Feb and mar

 Non sympathy version

I had a sad post. This is the version that's edited.

Sympathy and sadness are a general waste of time even in my own personal space so deleting it in due time sounds fair

Career:

It's been an intense 2 months at work where I did incredible work managing things way beyond my scope.

The good thing is my confidence in my abilities has increased but the bad thing is the Kruger effect makes me aware of how much more I need to learn and also the other bad thing is the ROI - the fact that I could just be a work horse and credit is often given to those who do high visibility things.

Life : 

I've not had much of a choice in life but to roll along.

I've learnt there is no real point in thinking or discussing these things - they just go to a point of meaninglessness. I try and stop myself when these thoughts arise but of course, they don't fully go away.

Stronger than I'd like to be:

I am in the edge of burnout. I do 100 things that go unnoticed and have to keep going to do the next 100 things in the list. 

The only partner I have is Ajey. I don't know if he appreciates just how much I'm giving myself but I guess I also relate to the fact that he too has been balancing home duties and work and sometimes it almost feels like he does not think it's a big deal that my every waking minute is filled with something to chase.

The bright side :

Knowing how bad things have been in the past, knowing how much worse others in the world have it, it's important to look at the blessings. There are places where I have advantages 

- a brother who pushed me to be independent and realize my potential so I never have to depend on others.

- education that helped me learn

- the risks that paid off

- a career

- a partner that is helpful , liberal and open-minded about possibilities and pivots

- people that have been kind even when I feel like I've forgotten what it is to be kind.

Maternity : 

I have ambitious plans for maternity but I have to understand that it's not easy. I'm trying to balance learning skills with maternity and also red tape and moving to a new country and health. It can be a lot.

Health has been good.

Finances :

doula/ hospital services / iron / nanny / shipping / flights / food / new cars - a lot of money has been drained.

The right reframe is money has been used to get help from people that choose to care as just their way of being.

Z: 

Z is cute, she worries when I have some pregnancy pains. She asks if she can help me.

She keeps saying 'Love you momma" every day in the most precious way.

She has been trained in cleaning. Somedays are great, but she still makes a lot of mess.

She is eating better and taking supplements now that we get food from shef and I can use the time to feed her.

If she sleeps in time, that would be a big achievement but things have been regressive in this dept.

She's funny, goofy, loves to sing and dance. 

She loves her time playing with dad and she lights up when she talks to a sisters aka her cousins from Texas.

She's doing good at school. Math has been good for her. She absorbs quickly.

She romanticizes me and Rat and talks about our marriage in the future that she has plans. I secretly feel great when she does this - I feel like no one but her has been excited for this and I would not mind another wedding - this time in a way that makes me feel special and not like an organizer - like there is one more person who is happy to celebrate me and my wedding outside me - and that is Zaya.

She also looks at movies and blushes when she sees girls like boys and gives a sheepish smile. she was watching jurassic park and assumed the guy who unbuttoned himself in the heat of the forest did so only because he is a 'boyfriend' interested in a girl. Woaw.

People:

people are nice. I saw Lilly singh's convocation video and she talked about community.

I am focused so much on work I don't have much time with people

And even with the people that I do spend time with, my question always gets to - so what is in this for them - what are they trying to get out of this - there usually seems to be something and so I try not to put myself in a place where someone can ask me or make me feel like I am indebted.

Rat, thankfully does not expect something and he just steps in whenever he is able to just by his natural way of being and he is one of a kind in my life - I lucked out on him.

Ironically it's also true that I feel like he could treat me sometimes like a woman that needs to be treated special, not just a strong woman who is capable of things.

I do feel I do more than most women do but it surprises me how no one notices how much I do and are nice enough to say that to me.

Cleaning / Organization

So much has been done here and there's always so much left to do.

What I want for the rest of this year is 

- some sense of stability in my career plans and growth

- a lot of education, books

- driving

- move to Canada 

- red tape

- help from nanny

- health , sleep, movement

- people who I can get along with who get along with me. friends

- fun things

- strength in thoughts , great distractions

What I want in the next few years

- career exploration / reaching potential and reward

- stability

- navigating sickness

- housing

- financial security

- people / community / rituals / contribution - balance

- a plan for Appa - a plan that will involve sacrifice, grit, learning, hopefully wonderful moments of love and moving with some form of fulfilment

- a plan for Appa and a plan for my kids

- cycling and parks and friends

- Rat and his parents finding their way.

Zaya keeps playing this song from tangles on her rapunzel doll that has an inbuilt speaker. The song is 'fog has lifted' I never really paid attention to the song but suddenly now I had the urge to go find the lyrics and even felt like the melody was wonderful and it feels like a song I should be singing when I figure out life beyond career and fears and stability - when I learn again what it is to sit on the grass at night and just enjoy skylines and be views and people and be more human

But here's some good stuff

I got a nice bonus for DTO work

I've been sleeping and napping a lot and relaxing.

It's been a little weird to not be wondering what's next to do - but yea there are things to do and I am still able to pace it without worrying about all the things there is to do.

There is this huge sense of wanting to control, narrate and find validation through all the changes , like there is something to prove that all this is right but I think we may find meaning through all this. 

There is also this feeling like there is more to adapt to outside of our own decisions.. some differences I just don't seem to grow out of.. but things that are important in view of being a partner. How this will roll out in the future I have no clue.. 

So much more change is all I see to make all the change that we've already been through make sense