leches cake that Rat bought. 

An amazing biriyani he made after buying kalpasi javithri and other specific ingredients. 

A massage at the massage therapy center from this super strong Taiwanese woman Debbie who told me her whole life story over the 90 minutes. She has a degree in China and after 3 kids and a 10 year gap, and a 1- year stint as an insurance agent, she found it hard to cope with her lack of english speaking skills and became a massage therapist by chance. She first started part time, her mom still does not know what she is, and after all these years she feels her calling was always 'Healing'. Her three daughters are doing well, and she even visited France as part of her daughter's exchange study program, one of them makes food for her, during the pandemic they got her paints so she could pursue that. She also makes great bouquets. She spoke about how she went to church to learn English, her plans to graduate from Acupuncture program this year. A regression hypnotism she did, where she was an alien in one life :D and a medicine making man in a tribe in another life. She spoke about how she learnt martial arts as a kid but was seen as un-womanly for winning the tournaments. She was great at her skills in healing as much as she could talk. It was nice knowing her and seeing her spirit. The massage was amazing. 

Reading the book "Practical Fraud Prevention" and feeling good about the reassurance it gave on what I've done right.

I love this series called Wild Babies. In many species, the mother is the sole protector of the kid, directly. Lions don't even care about the cubs, lionesses protect and feed. Hyenas , however take turns in protecting the crew and always allow the kids to eat before the elders eat. Pangolins assign one adult to mentor one baby. Otters (ignoring all the other things I know about them) felt the most motherly, they almost had me in tears. I also enjoyed switching on French subtitles and attempting to refresh my familiarity with French. Of course there are some that are just born evil. The pride of male lions is almost cruel. Amma’s story strung a chord. The struggle of not knowing how to grow without a mom was hard to watch. 

Watching the penguins was great too, the partnership between mom and dad to keep baby alive. 

M confided in me of the therapy she's been going to and while it's hard to know how much she had to experience beyond her age, I'm glad that her process has brought her to a self awareness that many folks don't put time into. I pray that she knows she is enough just the way she is. 

Talking for an hour over the phone with the same person without an agenda. It's probably happening after twenty years. It's different but nice to do something human.

Zaya has been crawling all these days and we did not really count it cuz she lifts her bum and moves backward or just turns 360 while doing tummy time but now we know it counts cuz she actually moves from A to B. It’s fun to put her toys a little away and letting her figure how to get to it. She bends from a seated position and her legs a hindrance. She manages to put one leg behind and one forward like a pigeon pose and then she cluelessly starts calling out.

Just like that just a few weeks before her 7 months she has learnt to topple both sides now. She also knows to go on her tummy directly from sitting. She's getting heavier, naughtier and gives us several instances to worry about choking and falling - not a happy thing :/

A new restaurant Banana Leaf with greaaaaat food.

Bombay Jayashree's amazing album of lullabies called Moon Child.

Work is good. I can learn about data engineering, data analysis, Advertising, the fraud industry. My manger has good energy and is on top of new things and loves to converse, discuss and pick people's brains on new happenings

A loose framework

Week Day

Weekend

Thoughts

It's 2.30 am memorial day weekend. Zaya is asleep and yet I've managed to flip my sleep timings this weekend in an unfavorable way. Making it worse for sleep now by writing down thoughts - a lot - that can be categorized under worries too...

Want to write about motherhood, generational behaviors. honesty and introspection, triggers and relationships. Social life. 

Okay, motherhood

 If I ask myself (and I often do) am I the best mom there can be .. the answer is always no.. there are so many versions of what best can be and it's very nature is that there's always something better. This is a challenge because you're always questioning yourself.. are you doing enough.. I think a better question would be 'are you sincere?' and the answer to that is.. 'most times' and I should be able to live with that. I want to be good at this responsibility that I willfully took up even if sometimes emotionally it's hard to connect to the role when you're just focused on keeping a spring of energy in one place and you have other things to do.

The other thing about motherhood is that it's an important responsibility to bring up a good human and that in turn means you need to be a good human yourself. Another tough question to answer.. are you a good human? .. there's probably things you're not aware of that you should not pass on to your daughter..and so starts a whole lot of introspection.

motherhood means you don't have the bandwidth to entrap yourself in too many emotional things like past, trauma, social media, debates.. you have to be really selfish with your bandwidth and boundaries so you can create a positive place for your baby. 

Motherhood means showing by example to your daughter that she can find meaning in her life and pursue what she wants and does not have to let her roles like wife and mother limit her. Motherhood is pursuing your meaning while doing justice to the role of a mother.

Okay, next. Too much honesty. There are things this brain brings up that can wear down your confidence of who you are. Sometimes if you are honest with just yourself you know your ability to work beyond what your thoughts tell you but if you are honest with others they can weigh your thoughts higher than it needs to be weighed. What was I honest about.. I was honest about the fact that love is not a constant.. it's an ongoing process. And it sometimes takes time to overcome the littler thoughts so you can let love find its space. This is the case with even the most important people in your life.

Third, generational behaviors. There are some behaviors we've learnt from folks that we've seen in our lives that are normal for us because of what we're conditioned to but not right for others who find it harmful. It's important we protect our kid from normalizing what we learnt. That means the people and behaviors we let into our circle, but more importantly bringing awareness to our own self. 

Social life

- it's been a while since I socialized. 

- I can't socialize with just anyone. It's nice to have fun, it's nice to chat, play, eat but also there are boundaries that protect peace.

- socializing means opening up to opinions, assumptions, expectations. And it takes skill to handle it smoothly. 

- it also can mean loving people, learning from others, warm relations. 

Triggers 

- men / women issues. 

- mansplaining

- people trying to control how I have to be

- expectations that don't fit my lifestyle.. I want my time to relax. 

- casually treading on someone's deep sensitivities as if nothing happened

- territorial 

- cleanliness / leaving dues

- being called when needed and asked not to interfere when not needed. 

- freeloading 

Traits - 

Snapping

Using tone

Wanting things now

Saying instead of requesting

If you try and you fail sometimes and that's not favorable for others, it's a reminder to focus on your own self acceptance. It's time to focus on all the things you do right. And be more at the places where you shine. 

It's 3.30

 Time to sleep

______________________________________________

Be careful what you wish for, cuz that's exactly what you get. 

Distractions. Money. Movies. Insta. Beauty. Bigger. not being answerable to anyone. 

I could be moving to audio books from other forms of distraction. Could watch a series that can teach me a thing or two about real life/ work.

Motivation Theories

What's the motivation in life : 

- To share experiences with Zaya

- To shape her values

- To give her the space to learn and grow and discover

- To build spaces that can extend care

- Home & Garden

- Exercise breath, body lightness, happy focus

- Your space to receive love and warmth

- Your space to give love 

- General niceness and warmness to peers

- Weeding out bad learnings.

- Experience music

- To meet, break out of regular

- To learn and build something that makes things easier

- Pretty corners. 

- Read books and make art with Z.

- start business.

I read articles about early childhood care and development and there are pros and cons. The important point is that early childhood care by itself can be either positive or negative, without context.  It is only as  helpful as the quality of care given. Also, an important factor in childhood care is mother-child relationship.

I have a startup idea. I also need a money plan. A marketing plan. Hiring plan. Space plan.

Lazy people will take their chance to judge what kind of mom I should be because they are all talk. I feel good about my journey so far breastfeeding Zaya for six months, managing sleep, ramping up on work slowly so I can get her good exposure at the day care, soothing her and feeding and cleaning her and bathing her. Rat helps soothe her and tries solids. Sharing time with day care helps me get some energy and fully be available to her instead of being a tired mom. 

I was talking to someone who's an extrovert and after having pushed to grow / focus on few things for long, and being the introvert I now am, it was a reminder to what extroverts see. It was a reminder about meeting people, about what covid did to people and how everyone wants to be in bubbles - married bubbles - children bubbles, that no one has the time and intent to wish others and meet. About how friendships were innocent and natural earlier in life. It was uncomfortable hearing all the things that could change with introverts, and discomfort in the right direction is a good thing. The question remains how do we network, put energy into maintaining relationships, how do we learn to exist and break out of comfort zones.

Another day exploring ideas like meeting people once a year. . 

Worries

Gun violence and racism

Still not trying bottle. Still sleeping on bed. Still needing momma during sleep. 

The amber heard and Johnny Depp trial. Spoke to someone who assumed he was already acquitted when he actually already lost another defamation trial under the laws of a different country. The comments and overarching assumption for most folks is that this is a case of feminists misusing the me too moment. While it is possible that this can be the case, after seeing the videos of him slamming and using bad language.. and hearing her account of him checking her body for drugs, what stood out to me was how dangerous it is for an actual domestic violence victim to be tried in this way with thousands of folks knowing nothing about her journey , not even watching what she had to say, listening to "expert" comments and deciding she lied. This is a lot of pressure for someone to go through. What I gather is that there was abusive language on both sides and lack of enough evidence.. but no one knows as much as the court knows what sequence of events happened. And so I wish the right thing is done. What's even truer is someone knows more than the court knows and it is the folks of the case itself. 

I'm sad because of the amount of time I lost discussing this with someone - both of us mostly driven by a biased ego - useless to the case. 

I'm ashamed how much importance is given to this vs understanding and supporting Ukraine. 

Sympathy can be used as a bait and that's something to be wary about. 

Loss of sleep. Prolonged congestion.

Adenovirus 41 

For some mental health means discussing about things. For some others it's about boundaries and not discussing about things. I hope everyone understands and respects another person's need for that space.

Apr

Summary:

- We got Zaya into the coworking day care and it's great. It gives me back focused time where I don't have to think of house chores or have to take care of Zaya. I'm able to check on her whenever I want. 

- We cooked at home, but lesser than usual. We got to eat out quite a bit. We've started buying pure juices and also have started making purees for Zaya. Eating out quite a bit : I've grown out of tamales after having a lot. I'm trying arepas at the Bolivar arepa bar but surprisingly the bagels are to die for. We ate at Thyme quite a lot and tried a variety of food. Brentwood celebrity sighting. Hong kong chai at the love coffee place was good. Sweet corn chicken soup at Moon House for sickness. 

- Rat and I were able to go on a few mid-day dates when Zaya was in the day care and it felt refreshing.

- Work is still in transition , a few peeks into the new team, a few reports for the old team.

- Driving - a little more. 

- Zaya moments, she being the boss, the playful friend. I've been spending more time at the day care than most parents that they said I could be working there ,reading baby books. I know this will lessen over time, but it's been good to be there with Zaya and the other kids.

- Wordle and Octordle

- A lot of getting sick and reviving.

Feelings : 

An uncertain place is a hard place to be. When the ground beneath you breaks you don't know just what's beneath the ground. It shows you your biggest weaknesses. Just what you are when everything you hold on to gives away. The question is are you going to live in fear or are you going to step out and find yourself.

Sometimes what feels like bad times feel like good times later on. Without ego, Zaya would have had more good times.  

I miss giving Ajey and Zaya what may have been good memories but I don't miss having to wonder how to be and what to expect every hour every day in my home. I don't miss having space to feel more like myself. It does take more effort to care for Zaya .. but it's okay when the mind is free'er.

First day at Big and Tiny had some anxieties. Back home too there was prep work before and lot of cleaning and assembling work all night. Hopefully things get into a flow soon. 

Happy things :

I'm supposed to take manager trainings which seemed off to me since I was moving away from the manager track. But I was in a sad mood and taking this course called 'leading with kindness and strength'  actually felt good. It's just nice to see women who I would like to be like. It's nice to see it's possible. It's nice to vibe with the kind of people that make me feel like hey there's something for me to learn from this person. I need more time with women I would like to be like. That to me feels like Arti akka. That to me feels like Fran Hauser, the author of this course. 

Watching women videos with Zaya and being excited about all the things we can learn together. 

Poondu rasam and Vendakka poriyal = soul food.

Catching up on sleep.

Time with Rat.

Broom, mop, washing mats, fixed Shark after a month, got Zaya a play mat and assembled a play fence, a hand vacuum is super handy, bibs, new bag, our lovely new spice carousel, and the ottoman come coffee tray

Bagel @ the arepa place. Also tasted an arepa for the first time. It’s like a fried Idl. I never even liked bagels before but this place changed it. I've had this bagel several times since.

First day at Big and Tiny. Happy about the time I get away from housework and baby work. Also happy about the few coffee places nearby that we can try. 

First meeting with Saif. Great energy and synergy in the team. I love how they bounce of everyday issues with each other as a team, how the org structure was explained, their discussion of all issues in one place opens my eyes to what's there, I like that the open house and company wide stuff is discussed too, I like the articles posted, how systems in place are explained, how they discuss strategy on what they like to take and what they should try staying away from. The team mates are nice. I especially look forward to working / learning from Biswarup again.

Happy about a day where I let all housework stay, ordered food outside and ate heavy food till I felt life brought back in me, and slept peacefully in a quiet dark room. It was much needed in between all the burn out.

Happy about Ajey and I going out for lunch in the middle of the day and trying some food at an Italian place sitting outside in the sun. I was talking to him about all the new stuff in the team. For breakfast we got the bagel again from the arepa bar.. it's ssoooo good. Yesterday we sat outside in the verandah amidst all the pansies AJ's mom had placed and had our dinner and were talking a lot - about where I learnt anger from and a lot of other things. The weather was pleasant. I'd call both these food events a date, because it felt special amidst all these busy months to be sharing a meal in a nice setting. 

I would love to make great relationships with people. I have to be a better person or I need to find more compatible people, but while I don't have the relationships / support that I wish I had .. I'm really thankful for money. The affordability to get help and get some breathing space is just so so so important. I have no idea how I'd have survived some things. Of course, I'm also thankful for the help I got while I got it. I'm thankful for the emotional bandwidth I have, now. Sometimes emotional work is more draining than anything else.

Rat and I are in on wordle and octordle.. I'd always wished we'd have some hobby in common but our shared love for words , though obvious never made it to the list until now. Now we have octordle races where we start the puzzle at the same time.

Love it when I go spend some time with Zaya and she smiles looking at me.

Zaya recovery from mildly high temperature.

I got a haircut, it's not the best but usually it's more about owning it than anything else. the positive side - hairfall is possibly lower, I can start good scalp habits like oiling and reduce the dandruff, it makes me look smart and that's a good look. Zaya can't pull my hair.  The worst case is I have it till it grows back very soon. Appa liked it. The other side : AJ will take some time to get used to it. It'll be interesting working on this look with accessories to add some feminine streaks. funny though dad thought Dheeru called once when I called lol.

I got compliments for my hair at work and at the day care.

Love nap time with Zaya in the weekend. Puts her to sleep in the warmth. Catches me up on sleep and both AJ and I get some time where we are not trying to hold and engage the high energy gurl.

To Zaya I'm not someone trying to make money, someone trying to be disciplined, heck not even mom. In her eyes I'm someone she can play with.. someone who's face she can put her tiny hands on and explore.. someone who would make sounds she laughs at, someone who can enter the room and she will smile. And what she believes is what we become - silly people :) 

I stepped into the overweight BMI at 150 pounds yesterday. What's good about that?  well it could be worse , one. Two I just have to decrease one pound and maintain that for the rest of breastfeeding, that should not be hard. I can start on getting back to 125 once the feeding phase is done.

Zaya being boss madam, lounging like a king on her stroller. She being a good friend and playing with my face. Her rightful hands searching for momma in the night. Folks made me feel a little alien when I heard things like 'Our line' but after all these months a thought passed my mind and caught myself happy - "My baby looks like Ajey" and that thought is awesome. 

Deepu had a little boy they're calling Bobby for now.

I've been having severe throat inflammation pain, ear infection, infected sinuses. The girl has been congested. The dad has been having recurring pains too. And of course sleeplessness. What's thankful about this situation is an air purifier that helps remove possible allergens, eucalyptus oil that helps get out some of the cold, green tea that helps with inflammation, Claritin that gave me much needed relief while I was in pain in the middle of the night, access to doctors to consult with, suction bulb and saline water that help us help Zaya. Of course , Rathan's warmth to be with when I'm in pain. Finally the reminder to reinforce and learn good habits for health. Like fresh food, anti inflammatory foods, staying in.

Learning : 

To be a good mom, I need to be a better person, I need to also be a happier mom. I need to refine my responses so Zaya can have a better vocabulary to learn from.

When going through a transition period, it's good to not focus on getting things perfect, it's okay to order food outside, it's okay for things to be messy, it's important to focus on the new thing and have patience until stuff falls into a schedule.

Need to figure Zaya's nutrition amidst breast milk, bottle milk, formula, mashed banana and may be few new things. Need a schedule. 

Fran Hauser's suggestion :Network with one person every week

- before you network go on LinkedIn and find people you want to network with.
- get a warm intro
- express how you can be helpful
- ask an intermediate connect with the email you intend sending to the final contact
- saying yes to you is easier when you have something to give in return. 
During meeting
- anyone I should meet? 
- how can I be helpful to you
After 
- thank you with follow ups 
- maintain the relationship
Few icebreakers 
- I'd love to hear more about your new project
- I see we both know x. How did you meet X 
- what brings you to the event.
Paying forward
- encourage others to speak up
- be an accountability buddy 
- ask for more - for others
- create a mentor circle 

Food 

A good mix of home made food including idlis and spicy chutneys, protein from abhiruchi and lunch dates at Thyme with Rathan.

Bolivar bagels are amazing and I had them a few times now. Thyme has great Italian food and Rat and I tried a few different foods there. Eggplant parmesan, salmon and salads and a bunch more I forgot. I found the chai we've not been able to make or find , FINALLY! at the love coffee bar there's a Hong Kong latte which I love! 

On a weekend we went to Brentwood market and got a good brunch. This was Ajey's treat for losing a bet and he kept his word by waking up and prepping us to get out of the house one Sunday morning. His karma worked out too well cuz he got to see Alexandra D'addario casually taking a walk and buying some tacos at the same joint we were at. This is our second Hollywood sighting after having ice cream from the place Gerard Butler and his girl friend. Well, LA life :) 

Mar

March :

It is only the 20th and it's already been a weird month. It's been a roller coaster of good and bad. 

I've not done a lot of things I wanted to. I'm not able to focus on study or work because of course I have to manage Zaya.

I've not been as good to Rat as he has been to me. I've given him a very hard time. I find it hard to hear some ridiculous things. I find it challenging to be misconstrued. I have some choices and preferences for Zaya and don't like it being questioned. I find it hard to be aware of what is my normal self but is not normal for others. 

There are cultural differences I am only getting acquainted to. 

On the plus side, I am happy for wordle puzzles to engage my brain even if it is for some time in the day. I'm thankful for things that seemed to go well for as long as it went well. Zaya giggles and is living a happily unaware life so far. It's a constant question what I need to be to be good for her. I cooked and cleaned somewhat.. CA is progressing. Rat got his perm. Friends tolerated me. 

There's a song called 'To be yourself is all that you can do' by audioslave.

For now that's the only truth I know.

Things to do:

Andrew. Tax. 

finish Udacity AWS project, start Spark project.

Yoga class. Self yoga.

Driving 8 days - Saturday and Sunday.

Manage sleep, transitioning off and transitioning in, ask for a gradual ramp up plan

Continue feeding

Lite cooking.

Show patience. be humble.

Delegate / prioritize

car sell / insurance / registration / b2 / return pp supporting docs / salary / india shopping

birthday challenge / gift. 

milk

More gifts : manager sent a walker, Athai's making clothes for Zaya and she has a lot of anklets that she'd sent ahead.

Zaya's grandparents are here. And they brought along gifts :) Rat got his dragonball z , no one like mumma to get her son the perfect gift. And I got some lovely gifts too. Zaya got so many clothes, handmade by her grandma. Kenya loved athai's makeup and they bonded immediately on crochet'ing.

A funny happy thing from last month I think about and laugh.. someone broke into our laundry room and broke the coin drawer.. the flip side is that we could dry clothes by putting the same quarter back in again and again. Idhu Nalla time nu, I got all my pillows washed and dried. Lol. The best word to describe this in Tamil. Alpa sandhosham.

Athai is getting her acrylic colors to paint and has been knitting too. She's young in the fact that she pursues hobbies and likes to do new things and gossip. Last night when Zaya wreaked havoc, her grandma and grandad sang many songs a few of which where daddy mummy and humma humma. They also got their idli game going by getting batter done day 1 and making some nice chutneys.  

I'm thankful for Zaya reviving from fever, me getting back some flow and hopefully back into a reasonable sleep pattern. 

I'm thankful for litigation going in the right direction.

S calls Z sweety pie. I just know she'd make a great aunt. I like that S and D have small fights. To me that's a form of bonding. 

I watched a cover of Bhoomi Bhoomi. I loved that song when it came and some of the lyrics brings a sad resonance to the war that's happening. Manidhan manidhan oru yutha satham. Idhil engey ketkum kuyilin satham. Why is this in the happy section. I just love the progression of the song. The guitar and the voice of course. 

Sunny day. Farmer's market. Mil stories. Pearl necklace. Delicious Idli with sambar. Tamales - surprised how I never tried this in my 10 years here. It's like idli and ukma and vazhakka but steamed in a way that it's tasty even to those who like none of those dishes. Ultimate gossip entertainment. 

Zaya says a singing oooo now and has whole conversations with this. She is still trying to topple. I can't place the emotion I have for her. I love her smiles and her glances and just all her rightful pulling of my hair, and feeding. Her kicks. She can now raise herself if I give her my fingers for support. Yesterday we played with a stick that she tried to aim and hit.  

I am so thankful that Arti Akka was here during Zaya's birth. 

Friends. The comedy. The diversion. The feeling of someone being there. The advice. 

The peace of not having to be someone.

I feel bad that I don't make time to talk to Padma as much as I should be but when I do talk to her it's fun. She has a photograph memory and has locked all the innocence of our childhood life in her beautiful brain that she plays and replays and laughs. Today she was talking about Lavanya's visit to Padma's house and her talking about what a comeback she was going to give .. it was funny .. I have not spoken to Lavanya since 7th but the spirit of Lavanya - Padma has in her lovely brain and brings it back to us. Her innocence and humor and memories are precious.

Last week she sent photos of a beach trip where I look like a boy..  but was happily unaware of how awkward I was and just having a jolly good time.

I am thankful for athai and uncle's presence here, they keep themselves occupied, and make great food for us and take care of Zaya. This is great for Zaya to see and gives me a lot of free time. Now what matters is how I use the time.

Songs. Cool breeze. Scooter time. Ajey's on call week ending. 

A funny Vivek video about playing wordle. Good food. 5 minutes of togetherness. Qfr song. Movement with CA. 

Zaya has moved from mmm, meh, ooos now to something that sounds like a shriek. No idea where she picked it from, but it's funny. She's also trying to topple over. When drinking milk she scratches me to the point of bruises, so now I let her hold my finger, and she keeps moving my finger around like she's shifting gears in a car OR she is rowing a boat.

Jana and Dhivs told me that things happen and then they become normal. I overthink stuff, but just like they said things get better and actually good. I'm thankful when friends tell you what's normal and you then stop overthinking and making things more complicated than it has to be. Allowing things to settle down then makes space for better things.

Home sounds more like a home , with sounds in the kitchen, some TV, some music, conversations. Athai has a very wide range of songs in her collection all the way from old songs to songs that are from my teens and even the recent ones. She's youthful. She likes to try new food, go out a bit, there's liveliness, painting and crochet'ing. 

When you look for good, you mostly get good.

Zaya was drowsy and about to go to sleep. Between sleepiness and wakefulness she turned towards me , felt my face, put her fingers into my mouth, pulled it towards her, gave her 'amazed look' and tired herself to sleep. Sometimes while feeding too, she would unlatch and just look at me and smile. When I call her name she would look and then go coy. I’ve never been one who adored babies, but I guess when it’s my own baby it’s cute. 

I enjoy alone time in the house with Zaya when everyone's out.

Appa did anna dhaanam at a Sai Baba ashram for amma's remembrance day and he's been doing this for years now. I know the kids are annoyed that they have to recite prayers for the departed before every meal, but whoever recites the prayer for the kids to follow does such a good heartwarming prayer.

Rat got his perm approved. 

A pic of Pri in the river looking super happy. She also mentioned there were temples on both banks. Dhivs in her pretty dress and necklace on her birthday. The happiness of feeling your friends' happiness. 

Zaya's vaccination and health checkup that went well. Doc's advice that there are only so many things you can fight. 

Zaya watched her first f1 race with her dad. 

This morning she toppled to her front all by herself. She turned to one side and kept pushing pushing pushing and moving her leg until she toppled over. Biology has done it's miracle again. 

There are things that we can be sad for, but this space is also about focusing on what there is to look forward to. We were lucky to join a daycare without having to be on waitlist. We are lucky to be able to afford it between AJ and I. We are lucky it's a co-working daycare where I'll be with other parents and next to her while I can work. I'm happy I'll be able to drive and get out of the house everyday. I'm glad I have a space to feed her. I'm glad there are caregivers who are experienced and certified with kids who will guide me. She has a place to nap, lot of kids to interact with, toys, story time and music. It's definitely better than what I can provide as a parent and I'm thankful for this possibility. 

D is finally in a place where he is appreciated and getting a lot of kudos.. It reminds me of a story where a boy finds a stone and his dad asks him to go to the scrap store , ask for a rate and come back, and then to a welder, ask a rate and come back and so on, and at each place the worth of the stone increases and the boy is puzzled why his dad asks him to come back. Finally the dad asks him to take it to a diamond merchant and sell it and then gives him the lesson it's not about what you have , it's about where they appreciate what you have. For D, I think after all these hard years he has finally found that place. 

One day of channeling into music and stepping into songs Madhu introduced me and just rediscovering some awesomeness from coke v studio.

I love talking to S. I feel good when I talk to her. Touch wood. 

Zaya's dad calls her champ , buddy and lil soldier. Even though I'm the feminist I found it weird that he chose to call her buddy but he explained they're all gender neutral and that's always good. Good daddy. I continue to call her pattama, chellamma, she and Scooter also share the name bumsundari. 

We went to the Hollywood park, had Thai food, then to the the temple, and a place called marmalade cafe over the weekend. I loved the marmalade cafe in calabasas. Not the food as much as the ambience. It was just nice to be outside without masks. A classic molten lava cake was devoured.  

I’m 34 now. Survived. Cleaned up and laundered which usually gives me some peace but did not have the time to revel in the cleanliness between Zaya's feedings. That was birthday in ist. Birthday in pst was some meetings , sleeplessness, an amazing biriyani that athai was gracious to make, some talking out with Ajey during walking, Arti akka's call , a funny gif. The best part of the day was talking to friends - venting for some part of the day and just being funny another part of the day - just their constant presence. Thankful to WhatsApp for that. 

Zaya babbles :) 

Food 

Anu. Fried rice , paneer, sambar, potato, rasam and okra. peerkanga thovayal, peas pulao, sambar , beans , potato, bagalabath. Black eyed peas kolambu, keerai poriyal, rasam and omelette. puli kolambu and aspargus. 

Rat : brussel sprouts, mutton gravy

Outside : farmer's market kefir was amazing, spicy pepper hummus was great too and we got some tamales and I'm surprised I never had this all of my 10 years here. It was awesome. 

I'm going to use this section to just track AJ and I's discipline in cooking and food we like from outside. AJ's mom is also cooking. I like this where we all take turns.

I liked their egg gravy and chutneys. Deep fried food. Athai made another kind of egg gravy and it was like restaurant food. Brinji and biriyani. 

Worries :

Moving teams. Hoping it works out well for everyone. I am not indispensable, that's for sure but I do hope I leave with the least discomfort. 

team feeling unheard - hoping they reach their deserved place. 

Anxiety because of changing plans and lack of focus and structure.

Obligations. 

Not respecting choices and using the language of fear. The feeling that I don't fit here. The ability to ignore some things but not some other things that are more personal. 

Wondering how big problems can get if things go on a certain way.

Interdependence is wise but independence is simple. 

I am not spending enough time with Scooter. :( He feels lonely when Ajey is out and it would help him if he feels comfortable with me.

I want to spend a lot of good time with Zaya but feel there are too many things mentally that interferes with just having a good time.

What can make these things better? 

- Finding time for yoga and some soothing tunes in the morning maybe when feeding Zaya.

- Finding one hour to study.

- Driving during the weekend by myself.

- Cooking something lite as often as possible.

- Figuring out the transition plan and the ramp up plan and making it interesting for myself. 

- Taking Scooter for one of his walks. 

- Going about my day focusing on the things that work in life. 

- Keeping Zaya well fed and healthy. 

I need someone I can rely on to take care of Zaya to make time for myself. 

I don't want another baby. I don't want to adopt. Zaya will be my only one. Any love I want to show, I will show when the chance arrives to volunteer and build.

Eileen once told me 'Less is more' and I like how she said that. 

I'm aware Ukrainians are moving to a new country with the very little they have. I'm aware Japan is working with US to tackle Korea. China is having a difficult wave of coronavirus now. US can get into a recession. So what does this teach me.. one, to focus on the everyday happiness of this free life that we are living. Two, to plan life knowing things can change. Three, hoping things change soon for the good. 

You are not responsible for everyone. Not everything is fruitful immediately. If you've tried your best, you can move on with peace. Those who have not walked your path have no business judging what you should be doing. 

Was talking to a friend with an 8 year old and she was saying she feels old already. I told her when the kid finishes college mine will be in 8th , so she'll be a vibrant young parent while I'll be complaining of knee pains. While that is true, I also believe it's not so much about the choices we make as it is about what we focus on. If you're the eldest you have most responsibilities but also young grandparents for your children.  If you got a baby later in your life, you are somewhat stable in your career and mostly fully aware of what having a baby means, when you have her. So everything has it's positives, it's really what you focus on. 

I wish energy can be on a better frequency than it is now. ..

Trying to not be yourself so you can keep others comfortable is not a good thing. Trying not to be a bitch is a good thing. Trying to tread lightly because of other people's insecurities.. should not be your problem. Cleaning after others should not be your problem. Your home is your space and  should run in a way you are used to. Where the line is for tolerance is up in the air.

I've spoken about my insecurities, my triggers, my idea about equality between men and women, about my mistakes. They say communication is important in relationships and I wonder how far it will take mine. What I feel in my bones is the need to make time for myself. To keep my happiness on self start. To not give the power to anyone to take it away from me. And of course to see if there's a way I can find to be a wiser person if not a better person.

Feb 2022

Feb summary:

Got some house organization done.

Got a nanny, and started evening strolls with Zaya.

Driving got me confidence and I'm happy

Yoga got me some more understanding about the body and exposure to some amazing human beings with great focus and attention to detail.

Some studying.

simple cooking between AJ and I

h1, pp, appa flight stuff.

Sleeplessness and Zaya. 

Wordle

Main few things: uda, drive, house organization. Yoga. Zaya. Less cooking. Transition.

investments, tax

salary. oci, 

car - insurance / sell

B2 extension. india shopping

Accounts

rtpcr , ePass, air suvidha for Appa

find nanny/baby sitter

frozen milk stash

continue cooking 

soothe / engage Zaya

sleep early, rest at 8.30 so you can sleep at 11. 

stroll with Zaya and Scooter when sun is still here

follow up - pp, oci. photos. h1

read

delegate - 8to11, take on house tasks where you can

work station setup

bed setup after appa, konmari

Check Dheeru throat, appa cataract, Ajey x-ray. 

To do - call edd, study, clean bathroom, maybe lite cooking, laundry load 2 and pillow laundry. Check Ajey on flights , laptop and x-ray. Yoga plan. 

I'm on konmari mode prior to starting work later this month. closet is almost done. did entry cupboard. I could do one small check for documents, gift cards, blankets, kitchen items, zaya provisions, medicine cabinet. cleaning items, verandah stuff,side table, meditation table, library books, photos, media, electronics.

things to keep in mind from book: no solid foods till 6 months, feeding ensures supply, co-sleeping helps supply. need to adapt to the baby's lack of schedule, dim lights, sleep early and get enough sleep,

Happy things : 

Showed appa an elephant safari on the VR headset. He was giving running commentary and was telling us that the elephants are approaching him and spraying water from the pond. I took the opportunity to prank him, ran to the sink and got water to sprinkle on him. For a moment appa was startled wondering aloud and then we let him know. He liked the VR stuff but it was too much for his eyes. 

Rat and I did nothing much for the anniversary as was expected with the baby. But in the night in order to not wake up the baby we were texting each other from the hall to the room like old times. Rat used his funny Bitmojis and it felt lovely . 

We all got our boosters. Zaya got her passport, now she's officially a US citizen. There was an update on our medicals.

Appa left smoking completely for the two months he was here but he did not seem like he wanted to continue it when he is back in India. 

Food is not perfect like in India but I tried my best for appa and it was a great experience. Every time he comes here I am learning to make it a little more better for him. Appa came looking thin. I feel he looks heathier now. Glad I tried.

Zaya is a rich kid with all the gifts her grandad got her. Really, what matters more though is his presence with her. 

Few thousand miles behind does not matter in front of the few miles forward. 

I feel like I’ve gotten closer to Appa this trip. He misses Zaya so much. 

We got Scooter a new bed that is more comfortable and shaped like a den. I love how it looks and Scooter loves it too , he just naturally made it home. 

A simple flavorful lunch of rotis, hummus , guacamole and eggs scrambled with snacking peppers and snap peas, Ajey style. Mango milkshake.

Zaya’s nanny Kenya said Zaya is the calmest kid she’s been with and that’s reflective of parents “like you guys look so calm” lol. I’m thankful for maternity leave and pandemic work from home that has allowed both of us to spend precious time with this lil darling. 

Latest thing she's learnt to do is a brrr that her dad taught her, while she talks in her secret language the word brrr is incorporated in sentences too.

We have started going on strolls and thus starts Zaya's entry to the wide world.

Forget lady gaga. Say hello to lady Zaya in her leopard printed dress. 

There's a teddy sleeping on the crescent moon in our room now, thanks to K7 anna buying that for us from the registry. It's beautiful. 

Gowri's effortlessly amazing covers of a mallu song with swarams, and the kayalvizhiye song - a simple guitar, her high voice so beautifully merging with the depth her base voice offers. me hearing hariharan's harmonies for thaiya thaiya separately. Jana's rendition of kalyana then nila. Deepu's glowing photo. Sneha's video. Pri's pics of green vayals.

It’s mom’s birthday and I was thinking about my life as a mom and this memory of learning maths - sets to be precise - came up. It was one of my most profound memories in mom-daughter space. Mom was initially not willing to sit with me - she said I don’t know about this topic and then I told her ‘Mom I think I understand it , kind of , so I’m sure you will definitely understand it. I want you to sit with me and see if I’m understanding things right.’ So she sat with me, we went through the concepts and example problems where I read and explained to mom I think this is what it means and then we did practice problems and I asked her to check it. She sat patiently and told me I did well. It’s hard to explain why this was a very important memory but I’ll try. First, she had time and patience for me. In other words, love. Second it was a confidence building experience, she trusted I could help her help me. Miss you, ma :) 

Two productive days : 

Cleaned the fridge, counters, sink, feeding parts, got AJ to do trash and laundry, put things in place in all the rooms, new sheets, ran dishwasher, drove, studied and of course fed and soothed the girl. Rat got us a nanny. I also caught up on the sleep I needed. Girl went on her second stroll. 

Going through something similar to nesting ahead of starting work - cleaned up the closet and got a few new shelves and saree bags. 

A few more miles , a little more yoga and a little more studying.

Two days of consciously doing nothing and giving the body some rest. Removing pillow and the resulting better sleep. 

Assembled two closet shelves with Ajey and made the closet a little more breathable. 

Yesterday I heard two songs I liked. One was neela mazhai chaaral by ARR and the other was english note by Madurai Mani Iyer. Neela mazhai chaaral was nice in that in the first part he starts in an almost spiritual place and love arrives and there's a tinge of doubt of how long it will last. Then there's a transition.. there's a storm, the climate changes and he's lost his love, but the weather gets pleasant but his mind is elsewhere. I guess it's just an interesting progression musically. I did wish there were a few more dramatic elements musically when the storm appears but he just chose to keep it very casual, who knows why. Oh and the english note, I mugged up some notes and turns out I did sing the notes right, so that was fun.

When my yoga teacher @ Yahoo left, I had tears and that's when I knew what a good teacher can bring inside you. That was three years back. Now I'm on a platform called myyogateacher and I've been working with a bunch of teachers 1 on 1. Some are more cautious about my c-section, some think I'm ready to go but today's was the best. Some poses look so so simple, but it's only a great teacher who can make even the simple pose so engaging. My teacher today was Sakshi Jain. She helped me use the belt for some great opening exercises and told me how to engage well even for cat and cow poses, and warrior. How to rotate inward and not outward while doing these poses. She showed me how she does it and her body was super aligned. And when the class was over she told me about the breath and how my breath can change my life and my baby's health and when she told that I could feel it came from a place of deep experience, she was so giving. She wanted to give her all even to someone she met for the first time.

I read about the inward tailbone tuck and how it's a wrong move to practice and counteracted it with some squats that let me release my tail instead of tuck it and it worked great for back pain.

I saw a youtube video about a guy laughing in a train and the whole compartment breaking into laughter, it was great. Youtube suggestion brought up another video with a laughing flash mob that tried the same thing on the train and it was okay, not so much of a reaction. I'm happy for the smile both videos brought but also curious what makes that guy's laughter so naturally inviting.

I got to see Tutu’s wedding video. It was a simple wedding with just the two families on the bank of a river in New Zealand. I am impressed by Tutu’s maturity in keeping things so simple. There was rain, the video recording was affected by the rain, but everyone there was calm and held the umbrellas for each other.. and through all that their love for each other showed. They had written their vows for each other, there was a small New Zealand ritual, a few moments for the thaali and exchanging the maalai and then the ring ceremony from Damian’s side. I wish I had her maturity because it felt deeply meaningful to just focus on the most important .. unlike my wedding where I was quite distracted about so many issues where the only real thing that mattered was love and honoring that feeling. 

I was reading a random article about under-the-radar trader joe's items we should try.. and I loved how the article was written by someone who actually loved writing and was not making just another list for clicks. For cinnabon buns he wrote "My anaconda don’t want none unless you got cinnamon buns, hun. " and I smiled :) at his playfulness and the joy of bringing a part of him into the article.

In the brief periods of life where you do your part but don't care about the past or the future, art manifests itself in songs and dance and joy and energy and you feel younger. I love it when it happens.

Zaya can now giggle. She also can hold onto things but once she holds onto something she thinks it is the 'thing' that is holding her and gets angry and screams not knowing how to un-hold, lol.

I'm happy. I got a 'leading' rating on my performance assessment , we did good as a company and that reflected on my bonus and I'm joining a new team and that is also a bump in salary. I'm thankful to life for the opportunities and progress and hope to learn and live a useful person. I had fears about maternity leaves but life for now has turned out different from my fears. Grateful.

Food 

Me : Rasam and potato. Peerkanga and spinach. Thailand sadham. Kurma. Kathrika thokku. lauki dhal. vazhakka poriyal. beans pinto. beans poriyal and keera dhal. Black eyed peas. Kothu paratha. collards and sambar. Keerai dhal. Fried rice. sambar and beetroot poriyal.

Rat : roti and snap pea scramble eggs. snap peas. Soup and airfried potatoes. Mushroom gravy. briyani. potatoes brussel sprouts. Milkshakes and toasts. Amazing chukka.

Shef: We ordered egg curry from Solomon and it was good. Annapurna kaara dosai. Mayura stuff. Southern spice shrimp. paruppu vada. Italian from Rosti Tuscan- chocolate cake , NY cheesecake, eggplant parmigiano, lasagne, linguini. Thai food. Trader Joe's mushroom pasta. Pizza and pasta.

Learning :

Appa 

Appa likes to be with Zaya and it's important for her to spend time with someone she enjoys being with. On the flip side , America can never be India. The climate is not something appa prefers. Food is his only big comfort and so it needs to be perfected. Managing Zaya takes some stamina and appa does great for his age. We will find a balance.

Indian cooking 

I am glad I cooked most days in Dec and jan. I'm glad I experienced tastes I did not in a long time. It reminded me of mom. We included a diverse range of vegetables. There were days when appa liked the food. Ajey pretty much liked everything I made. We were eating fairly freshly cooked food. On the flip side, cooking daily is a tradeoff between quality and efficiency. A lot of oil and salt and rice carbs were included. For the next one month when family is not there, there's an opportunity to flip into something that works for Ajey and me. Less oil and salt. Quinoa instead of rice. Less sugar and coffee? More greens, less starchy veggies. More Ajey cooking, less me cooking. All while keeping outside food limited. I hope this is the month I change gears into finding time for other things. 

Zaya engagement.

There were conflicts in my friends group when I asked how to engage Zaya. Some said cards. Some said nothing is needed - oru mannun venda. Don't make the kid studious :D some said comforting kid is important, some said it's okay to leave the kid to self soothe and be independent. Finally it comes to me what I do - I know I learnt to be independent by being pushed to hard situations but also the memory of mom's love was very important to keep getting better and knowing mom would have wanted me to be my best. I know school was stressful but got easier when I was in charge of myself later. I know a good early education focused on communication, reading and moral building was helpful to set standards for myself even when I detracked many times. I know protection is important as much as is the freedom to talk about anything. So for Zaya, I will give her the nutrition she needs, the comfort she wants by being near, when I can I'll leave her to her imagination with toys, I'll have a few things around that interests her through the day. Her grandparents are important for her. I need to find books to read to her. I need to be in a community where she can find friends. Music. 

Appa says I have a big ego that I have to control. Ajey says I need to check my tone and it can comes off as harsh. Both are good feedback and I will need more awareness to change these traits (where applicable lol) 

Apa wants me to not argue on topics that are purely on ego basis. He wants me to think about whether an argument is useful to me any way before I argue and not just start it to satiate the ego. 

Psychology today - the crux of a few articles . Assume positive intent. Boundaries don’t apply to just personal data on social media. It also applies to what you expose about mental health. There is no such thing as self care in relationships. There is only relative self care. 

Few more miles. Better to be slow and sure than quick. That means slowing down , paying attention, building focus. 

Cleaning and organizing :

Pros:

- place looks clutter free and usable.

- everything has a place. there will be no time spent looking for things.

- things that are old can get thrown. new stuff put in place. we know what we need to buy.

- general cleanliness and hygiene.

- we are more inclined to use things that are hidden away when we clean places and remember we have these things.

- we may buy less when we know how much we have and actually use.

- reminds us to get chores done that can stay forever forgotten.

Cons:

- there is no end to perfecting organizing things, it can get borderline OCD.

- it could be a way to procrastinate other things that need to be prioritized.

- perfection could get in the way of respecting people who are not so perfect. 

Bottomline - It's a good habit, but maybe it should be enforced once a month and not an obsession. If there is something more pressing it should be prioritized ahead.

Momma thoughts

Being a mother is a complex feeling for me. It’s something I’ve always felt would complete the void in me. Somehow I always thought everything I missed in losing mom I would gain by being the mother of a daughter. I wanted a girl and I got a girl. I’m thankful but to really hold a living breathing child in my arms and not knowing exactly what kind of mom I will turn out to be brings a fear. Before the baby arrived it’s easy to have a lot of ideals like she will be her own person and I will give her everything she needs, I will not have any expectations of her and from her. There are some things that still hold true. Both Ajey and I want to be self sufficient as older folks and not be in her way in any way. We want to support her life so she can have her freedom and focus on her goals. We want her to be Independent and smart and give her backup until she is about 22. I want to be someone she looks up to and that means someone she trusts , someone she can communicate with, someone who can give her guidance. I want her to be a feminist and that means always knowing that man and woman are equal partners. I don’t want her to be corrupted by any stupid Indian concepts or even sometimes world concepts that stereotype women. If she naturally takes to art and so called feminine traits so be it, but I want her to know whatever she takes up she will never give space for disrespect. She will question any custom that is backward and not participate in it. I would like her to find purpose in life. Now comes the other side. The fears and challenges. To raise a feminist means I need to be a feminist myself. But I’m at a phase where I am considering balance between being a feminist and being polite. Choosing between a 0 and 1 was easy but the world keeps telling me to find that 0.5 - these concepts like ignoring backward ideas and hypocrites, choosing battles, tolerating stuff etc. I previously enjoyed the liberation of clarity and the freedom of not giving a fuck. Growing up confuses that clarity. The second thing I’m worried about is her career choices. I want her to explore careers like a free human. I see a lot of people in America who keep switching what they study before they complete it and end up in different careers. Some of them enjoy that but there are a lot of people that don’t end up any place solid. I want her to build focus on anything she picks. I want her to learn skill but also the business side of things. If she is an artist I want her to know about taking things into her own hands, about marketing, about money. I want her to be badass whatever she picks. My fear here is that I don’t want to impress upon her my paths. And my fear is also not wanting her to be mediocre and the pressure that might entail and the doubts one may have about ‘harmless’ mediocrity. My third and fourth fears are attachment and  detachment. I don’t want to be too attached - okay I’m lying. I want to be her best person. I want her to feel like we’re team. I want that attachment to be healthy. I want to protect her but allow her to do her own things and make her own mistakes and give her space when she needs it. I want to have goals for myself that keep me focused on progress when I have to give space to ‘mom’. Detachment - I worry I might not know how to love her. I know practically what she needs - feeding , financial support etc. but emotionally I don’t want to feel like an imposter. Someone who does mommy things. She’s just a baby and she looks at me sometimes like she knows me and believes in me and it puts a smile on my face. The rest of the time though, I wonder if she will always give me that confidence… If I’ll live up to holding that (currently baseless) trust. 

Navigating the future: 

I’m happy that in my current stage of life, I have navigated my past fairly decently, except in cases where my boundaries are disturbed. And that’s good enough. 

But lately I’ve been pulled by dreams for the future. I have too many dreams for the future and it’s beyond me and it’s possible that it can overwhelm my life. I want a big house. I want a debt less secure life. I want to be a feminist that always pays her part and can never allow to depend even when it can be a wise thing to do. I want to learn yoga. I want to learn some dances. I want to learn some songs. I want to do things with Zaya. I want to drive. I want a well organized home. I want the discipline of home cooked food. I wanted to have dad near. I want to travel. I want to learn tech real well. I want to dabble in managerial work and entrepreneurship. I want a garden. Sustainability. be a good mom. Friends. Foster home. PR. Obviously I’m asking too much of myself. 

I need to throw a lot of garbage out of my head and focus on what the present needs. The present needs sleep, it needs yoga, meditation, body strength. It needs time to rest and recover. It needs nutrition. It needs patience with Zaya. It needs me time. It needs a lighter head. It needs to shed some ego and learn to smile more. Learn to love more. It needs to learn to live within means. It needs happy walks. I will be joining work and a new team. It needs flexibility to transition back. I would love to go to classes and be taken care of. I would love to not be with Zaya all the time and still trust that she is fine and taken care of.

My dreams are lead by fear of not having. They are lead by ego. They are lead by fear of not being higher and ... higher is a word that’s always just a little higher - Always. 

The counter measure to fear is of course - rest, focus on the good in life, focus on all the things that are going right in life. 

So here goes a small step towards that. Yes I need rest, and I can take it and the phase will pass to a place where I will have strength in my body and I will have the ability to take care of myself like I have in the past. There is enough , much more than I needed 10 years back and yet there is a fear of lacking. I have citizenship in my country - India , I can always go back and focus on the good things in that country if I need to. The whole world is ours to explore, there does not have to be a bigger house that is never going to be big enough to go after. What we need is sunlight, clean air, warmth, a place to sleep. Warmth of someone to share life with. Yes the world has sadness, it’s future has challenges.. but life is only what we feel now , only what we see now. I have the ability to surrender and embrace what could be just sweet being. 

Evil in the world 

After a while avoiding dark documentaries I recently watched two on Netflix. It's scary what the world can be. Checking child offenders list online was shocking , just how many there are and how close they can be. I am scared about how to protect this little one, about how to educate her about evil. The other side of all that was to be deeply thankful for this little bubble with basic problems and stresses , a place that's safe and loving. A place I can trust, believe, be honest, be heard and accepted.