Sep 2023

It's the 20th of September - what happened?

- 2 weeks of down time - 1 week at least because of mental health.

- did some necessarily uncomfortable communication

- dug some extra information that proved useful to understand a problem, though was again tiring.

- did not exercise as much as I wanted to, that's okay - I still did my first full lap which is great.

- had some petty thinking issues - let people do what they do - you think about what is truly meaningful for you whether or not others find meaning in it and stick to it. build your discipline in being your best self. try to get out of habits that waste your time.

- find routines that help you do more useful things.

- I did not cook or clean or even do Z duties properly for 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll get back and focus on it, and I give myself grace for doing my best.

- about religion - I feel it can be distracting from real life, it can be a good way to celebrate life , it could even be helpful in giving some ideas with real life. no need to have hard and fast rules about things - just do what's meaningful and participate with a sense of curiosity when an opp arises. don't dig too much either.

- for the next week, I'm looking forward to this mindfulness course that I came across, maybe a little more lap swimming. volunteering opportunities. 

- I also want to build focus to cook, regain focus at work, do Z stuff, e visa, start packing etc.

- i also want to do a literature survey on kid safety books

Exercise : Swim + Gym + Cycle/jiu jitsu, Rat exercise / shuffle / inversions

Work : AWS + UA + eureka learning + looker + tickets

Z - bath + brush + potty + weaning / sleep

Cooking and cleaning

Accounts and improvements

India trip / evisa

Iob / Airtel 

Z - read + school research + activity research

masterclass last class

book tickets - bay + bay + India + CA + appa

CA planning - pr + list making + customs exempt shopping + pet policy

check out Stoner park pool + Z activities

roth rollover, 529

OCI

S rover credits

music / dance

Drive 

5 hours of volunteering

Study : Data Science + skillsboost - looker , AI

Study2 : investment / finance / economy

Sep 3 - zoo

Sep 17 - tar pits

Sep 29 - Dheeru birthday

masterclass subscription

subscriptions: netflix / masterclass subscriptions / barnes and nobles / f1 / prime / ymca

Z education

housing + nymble + composter

Rat and I saving transfers

konmari - photos

- profile to maintain: visualization / AWS data engineer / data analyst / manager  / ad fraud space

- profile to build: search / data science techniques / graph

Daily 

1 - chai. Basic work. Date @ Margot = great time for talking and conversation, food was ok. Period. Blue zones on Netflix. A small argument at night about parents. 

2. Impulsive India ticket. Walks. Grocery shopping.

Mayura sadhya. 

3. Cook, zoo / Biswarup. Portos. Burbank park.

4. Malibu park

5. Work UA/topN. Cook. Walk. Z. 

6. Ticket. 

7. UA/ top n, opera , asn. Z Bath

8. Fixes. 

9. Swim. Chitchat. yoga. annapoorna, shoes

10. laundry/dish - AJ, basic cleaning, cooking, sleeep, 10K walk @ Pier.

11. Bad sleep, basic work, sleep, skipped swimming, set up projector.

12. checking chennai things. talking trauma. distracted by social media handles and their well meaning scams.

13. Another day of trauma talk. Work. Wasted time on a friend who got me into an MLM call. Was generally feeling hopeless about a world where human decency is not everyone's value. It's been three continuous days of stress and trauma. It will pass. 

14. 

15. watched 2 movies - come as you are and captain fantastic. cooked

16. costco. annapurna. argument about canceled plans. thoughts about several topics in the world and studying psychology/journalism/philosophy. 0 sleep. new angle on an old problem.

17. tried to catch up on sleep.

18. off day - bad mental health day hopefully for a necessary cause.

19. 

20.

21. 

22. a better day. 3 volunteering events.  Bee hive for migratory bees. A tree planting projects. And dog walking and packing food.

23. swim

24. 

25. some work, some disturbance from other's problems.. trying to judge the problem or how much it should or should not affect them. D - wishing I can help him.

26. what mindfulness cannot solve, sometimes a conversation may help with.

27. 

Who cares? Lol

Happiness

Good chai. Rainy day. Z insisting momma and dad sit on a raised area in a sidewalk and just chill and so we did like 3 close friends just taking in the great air, chatting silly for a while and not thinking about what task to get to next. It was good :) 

It's weird when you feel depressed. You wonder why you are depressed and you come up with reasonable ideas - it's a good process because you know which areas of your life can be improved. But after a point even plans don't seem to relieve the sadness. So what am I happy about. After a few days of depression I got my period and I'm so happy that I am able to explain my depression away.

Improvement with Z brush and bathing which seemed impossible few weeks back.

We went to the zoo. Biswarup joined us. I made great briyani but was too spicy for him.  But AJ and I loved it. The zoo was good - it was a lot of walking = exercise. I loved seeing how beautifully the seal swam. Z got to see flamingoes, elephant, tapir, monkeys, tiger, peacock, otters, frog, polka dot sting ray, fish, tortoise - the animals were obviously bored in captivation. We were glad we could see them. 

Then we went to this beautiful park in Burbank. It was amazing so we just saw it and started back. A feeling left to be tasted another day.

Portos - amaaazing food. Potato balls were great. croissant was okay. Tres leches - we've had way better tres leches. the benitos were amazing - the hazelnut ones were awesome, but the dulche de leches was awesomer. Rat had a yuzu lemonade which was great. the guava strudel was okay, but the guava rose cake was the best dessert I've had in a long long time.

Z says 'S(h)it Down' .... it's cute :)

Chitchat after a long time. Awesome spicy sauces and burrito. Warm sun after a swim. 

I watched this show called blue zones on Netflix. It was a little bit of a life changing series. I can't talk bad about the country I am at.. I've learnt and loved so much here but the series did show me there's more meaningful things to desire. Singapore was beautiful. Remote lands of barbagia was beautiful. The concept of living close to our parents was beautiful. The ability of older people. The happiness of connection. The purpose , ikigai. The simplicity of life's daily activities and their importance. The preparation of food. The variety and type of food. The attitude of survival.

After 3 days of stress I'm thankful for sleep. It's been 3 days of not being able to focus on work, exercise, gurl, home and mental health. But I'm really glad that despite everything I can block it all off and go to sleep. Of course girl has been taking milk and been clingy it's just that mentally I've been disconnected. 

I am a pseudo believer of horoscope. Pseudo believer of a higher power. When horoscope tells you exactly what you've been feeling after you feel it, somehow you feel a relief. I felt some hard emotions and information about evil after a very long time and was not able to focus on the good. Horoscope said you will have bad energies come towards you - try to manage it and turn it into good.

Pondicherry mother said hostile forces will attack wherever and whenever they can - do not react and do not admit them. These are both timely signs and I love it when I hear something random say exactly what I feel about. 

I also learnt something about my mother. I always felt she had some sadness that I never knew about. I still don't know her full story. But I know part of her puzzle. About her mother. About her childhood and trauma and the normalization of toxic things. I felt sad for her. Most of my life I felt that if she had been around I would have been more protected, but now suddenly I felt that if she was around, I could have given a ear to her troubles - I wondered if she has ever spoken about her struggles to anyone.

I wanted a sign that she was here to know that I am there for her and she is close to me. Who knows what's true. I asked for butterfly, humming bird or bees. I went to the verandah, no one appeared - then left to take scooter for a walk, forgot about it. Right after I entered my gate a butterfly flew straight towards me and I said hey thanks and it flew away. That was yesterday. This morning, I went to the verandah to check on my beautiful seedlings and out of nowhere for the first time I saw a butterfly in my verandah. Who cares what I'm supposed to believe and what is rational. I want more of these signs. I'd like a hen named Ali that Amma had as a kid. I'd like anything that can take me closer to her presence. I want to know her soul is at peace.

Pigeon. Bird. pigeon. all in new places - there's this theory that when you start looking for something you just see it a lot more because of heightened awareness. 

Ar Rahman. Cool breezy walks. Kollaiyila thinnai veithu. 

Z taking a crayon and pretending she is applying make-up on me. Z loves earrings and necklaces and all those girly things - or maybe it's all babies - but I love it - I don't think I took much interest in these things but somehow I'm excited for Z.

Z saying 'I love you' out of the blue and lighting up my day when I most needed it.

Walks, husband, personal mental strength, little happiness - some rocks to hold on to when mental health takes a dip.

My first full lap. With the help of this super cheerful girl who's name even I don't know.

Dosa kal. For a while AJ and I were wondering why she keeps saying this until we realized it was 'draw a circle'. 

We were crossing the road and Scooter was pulling me out of the lane. The car that has to cross patiently waited and I was looking at the driver who was giggling at Scooter, she saw me pulled the window down and laughed so loud. I love women that can laugh at silly things. 

Zaya's little hands holding on to me at night - being mom.

Moth has been outside the door for two days now. 

I saw some old photos. I saw mom smiling. It was comforting to see that. It was good to know that what I once wondered is now answered. It looked like she was bitter sometimes but really it was the best she ever had. But her body gave up - she had unhealed wounds. She is probably at a better place now. 

Dogs.

first time encouraging someone else to meditate. getting guidance on how to guide someone.

So many things Zaya does, I don't know how she learns. Her dad made food for her and she said 'Thank yee .... Dada" it was a moment :)

Dada got Z a Scooter. It brought out the child in me for sure. It's been fun trying to play with it in the apartment. 

Two songs for Amma on my mind. Chinna that aval. And 'if tomorrow never comes'. Lots of signs that I'd like to believe are from mom. Wishful thinking or magic, who cares? I love you, mama. 

Food

Anu : veg briyani, egg masala, cauliflower rice, 

AJ : sandwiches

Outside : Margot , mayura, Portos

Lots of food was made and shat that was not listed here. 

Thoughts.

Psychology:

Sibling relationships - why one child with extra needs makes another kid feel alienated. Why some kids are made to grow up fast. Gender based treatment in children

How differently boys and girls respond to trauma. 

attachment wounds

boundaries - pursuer / distancer

rejection sensitive dysphoria

Karma as a concept can be interpreted in conflicting ways. When we offload the responsibility we have in correcting something to karma, we give away our responsibility - and that to me is worrisome. The other thing is karma can be interpreted as revenge. And revenge can be harmful in two ways. It traps a person in bad feelings for far longer than they have to be trapped. Revenge is not removing harm, it's repeating harm. What is better than karma is doing whatever needs to be done that is in our hands and within our abilities to stop further harm towards ourselves and towards others and then walking forward with the peace that you tried your best. 

Simple things can upset us and reveal important insights into our life. When we are upset it's easy to give in and react. What I'm thankful for is the maturity to give space to the situation and analyse what inside me is causing me to be upset and we can find honesty, which can't be bad, right? 

And I find lots of areas of growth:

- why do you think of what others do as vanity? Why do you want to think that what you do is somehow better to what someone else does? Why do you think that they are lead by an illusionary success and somehow your version of success is more meaningful?

- why do you get irked by compliments one gives to another, why does it make you feel small, invisible? Why do you care about being visible? 

- why do you hold yourself so rigidly away from things that don't seem to be your priority but you constantly tell yourself that if it was your priority you'd be great. Are you missing doing things? 

- are you content in your bubble, are you scared to face the world of judgement when you step outside this bubble?

- is your self worth fragile that it can be swayed by jealousy.

- do you constantly need to tell someone what you did to feel seen. And is feeling seen your best way to feel good about yourself? 

- you feel engaged when you are by yourself doing things you set forth for yourself. Why does this engagement have to be translated into words for others? 

How do I go back to my place of peace when I'm upset? 

- listen, step away, don't react, don't respond, just take the privilege of understanding where your thoughts come from - just like you did now.

- let everyone be happy. Let everyone shine their best self. There's nothing for you to judge about why someone is something or someone has something. It's about time you realize you have finite time left and it's best spent finding your own gifts, moments, building what you have the abilities to and finding happiness - happiness that's enough even if only you know about it. Find that spark , make it shine... 

Watched 2 movies - come as you are - a movie about disabled kids and how they feel like they are missing out on experiences - about their sense of independence and discovery that many do not think about.

the other is a movie called Captain Fantastic who brings up his child in a hippie way without knowledge of the real world - they know to hunt, they read books and are hyper aware of the world's philosophies, they are allowed to discuss freely about anything - there isn't any age appropriation. They can sing. they have high IQs but they also have rigid rules and 0 exposure to the normal un-opinionated world.  In many ways, they have a wonderful life, but also shielded. The father realizes his mistake in bringing them in a certain way and has a hard time letting them integrate into normal society. 

Watching blue zones on Netflix was very very insightful. It made me think a lot about how we take decisions in our lives and about American life. 

It made me realize the responsibility we have towards our parents. About the simple movement based life. It made me realize how America is missing a lot and yet has sold and convinced to so many that this is a good life. After 12 years of being here you realize there is a big drug problem, a homelessness problem, divided families, racism, broken immigration system, innovation in tech which is basically phones, laptops, content in the name of connect. Gun violence. Politics that is not based on policy, but based on power plays. An unfair immigration system. It can also be a lonely place.

Is any other country better, we don't know but we do know having community is important, having a good environment is good, having value based politics is good, having more trust and less fear, having more certainty is important. 

Obviously there are things that brought us to this country and there are things that made us hope - and there are lots of things about this country that we still don't know fully about. So there are good things - there is good leadership in corporate America that is able to treat employees fairly and get productivity out of them. There is less politics and more room and freedom to dream , plan and do things instead of sitting with office politics. It feels less competitive and more meaningful. Team realtionships are actually good for my mental health. Corporate tech companies have a nice healthy progress. Monetarily it makes sense. So this bubble I'm in feels profitable to me even though expenses feel high.