Happy things :
A productive Saturday: cooked, dishwasher, gave Zaya a warm bath, spent a good amount of time singing and reading to her. Washed her toys. Rat helped with trash, grocery and laundry. All this in spite of some nonsense social media.
We got Kenya to look after Zaya so we could go see Vikram.. it was over hyped movie but I guess a good trial to see how Zaya does without us for long. She's so calm with me that I had no idea what a little monster she can be to others. Kenya had back pain cuz Z cried the minute she put her down. Thankful for Kenya who was nice enough to come over. She's got a full time job as a account manager and does not do babysitting and was just nice because it was us. :)
My new doc is super professional and sweet. She reminded me to set my eye and dentist appointment and got all my questions answered patiently.
After a year of being on non veg food, my stats are all better than they were even before my pregnancy! I moved from anemia to elevated iron now(which is a whole new problem). I also have to get more vitamin d in. Time to fast again - get back to vegetarianism and weed out a few more things.
Did I already say this.. the daycare folks thought I'd be a good person to join them :D that's how involved I'm with Zaya. I'm the only mom doing this and I feel proud about myself that I spend time with the little one at a time in her life when she enjoys being with me. I get to sing songs to her and read books and the best part is I only do this thrice through my work day, before I start work , during lunch and the end of the day. It does not interfere with my productivity at work as much as I had initially feared.
Appa renovated his house and it looks nice.
Appa's new neighbor works for CBI in the cyber crime department and I'm so excited to meet this person sometime. Appa told me he wanted to move on from this role and Rat said he read a reddit on how most folks in cyber crime and anything that involves spending time on hard-to-see images eventually want to move on for sake of mental bandwidth.
This neighbor also helped appa find a person who makes furniture to order.
Great news from D. :) A good year for him
Also, His student got first place in a tournament
Some random analysis I took proved useful to find some suspicious behavior.
I took some time in between the day to go for a walk. No scooter , Zaya or Ajey. Just me like back in yahoo office days. :) It was pleasant weather and was nice to take a new route and find new things to do around her day care.
Took a day off after a night of anxiety. Tried to sleep in which Zaya did not really allow. Got cake for lunch - random but Rat hinted pastries so that's what we did. Then I got a great massage from Tina at Hoop Massage. It was only 30 mins but felt great. I think masseuses are the perfect examples of professionalism. They make every minute of their service count and heal people from aches and pains.
Rat does a lot of everyday things like breakfast, picked my medicines, makes puree, drives us around. I on my side mainly just feed the baby day and night. Outside of that, some work, some random day of puree and cooking, dishwashing. I like to keep it equal but many days I do feel a fatigue OR I'm just holding Zaya.
We're finally making the purees a little more diverse , so Zaya gets : apple, banana, cereal, pears, butternut squash, sweet potato, egg, broccolli, carrot, dhal, avacado
The song : Un elephant
Swetha and Swetha's mom :) they sent me kanji for Zaya and aunty also sent kanji for me. She generously said "You're also like a daughter to me da" and I melted for a while.
Another weekend that was almost perfect until it was not! We made kothu paratha for breakfast, went to the beach and I spent some time in the water, we did laundry, trash, dishwasher, grocery, putting things away. Made chicken briyani and mutton paya (from gowri and gowri and it was aweeesome especially with dosa ) for the last non veg dishes I'm going to have till I go to India next. Gave Zaya a warm bath.
Bolthouse carrot juice is the perfectest summer drink.
And the mango milkshakes that Rat makes. Yummy.
Arguments and temper are not good. Making up again and again may not be healthy either. but there's a certain happiness to making up after a tough day - to feel like a team again , to give ourselves another chance.
I had a dream where I got a fancy magazine that I could pull things out of. I got a few stitched saree blouses and a huge platforms type footwear that was funky looking (yes, all out of a book - those kind of things can happen in dreams) and somehow I was super happy in the dream.
Got Rat to taste arepas.
I spoke over the video call with some of my favorite people. Log. Lavs. Arti ka. Briefly with Alu, Dhivs & Gows.
Avanti's beautiful ballet like dance :) All the kids doing hoola hoops.
Another weekend of getting things done. It's just Sat afternoon and we got some things done - broomed the house, trash, laundry, hair wash, cooking, dishwasher, Scooter walks, counters got cleansed, her toys got washed. cleaned and ran Shark. Weekends are never perfect, there's always something that does not fit the narrative I want to have - more of that in the sadness section. But in the spirit of ending on a positive note, it's a long weekend for me, and there's still good times to be seized.
Few more things to do for the long weekend - grocery, Zaya health, quarters, Zaya / Scooter bath, mop, clean her seats. Maybe work. Maybe read. Maybe watch something and drown out time.
Booked a 🧘♂️ class at Santa Monica Yoga. :) Got the benefits of stretching and clearing the mind. I wasn't the best , I have weak knees but that's not the point. The point is I tried and it helped :) and got sore.
Had egg briyani, slept better. Lol.
Finally went on mint. only that is the good news. How we spent last year was bad news. It almost looked American - our spending - paycheck to paycheck - a lot was spent on food.
Made dosa batter.
Looking at kids enjoying their sliding pool for summer camp.
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Audio books, MS advice, Z sleep, Z botttle, classes? stock education. time management @ daycare.
Thoughts:
I was having a debate with two people on the same topic - Johnny amber. One had a healthy argument and the other went on as if 'feminism' is a bad word and hit below the belt. It's sad how these things can turn out. There's lot of good relationships that can be had, but drama is always best avoided.
When you’re an adult it’s not easy to get along with a lot of people and that’s actually a good thing. You’ve grown so much to learn a thing or two about what you won't tolerate.
I watched 'Love on the spectrum' and there were some moments of pure love there that was very touching. It opened up my eyes to what autism can look like and what it might feel like. It feels like there's always some obsessive hobby, an inclination to know a lot of trivia, some expectations of perfection - they have an ideal partner in mind and keep doubting themselves or doubting if their partner is the right person. They decide impulsively. They so badly want 'normal' - what others have - someone that would care for them. In some ways all of us could be somewhat autistic. All so called "normal" humans do so much for fitting in, for attention, we also have things we are particular about, and sometimes we also feel socially awkward with new people that we just want to leave and go back to our own place. All this may happen to autistic people in a larger scale. They may not know how to judge people and may trust everyone.
When you feel sadness or frustration, sure you can look for a solution, but really, immediately all you want is to be heard.
Sometimes things get explained to me that I already know about. I try to keep humble and just listen through it in the hope that in between all that I get some nuggets of useful info.
As a mom you've got to be stubborn about what you want for your child but also talk about it in a way that gets things done.
Sadness / worries:
I saw a YouTube video about a lady that recently came out about abuse from her pastor who even officiated her wedding. The man just said he had a confession to make in front of the whole church and that he was inappropriate and it was 20 years back. He said it in a tone that felt like it did not maatter if it happened 20 years back. And a whole hall of people applauded him as if he did something honorable. It was disgusting. The fact that this POS cunningly acted like a protector in public and abused a 16 year old. Thankfully, right after this happened she went up the stage and set the narrative right. She called him out exactly what he did. My fear about the world is that whole hall of people that disgustingly clap without a conscience. The accomplices of ignorance. The people that don't like to question what is really wrong and like to live in denial in a way that suits their limited arrangement in their brain.
Another thing I was sad about was a colleague in San Jose whose house was invaded for a robbery, who had to go to the bank to draw money while his son was held hostage, and when his wife returned he was held at gunpoint. Thankfully the brave wife was attentive, honked the horns hard and called the police. They managed to steal for a whole two hours but left without physical harm. How can this world become a better place for everyone?
The night I saw both of these news I had anxiety. I spoke in a friends' group about it - was not the best decision. I wanted to talk to someone about it but felt no one really had the space or time for it. I did not want to open up to someone and end up feeling unheard anyway.
Zaya sometimes cries in her sleep and this may sound strange but I always feel she cries when I'm particularly worried about something. This month it's been like 4 such days. :(
Unsustainable. This is the word that's been hanging on top of my head. It's eating at all that it takes to sustain. And it's probably true. There are things that are unsustainable. Polite condescendence. Loud questioning. This word dropped into my life at a point when it felt like things were going pretty well but since then everything is questionable. There are days when I'm myself and questioning if even that needs to be questioned. There are days when I'm my other self and I can see how I'm not the 'right' person. It's sometimes hard to decide what going forward means. At some point all of us will grow, whatever direction it might be.
A terrible night - half with anxiety and half with Zaya breaking my back. Poor girl has congestion again.
One of those days where you feel the lack and allow yourself to feel it. The stock market, the lack of a settle plan, the lack of money for the big dreams, the lack of continuous sleep, the lack of time to spend as a couple, and if we did make time - the inability to do anything because of one of us having to hold Zaya, the lack of feeling like you're heard. The bright side is of course things can always be worse, we are both employed, Work is a great escape - a place where I can sharpen my skills and feel good. I am able to take care of Zaya, and we're progressing in some way in our lives. There are ways to move from lack to contentment - partly mentally and partly by working hard.
The necessity to feel heard. The practicality of being closed.
When you're not heard, your options are to let the frustration out, to communicate about it, and the third hard one is to bury it within yourself. The third lonely choice leads to distance.
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