Dear Zaya and Rian and Rat too ( if any of you are reading )
So much has happened this year. So much is happening - in my head and in life. I thought I'll share some of it with you guys.
There was a big blog I had when I was a kid and I deleted it at some point thinking that part of life was either over-described or irrelevant or hid the dark truths or whatever. Anyway, I now think stories have value even if they are half truths. We are a combination of all the people(stories) we've met and all the art we've seen - and downfalls and successes and imperfections all tell us something about all the ways one can live and that's valuable. It comes down to us what stories we choose to keep and what stories we choose to evolve out of. There are so many beautiful moments in life and yet our mind fixates on the parts of our lives where we lost something. It sometimes feel unsurvivable - the hard parts, but there's something about facing things as they are. We learn to use our mind to our favor. We get wise at the stories we choose to tell ourselves. We accept the world is imperfect and still choose to seek what makes the future meaningful.
Also, every version of what we become looks at the same life and says the same story differently.
A snapshot of what I want you to know about my life , as Ananya from 2026.
A lovely family. An imperfect family asking little ones to be disciplined, shouting, not the most graceful, just parents trying to survive parenthood. Hated parts of it when I was a kid and yet my mom has been gone for 26 years now and I still wish there was a way I could connect to her. My father made some of the worst mistakes and yet atleast from a distance I choose to see him for all the things he has done for me - for choosing to give me a good education and giving me my eventual freedom.
I only know the beauty of an imperfect family at 38 - when I see my own imperfectness and still see the meaning and strength the right partner can give and the purpose our children, however hard we or they may be, bring.
Getting help from others. I am not the most kind or helpful person I know, but there are few things I know about seeking help. Your responsibilities are your responsibilities. Partners need loyalty , work for the family together and respect. Your children need to be cared for by you. Every time you decide to trust another person on your responsibility you have to question it - who is this other person? are they capable to help you? are they safe to help your children? What we pass from one generation to another is the love, care, protection , discipline and values. When we put space between us and our family and entrust someone else to pass these, we cause a vulnerability, a threat.
In the name of help, people exploit. In the name of love, people control.
This is not to say that you cannot seek help or learn to be helpful. Knowing who to trust , when and for how long and knowing exactly what they are seeking to exchange through helping you is important.
It's beautiful if you can help someone purely because you think you can make a difference in their life, and it does not cause you too much pain, and you don't seek credit , thanks or even remembrance. You just feel happy you gave where is mattered and only you need to know. I am not the most humble person but I do think it's beautiful and possible to help someone and move on with just a happy feeling.
Outside of help there are also transactions, and that is good and wise to have too. Sometimes in life we are helpless and giving someone something they need for something we need in return is wise. Do it with respect. Seek it from a person that most needs what you are trading for. Always remember even in transactions , people are humans.
What's love - We define love as seekers and sometimes as givers. My brother and I have the most differences in values and his tough love was important in making me work more hard than I wanted to so I can stand on my own legs. This was stressful but in time his love seems to have created the ripple effect that took me in the right direction for a long time.
The love from your dad was one in shared values about using critical thinking and seeing things beyond what the society labels someone or something as. But beyond that it was sticking together and standing up for each other. Your dad enforced that I don't share space with anyone who has shown disrespect and this , atleast in my world , is a surprisingly rare form of love. We valued honesty more than perfection. He has seen past my flaws but I have also shown him my deepest failures without having to hide who I was.
In tricky situations where you have felt love from someone but also disrespect or dishonesty or just behaviors or associations that are questionable, it's perfectly alright to step away and look ungrateful . it's also fully okay to move on from people who have shown you love in life at some point but you feel bad or uncomfortable about how you feel amidst them, now.
Life is full of imperfections but you must always seek what keeps you in love or purpose.
Ambition and Money is a fuel. It's easy to say people are not ambitious, but most of us are a product of luck and privilege and so it's very important to do whatever it takes with or without the privilege you have to stand on your own feet. Standing on your own feet won't look like freedom, it is a lot more hard work than depending on someone else, but it gives you the most important freedom. The freedom to move if something is not working out.
If you have a very big purpose, and some people do have that, they even give up relationships so they can focus on it. You may or may not choose to have big purposes. Living this life to the fullest without harming others is a perfectly good ambition. But I do feel at some point it makes sense to have variety in purpose and one of those purposes can be parenting. It's a purpose that sometimes removes every other purpose and identity in your life. It closes several stories you only half-wrote forever but relationships and family can be meaningful in spite of how much you sacrifice and give towards it. Relationships can be a burden sometimes, but they are also a safe haven most times when nothing holds constant. The beauty of relationships is going past these burdens, misunderstandings and still finding companionship. Sometimes the companionship is fully gone , then it's time to leave, but sometimes the companionship just does not have the space because of some fully consuming misfortunes - when there is hope for companionship and the stresses are because of current stresses, it's wise to hang on - it's hard to see the beauty of long term relationships when you are already in one - but it can be what makes life worthwhile, with respect and honesty.
No relationship is perfect all the time, sometimes you heal the wounds and see the big picture.
Make a drama when someone is doing something wrong to you. Try to be swift in moving out of places of disrespect. Sometimes the brain takes time , forgive yourself, but when you have to make a drama, make it and move on.
Have distractions, healthy habits, good friends, routines and rituals. With religion and culture, don't get in too deep but definitely associate with it for the sober parts of it, the story it's trying to say or just the festivals and foods and excuses to have fun. Don't waste your time pondering about deep questions like who created us, why are we here , what is God, what happens to people - it's good to accept we will never know and good to decide not to waste time seeking these things. We are here to experience life and make the best of it, sometimes by surviving, sometimes by thriving and hopefully by creating community and love for the time we have - that's all life is. Whatever comes naturally to you - that gives you joy and maybe some others too without causing harm - that is all your purpose is - and you can keep changing purpose and direction when you have explored something enough with discipline and interest.
Sleeplessness can make you insane. Perfection, high expectations, juggling too many things can, too. Take care of your health, be flexible with phases that seem to go nowhere. When everything in the world is gone bad, focus on three things - movement, sleep, nutrition and seek that one fringe friend you don't have to trauma vent to, but maybe you can just say nothing and go for a walk with. Check hormones and stuff, but exercising , managing stress and having the right people around can turn around most things.
Death and disease happens. There's nothing we can question about it, it's sad, but that should also remind you what to focus on while you have the chance to live - when all's going to go into the cycle of ending and beginning, make sure you live while you are here - smile, make friends, love, care. When in grief, take some time to cry, then seek help, then move on. Don't rely on quick fixes and medicines. Life is hard and things take time. Focus on the few things that work and do it even with 0 emotion, again and again.
Momma loves you and loving you means wanting you to focus on what works, moving towards peace, happiness. Not spiritual BS and yogis and moksha shit, but just being a good person when you can and being okay being imperfect without hurting others too much. Love is what we give, love is what we try to give, and after one leaves however short or long that time is, it lives through the love you(my close ones) choose to give yourself first and hopefully to others too.
Snapshot of November.
2 months in Canada. It's been great. We have alleviated some of the biggest stresses in our life - immigration by taking the right opp at the right time. Public schooling, government subsidies on child care are all wonderful to have! We have some savings.
My desires were big - to have education funds, a business, big houses but we have both worked hard for long and I'm losing motherhood and even myself to a career , so this is a time where I am thankful for where we've come so far and I want to take a pause and pivot to bringing meaning back to life - to be more Ananya, more mom, more purposeful, more social , more fun etc.
Also AI and corporate greed and layoffs is changing the economy. With the immigration we have now and the money we have now, we have already changed the course of our future to a peaceful direction based on the choices and data we have now. I am not going to work too hard and make everything easy and available for you. Money has been powerful and independence still matters, but I will use the next few years to get street smart, have a roof on our head and re-define what I can do going forward.
We are renting a beautiful big house, with a great view, through choicy windows, looking at a pretty skyline and backyard, and have way more space than we need. My heart feels happy about this, something close to arrived. There's still a few things to do, but moving to Canada has been such a timely peaceful choice. Rian is turning on his tummy but not crawling, he is flipping both ways. Zaya, you , in spite of my terriblly rude reactions to your tantrums have been exclamating the day with sweet 'Mom, I love you!' and this is all so beautfiul You have not even gone to grade 1 and you, Harshita and Holly are talking about boys kissing after watching'Best of the Best'. It's cute - FOR NOW.
To get to more peace and security, we will downsize to a house that's right for us financially and in space. We have to get Rian's PR, and in 4 years hope we can get the citizenship. Everything from the last 15 years will feel fruitful when this happens - it will give me assurance that I have opened a door of stability for you and open the door for me to dream with more freedom.
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