Mar

March :

It is only the 20th and it's already been a weird month. It's been a roller coaster of good and bad. 

I've not done a lot of things I wanted to. I'm not able to focus on study or work because of course I have to manage Zaya.

I've not been as good to Rat as he has been to me. I've given him a very hard time. I find it hard to hear some ridiculous things. I find it challenging to be misconstrued. I have some choices and preferences for Zaya and don't like it being questioned. I find it hard to be aware of what is my normal self but is not normal for others. 

There are cultural differences I am only getting acquainted to. 

On the plus side, I am happy for wordle puzzles to engage my brain even if it is for some time in the day. I'm thankful for things that seemed to go well for as long as it went well. Zaya giggles and is living a happily unaware life so far. It's a constant question what I need to be to be good for her. I cooked and cleaned somewhat.. CA is progressing. Rat got his perm. Friends tolerated me. 

There's a song called 'To be yourself is all that you can do' by audioslave.

For now that's the only truth I know.

Things to do:

Andrew. Tax. 

finish Udacity AWS project, start Spark project.

Yoga class. Self yoga.

Driving 8 days - Saturday and Sunday.

Manage sleep, transitioning off and transitioning in, ask for a gradual ramp up plan

Continue feeding

Lite cooking.

Show patience. be humble.

Delegate / prioritize

car sell / insurance / registration / b2 / return pp supporting docs / salary / india shopping

birthday challenge / gift. 

milk

More gifts : manager sent a walker, Athai's making clothes for Zaya and she has a lot of anklets that she'd sent ahead.

Zaya's grandparents are here. And they brought along gifts :) Rat got his dragonball z , no one like mumma to get her son the perfect gift. And I got some lovely gifts too. Zaya got so many clothes, handmade by her grandma. Kenya loved athai's makeup and they bonded immediately on crochet'ing.

A funny happy thing from last month I think about and laugh.. someone broke into our laundry room and broke the coin drawer.. the flip side is that we could dry clothes by putting the same quarter back in again and again. Idhu Nalla time nu, I got all my pillows washed and dried. Lol. The best word to describe this in Tamil. Alpa sandhosham.

Athai is getting her acrylic colors to paint and has been knitting too. She's young in the fact that she pursues hobbies and likes to do new things and gossip. Last night when Zaya wreaked havoc, her grandma and grandad sang many songs a few of which where daddy mummy and humma humma. They also got their idli game going by getting batter done day 1 and making some nice chutneys.  

I'm thankful for Zaya reviving from fever, me getting back some flow and hopefully back into a reasonable sleep pattern. 

I'm thankful for litigation going in the right direction.

S calls Z sweety pie. I just know she'd make a great aunt. I like that S and D have small fights. To me that's a form of bonding. 

I watched a cover of Bhoomi Bhoomi. I loved that song when it came and some of the lyrics brings a sad resonance to the war that's happening. Manidhan manidhan oru yutha satham. Idhil engey ketkum kuyilin satham. Why is this in the happy section. I just love the progression of the song. The guitar and the voice of course. 

Sunny day. Farmer's market. Mil stories. Pearl necklace. Delicious Idli with sambar. Tamales - surprised how I never tried this in my 10 years here. It's like idli and ukma and vazhakka but steamed in a way that it's tasty even to those who like none of those dishes. Ultimate gossip entertainment. 

Zaya says a singing oooo now and has whole conversations with this. She is still trying to topple. I can't place the emotion I have for her. I love her smiles and her glances and just all her rightful pulling of my hair, and feeding. Her kicks. She can now raise herself if I give her my fingers for support. Yesterday we played with a stick that she tried to aim and hit.  

I am so thankful that Arti Akka was here during Zaya's birth. 

Friends. The comedy. The diversion. The feeling of someone being there. The advice. 

The peace of not having to be someone.

I feel bad that I don't make time to talk to Padma as much as I should be but when I do talk to her it's fun. She has a photograph memory and has locked all the innocence of our childhood life in her beautiful brain that she plays and replays and laughs. Today she was talking about Lavanya's visit to Padma's house and her talking about what a comeback she was going to give .. it was funny .. I have not spoken to Lavanya since 7th but the spirit of Lavanya - Padma has in her lovely brain and brings it back to us. Her innocence and humor and memories are precious.

Last week she sent photos of a beach trip where I look like a boy..  but was happily unaware of how awkward I was and just having a jolly good time.

I am thankful for athai and uncle's presence here, they keep themselves occupied, and make great food for us and take care of Zaya. This is great for Zaya to see and gives me a lot of free time. Now what matters is how I use the time.

Songs. Cool breeze. Scooter time. Ajey's on call week ending. 

A funny Vivek video about playing wordle. Good food. 5 minutes of togetherness. Qfr song. Movement with CA. 

Zaya has moved from mmm, meh, ooos now to something that sounds like a shriek. No idea where she picked it from, but it's funny. She's also trying to topple over. When drinking milk she scratches me to the point of bruises, so now I let her hold my finger, and she keeps moving my finger around like she's shifting gears in a car OR she is rowing a boat.

Jana and Dhivs told me that things happen and then they become normal. I overthink stuff, but just like they said things get better and actually good. I'm thankful when friends tell you what's normal and you then stop overthinking and making things more complicated than it has to be. Allowing things to settle down then makes space for better things.

Home sounds more like a home , with sounds in the kitchen, some TV, some music, conversations. Athai has a very wide range of songs in her collection all the way from old songs to songs that are from my teens and even the recent ones. She's youthful. She likes to try new food, go out a bit, there's liveliness, painting and crochet'ing. 

When you look for good, you mostly get good.

Zaya was drowsy and about to go to sleep. Between sleepiness and wakefulness she turned towards me , felt my face, put her fingers into my mouth, pulled it towards her, gave her 'amazed look' and tired herself to sleep. Sometimes while feeding too, she would unlatch and just look at me and smile. When I call her name she would look and then go coy. I’ve never been one who adored babies, but I guess when it’s my own baby it’s cute. 

I enjoy alone time in the house with Zaya when everyone's out.

Appa did anna dhaanam at a Sai Baba ashram for amma's remembrance day and he's been doing this for years now. I know the kids are annoyed that they have to recite prayers for the departed before every meal, but whoever recites the prayer for the kids to follow does such a good heartwarming prayer.

Rat got his perm approved. 

A pic of Pri in the river looking super happy. She also mentioned there were temples on both banks. Dhivs in her pretty dress and necklace on her birthday. The happiness of feeling your friends' happiness. 

Zaya's vaccination and health checkup that went well. Doc's advice that there are only so many things you can fight. 

Zaya watched her first f1 race with her dad. 

This morning she toppled to her front all by herself. She turned to one side and kept pushing pushing pushing and moving her leg until she toppled over. Biology has done it's miracle again. 

There are things that we can be sad for, but this space is also about focusing on what there is to look forward to. We were lucky to join a daycare without having to be on waitlist. We are lucky to be able to afford it between AJ and I. We are lucky it's a co-working daycare where I'll be with other parents and next to her while I can work. I'm happy I'll be able to drive and get out of the house everyday. I'm glad I have a space to feed her. I'm glad there are caregivers who are experienced and certified with kids who will guide me. She has a place to nap, lot of kids to interact with, toys, story time and music. It's definitely better than what I can provide as a parent and I'm thankful for this possibility. 

D is finally in a place where he is appreciated and getting a lot of kudos.. It reminds me of a story where a boy finds a stone and his dad asks him to go to the scrap store , ask for a rate and come back, and then to a welder, ask a rate and come back and so on, and at each place the worth of the stone increases and the boy is puzzled why his dad asks him to come back. Finally the dad asks him to take it to a diamond merchant and sell it and then gives him the lesson it's not about what you have , it's about where they appreciate what you have. For D, I think after all these hard years he has finally found that place. 

One day of channeling into music and stepping into songs Madhu introduced me and just rediscovering some awesomeness from coke v studio.

I love talking to S. I feel good when I talk to her. Touch wood. 

Zaya's dad calls her champ , buddy and lil soldier. Even though I'm the feminist I found it weird that he chose to call her buddy but he explained they're all gender neutral and that's always good. Good daddy. I continue to call her pattama, chellamma, she and Scooter also share the name bumsundari. 

We went to the Hollywood park, had Thai food, then to the the temple, and a place called marmalade cafe over the weekend. I loved the marmalade cafe in calabasas. Not the food as much as the ambience. It was just nice to be outside without masks. A classic molten lava cake was devoured.  

I’m 34 now. Survived. Cleaned up and laundered which usually gives me some peace but did not have the time to revel in the cleanliness between Zaya's feedings. That was birthday in ist. Birthday in pst was some meetings , sleeplessness, an amazing biriyani that athai was gracious to make, some talking out with Ajey during walking, Arti akka's call , a funny gif. The best part of the day was talking to friends - venting for some part of the day and just being funny another part of the day - just their constant presence. Thankful to WhatsApp for that. 

Zaya babbles :) 

Food 

Anu. Fried rice , paneer, sambar, potato, rasam and okra. peerkanga thovayal, peas pulao, sambar , beans , potato, bagalabath. Black eyed peas kolambu, keerai poriyal, rasam and omelette. puli kolambu and aspargus. 

Rat : brussel sprouts, mutton gravy

Outside : farmer's market kefir was amazing, spicy pepper hummus was great too and we got some tamales and I'm surprised I never had this all of my 10 years here. It was awesome. 

I'm going to use this section to just track AJ and I's discipline in cooking and food we like from outside. AJ's mom is also cooking. I like this where we all take turns.

I liked their egg gravy and chutneys. Deep fried food. Athai made another kind of egg gravy and it was like restaurant food. Brinji and biriyani. 

Worries :

Moving teams. Hoping it works out well for everyone. I am not indispensable, that's for sure but I do hope I leave with the least discomfort. 

team feeling unheard - hoping they reach their deserved place. 

Anxiety because of changing plans and lack of focus and structure.

Obligations. 

Not respecting choices and using the language of fear. The feeling that I don't fit here. The ability to ignore some things but not some other things that are more personal. 

Wondering how big problems can get if things go on a certain way.

Interdependence is wise but independence is simple. 

I am not spending enough time with Scooter. :( He feels lonely when Ajey is out and it would help him if he feels comfortable with me.

I want to spend a lot of good time with Zaya but feel there are too many things mentally that interferes with just having a good time.

What can make these things better? 

- Finding time for yoga and some soothing tunes in the morning maybe when feeding Zaya.

- Finding one hour to study.

- Driving during the weekend by myself.

- Cooking something lite as often as possible.

- Figuring out the transition plan and the ramp up plan and making it interesting for myself. 

- Taking Scooter for one of his walks. 

- Going about my day focusing on the things that work in life. 

- Keeping Zaya well fed and healthy. 

I need someone I can rely on to take care of Zaya to make time for myself. 

I don't want another baby. I don't want to adopt. Zaya will be my only one. Any love I want to show, I will show when the chance arrives to volunteer and build.

Eileen once told me 'Less is more' and I like how she said that. 

I'm aware Ukrainians are moving to a new country with the very little they have. I'm aware Japan is working with US to tackle Korea. China is having a difficult wave of coronavirus now. US can get into a recession. So what does this teach me.. one, to focus on the everyday happiness of this free life that we are living. Two, to plan life knowing things can change. Three, hoping things change soon for the good. 

You are not responsible for everyone. Not everything is fruitful immediately. If you've tried your best, you can move on with peace. Those who have not walked your path have no business judging what you should be doing. 

Was talking to a friend with an 8 year old and she was saying she feels old already. I told her when the kid finishes college mine will be in 8th , so she'll be a vibrant young parent while I'll be complaining of knee pains. While that is true, I also believe it's not so much about the choices we make as it is about what we focus on. If you're the eldest you have most responsibilities but also young grandparents for your children.  If you got a baby later in your life, you are somewhat stable in your career and mostly fully aware of what having a baby means, when you have her. So everything has it's positives, it's really what you focus on. 

I wish energy can be on a better frequency than it is now. ..

Trying to not be yourself so you can keep others comfortable is not a good thing. Trying not to be a bitch is a good thing. Trying to tread lightly because of other people's insecurities.. should not be your problem. Cleaning after others should not be your problem. Your home is your space and  should run in a way you are used to. Where the line is for tolerance is up in the air.

I've spoken about my insecurities, my triggers, my idea about equality between men and women, about my mistakes. They say communication is important in relationships and I wonder how far it will take mine. What I feel in my bones is the need to make time for myself. To keep my happiness on self start. To not give the power to anyone to take it away from me. And of course to see if there's a way I can find to be a wiser person if not a better person.