Jan

Summary:

Jan Summary:

Jan was a month of trying many things, many learning curves that each take its own time to settle down, adding to that some unexpected line of thoughts.

What went great was cooking 

What was managed well was time with Zaya

What was started and need time perfecting 

    - Career : - AWS, analysis

    - Exercise : yoga @ home, yogasix, YMCA, swim, surf

    - Driving 

    - Reading

    - looking out @ the economy

What was sad was :

    - layoffs

    - fights

    - Z and S - sick

- Got familiar with AWS bit saturated about some parts, calmed down on tickets with some resolution

- Progressed with DIA book, but saturated with some parts

- Progressed with cooking, was frustrated - finding a schedule with AJ involving and also trying meal planning

- got on onepass - doing a combo of onepass and Sushmitha's class. yogasix. got free access to YMCA till Feb 2nd so we can check it out.

- Realized weekends can get saturated if it is also about getting things done, and feeling the need to get out and take breaks. drive. beach

- Scooter walks , Z - tried reading and playing some days, still feeding, spoon feeding and managing sleep

- 1 adventure

- Pongal, MLK, message of a master book. 

- thankfully not laid off , economy has some things for the waiters now. 250/3K. The layoffs are causing headaches but things will get fine.

- EQ - not great

Expectation

Energy : exercise

Focus : work

Cooking : efficiency and consistency

Drive , nature

Learning and focus : book 

Zaya time : more conscious, more intentional.

CA. Vacation planning. Videos. 

Happy things: 

Finally found the perfect mix for the most amazingly soft idlis after seeing a YouTube channel where they used javvarisi in the idli mix. It's just amazing! 

And we got to host Rohit and Pankuri today. And made idlis inspite of AJ thinking they'd not prefer it. Turned out, they were happy eating home food :) Pankhuri was super cool with Zaya and Scooter. 

It's Jan 3, back to work, I get time again to focus on something productive and build back. It's easy to hate oneself and our job when we are not focused, but work is a blessing for the structure it offers and the training for focus it provides to our daily lives.

The focus can always be on the things we control: like my job, my health, my engagement and contribution, my exploration of good things in life. And control in my emotions and control in my expectations from others. On the things that I can't control - let the people responsible for it go through the brunt of their bad choices. It's better I keep focused on things that work.

The bliss of fresh winter morning air, enabled by Scooter's walks.

I would like to resolve problematic memories, and I had the privilege of venting out some of my old regretful memories around anniversaries to Madhu while she patiently gave me an ear. Not only does she listen , she also bounces it on the practical experience . advice of how to deal with things that are hard to get over, for the sake of a better going-forward path. 

I get free shipping from nearby stores and free access to some nearby gyms as part of this year's employee benefits. These are both great options to have. Thankful.

booked 1 online yoga with om practice(6th), 1 in person yoga using onepass @ yogasix(7th at 11am). one online with yogaworks on 11th. have access to WFHY. this has democratized exercise for me. I'm going crazy. Got to calm down and bring structure.

ompractice was with a group of old quirky people with a lot of space to experiment and was super good to realize how much stress I had locked inside to release. 

booked a surf lesson!

got the CA middle class tax refund for staying here in 2020. 

AJ made poha for breakfast, egg sandwich for lunch, last night some frankie style with leftovers and we tried our hands at meal prep our very first time. We did not do meal prep per se. We just went through a couple of freezable gravy recipes on youtube and made one base , we bought air tight containers, made an egg gravy from the base and froze the rest of the base. It's a start. It's efficient - everything goes through the food processor - onions, tomatoes. Ginger garlic paste was made, and two meals prep work was pushed into one. It did take a lot of time to cook but I think once we get past the learning curve and get comfortable it will get more efficient.

When AJ and I hug, Zaya comes near and starts crying. We lift her up and give her a group hug. She does this funny thing where she pushes dada away from mama so she can have mama all to herself. Makes me crack up :D

I had a huge list of things to do on Saturday and I felt so off because Saturday went off without either enjoying or gettings things done. We cooked but that was it. Sunday, again went like this and the feeling started to set in , so about 3.30 we went to the beach, took a long walk, went to the mall, I tried sweet pea burger and hibiscus chiller at Arbis, Rat tried a brazilian combo meal, and we also got a rice dog with mozzarella in it ( don't recommend this). It was good to be out, get some energy out , the chilliness was easier than I remember to get used to. One thing I realized was that weekends have to have down time, we need to get out , do something and calm down so we can feel refreshed for the week.

Watched glass onion - AJ type movie but we both enjoyed it :D on a stressful thursday after Z came back and we were not able to focus on work or at the kitchen(meal prep FTW), I was also not focused when I had time to do so. There's a scene about words used freely which was funny.

Yogasix new year yoga turned out to be free. It was lovely sunny day , outdoors with a 100 yoga folks, quite fast paced but surprisingly not tiring. Beautiful clouds, green grass, lovely feels, poses where we bent down and saw the beautiful syncronity of upside down world, couples holding hands during theater restful savasana. I felt the soreness the next day and it was all worth it.

Missed a class with yoga works because of conflict with AWS.

Continuing with Sushmitha as planned till march in spite of the free classes I get here. Today was a lot about breath practice and it was amazing how the breath is like a pillar of gravity for posture. I've always heard yoga teachers say inhale downward dog exhale upward dog but today was magic because I was just breathing awesome and instantly knew when the inhale let's the body get to a pose and when the exhale lets me get out of a pose. Sushmitha is a very different teacher, if you sue your brain you'd say you just did 5 poses, but if you allow her to guide you, she introduces you to the depth of what yoga can do for you. I love her style. 

Zaya recently climbed into scooters bed very closely and curved into one corner. Scooter who has been squarely ignoring both his dome beds has suddenly started reusing it just out of pure territorial feelings. The girl has been so mischievous. It's amusing and amazing how a baby learns this naughty slyness. She suddenly gives her angel smile when she gets caught glaring like a deer in traffic lights. She knows her techniques.

She loves to listen to music ,she loves to dance, she likes jewels and bindis. She likes all the girly things but she also clings like a monkey sliding down a tree when we put her down on the floor :D

A few days of better sleep after a few days of challenging sleep. A few days of Zaya eating really well after a few worrisome days. Instead of using the long weekend to screw up our sleep schedule we spent it getting to bed somewhat decently and getting in enough rest. Pongal and sambar were great too :) 

Spoke to Padma and she is thinking about the possibility of getting work. It will help her be occupied and have structure to her day. I pray she finds a good one. 

not laid off so far.

yoga attempt + advanced class + don't like heated rooms : driving attempt + uber : waking up : AJ skipped breakfast + Zaya restless. 

Failing = Trying. 

Solution : take yoga mat + hoodie + get there early + drive a few times by yourself + figure commute options / tap card + take gentler classes. 

Zaya my chubby bubby makes me feel all sorts of feelings. A relationship like none other. 

Pizza / brownies day - and happy 

Collin Katz and Ajey being on board.

Dheeru having his routine in place. I trust he knows how to bounce back. 

We signed up for collin and katz and I signed up for swim

Brandon Tsay at the Alhambra shooting. keto ice. ymca cardio classes. Z bubbles. Getting sick Scooter boy the help he needs.

Had scheduled a surfing class planned it early in the month when the economy was not so bad. Did it today, it was inviting me to understand my limits and hopefully break it. It's quite a overwhelming class for someone who does not even know how to swim and there were several times I wanted to give up. I guess I'm going to take a moment to appreciate the fact that I signed up and did not give up during the many chances I had and the one big excuse that I lost my lens in the middle of the ocean. So many fears - these huge ocean waves bigger than me, my discomfort being under the waves, the fear of falling down incorrectly or getting up to get smashed by the board, the inability to carry the board, the inability to walk against or lean into the waves, the wave hitting the board, the board hitting me and taking me away, the inability to rise up during the moment I had to. Of the about 7 times I tried I barely surfed once that too in a very seated position. You have four positions , get on the board and when the wave arrives you go from a chaturanga to a downward dog to a squat with your hands out like a surfer. The front of the board raises you, the back of the is the break. You keep all your poses aligned to the center of the board. This is just the gyan. Of course when I'm out in the ocean the brain is kinda paralyzed but we just kept trying. That thought - jump into the ocean and learn to swim - literally doing it was something. It was good to try but definitely a challenge to explore further. 

Yoga today was good. It reminded me that it's more important to get consistently better at one thing than try and do it here and there and start afresh. It also told me it's better to do learn one practice than do many exciting things.

Discussing surfing with family. 

A new day, a new neighborhood. We packed food so we don't end up eating outside and the last house we went to had food from Porto's. We were pretty hungry and were waiting to get back to our food in the car. They asked us to pack some desserts cuz we were the last visiting and take it. We sat in the car , finished our packed food and had the desserts and it felt like a nice reward at the end of a busy day.

first salad happiness

Rat's day at the gym

Learning:

Victor Cheng: 1) Don’t just set outcome goals, set process goals.

2) When faced with two bad decisions one of which has to be decided on, don't procrastinate or go into denial. Take the less worse one and move on.

I learn better by trying and reading more than attending classes where a lot of unfamiliar information is given in a short time. Also, it is better I learn at my own pace when I have pauses, enough sleep etc.

Kapowui surfer

When he gave instructions here are the lessons my philosophical brain tuned into:

If you look down you will fall down. Look at where you are going and keep your eye fixed. 

When you fall , fall freely . When you get back up don't panic. Relax , protect your head with your hands and get back up. 

Soft white underbelly

I generally don't like to fall into YouTube bait of suggestions but landed on this channel named soft white underbelly to see two videos - one about an Asian gang person and another about a lady who was trafficked. The first one was quite fascinating, I try not to listen to other's religious preachy stories but it was intriguing to see that religion can offer techniques for a person to become better. The one skill that can save the world and everyone in it is learning about emotional regulation. The way a pastor made that happen - and the way the gang guy, someone who went to correctional facility at 12 and then to many other prisons - was able to articulate that he was wrongly trusting himself too much even more than he was trusting something bigger than him -  is a huge step. We all want to emotionally regulate so we can fit in a society that's able to live with each other. 

I always think that we all start off pure and then we get corrupted but what was intriguing was the thought the pastor offered this guy - that we are all born sinners and we have to go to the core of it all to see how to trust someone better than us to live a life that's peaceful. 

When the gang guy explained it by giving an example of how his 6 year old would flush veggies when no one is watching and steal gummy bears.. I could relate to the fact that kids know to be sneaky even before they are taught by someone to be so. 

But extrapolating that fact to link it to how the evilest of people turn out may suggest how early intervention and disciplining may play a big role.

This other thought was even more intriguing - that of apologizing to someone who you think should be apologizing to you. This was very challenging to understand - his family was dysfunctional - his dad was alcoholic and abusive and instead of blaming everything on him , the pastor suggested he go apologize to him. It turned out for the better for both the dad and son. But it was hard to understand 

The other story - that of this 11 yo girl that came from a family of teen moms kept running away and finding all the wrong people and eventually ending up being sex trafficked and escaping and is still figuring out life. What was most learnt from this story is how naivety is dangerous and how sex trafficking is more often a conditioning / grooming process rather than someone being kidnapped and that it happens very casually and sometimes in places like Detroit the officials know and still won't take action and how hopeless life can be for a woman who has to see one after the other that there's probably no one she can trust. Another thing you see is everyone craves for love and acceptance. You also see that people who have been in such a place for a long time can't easily put their worth outside something out of their body. Their body is still their primary identity and still possibly their primary means to earn. Only fans gives her the space to keep her safe and warm with what she knows and practice consent from a comfortable place. This girl still needs healing and I hope she finds that space.

Chanda Kochar

 A woman CEO noted because of her popularity as times 50 women, Padma Bhushan who was caught in fraud for signing a loan to a parent company whose sister company was sold to her husband later. Her husband initially claimed how can he a Harvard alumnus stay at home when ICICI is probably associated with every company he can ever work with and be a conflict of interest. This is probably a weak line of defense and fraud was probably quantitatively proved. Beneath the accolades and popularity a person can get , the true mark of character can be missing. The axis bank CEO who quit after working in ICICI for many years right after chanda was appointed CEO seems to be sleeping peacefully after silently solid achievements. Or am I just gossiping here? 

Thoughts :

doing things well. cooking and getting better at job - both challenging places - where I put most of my energy. why not just do them mediocrely is a slightly thought that lingers. Cooking needs discipline, cooking for appa needs a lot more standard, but why not keep it simple and efficient. And why not keep it fair? 

listening to some hindi songs, and admitting to AJ that these songs make me feel like I'm in love but with someone imaginary. It felt like admitting on cheating , but funny thing, he agreed that's how it made him feel too. Lol.

saraswathi puja is celebrated as vasant panchami in January and during navrathri as well. It's an occasion to think about what she symbolizes. She is a woman of peaceful charm, she symbolizes ganga which is purifier ,  a woman well learnt and purifies by way of her well chosen words, a woman great at the arts adept at the veena. She holds a book in one hand. She exudes positivity. 

there are mudras held and slokas recited.

some of the saraswathi songs I know are saraswathi devi daya pari

and yaakundedu 

She also has a peacock by her side and sits on a lotus. She is given many avatars as is the norm in Hinduism. there are things that don't make sense to me, and I'll focus on what makes sense to me and that is this woman who radiated beauty by how she carried herself. basant pancchami is also the start of the spring and it ends in holi. 

Food :

Rat preps Z's lunchbox most days. Makes himself samwiches. 

idly and peerkanga thogaiyal

idly, dosa - repeat

sambar and mushroom

carrot brocolli stir fry

idly batter

pulao 

meal prep masala - AJnI

egg ccurry (mp) - AJnI

dhal

plantain

egg sandwiches - lots of em, every once in a while- AJ

celery chutney - surprisingly yummy

cauliflower - AJ

yam fry - AJnI

looked at a cherry crumble recipe for leftover cherries, followed them incorrectly and mixed the cherries with the mix

pattani masala (mp)

:D https://www.hummusapien.com/healthy-cherry-crisp/ 

Ragi idlis from batter we made from ragi seeds.

Bad sathumaavu idlis

Yam kolambu

Pongal, vada, sambar

Ragi dosas.

meal prep 2 - me

chciken rasam - Rat

spinach thokku - me

asparagus - Rat

rice, chapathi, idly, bread repeat -Rat

kollu idli batter - me

Potato murungakka fry. 

Meal prep meal maker shahi

manga sambar

mushroom gravy - Rat

baked brocolli - Rat

quinoa idli batter - me (works good as dosa batter, not so much for idli)

dosas

gose pattani poriyal

chards thokku

Experimental kothu idli

Fried rice

Methi Malai mutter with meal prep masala - used yogurt instead of cream, curdled

Pinto beans thoran

Mango pico de gallo

Outside: 

Briyani 

Pizza and brownies.

Thai fried rice, roti and turmeric coconut curry. Soft shell crab.

Chinese egg rice and chicken 

Croissant * 3 - Aj

Kachori chaat + sweets

Farmers market food 

Coffee

Porto's desserts food for free - guava strudel and a hazelnut besito.

Sad stuff :

The holidays have been about some terrible movies that are living rent free in my head, bad social media along with good social media, some recurring anger and recurring situations around drawing boundaries and being prioritized and treated right. It was also a little slack in sleep and eating habits. Also sharing parts of myself that I'm not exactly always comfortable sharing. As always I got to get back in alignment. 

I don't know if I have to feel guilty about feeling good that Zaya goes to daycare so much. Everything else in life gets place when she has someone else to depend on. When she is with us, we are not at our best in caring for her. She is her hilarious energetic self. We glue to the phone while she explores the world that is her home, plops herself on to me every half hour , gets milk n is back to what she does. 

i regressed into old behaviors filled with anger, comparison, expectation and pointing faults. Meal prep and delegating work in the kitchen fairly makes it a little better.

This morning was hard. Zaya did not sleep well and therefore my arms were sacrificed. Zaya woke up crying at the top of her voice. We both had to leave home by 8.30 - AJ had to be at the office which means I have to be at day care. I gave Zaya to AJ , went to the kitchen, got the idli on the stove and realized after a while I did not even put water in the idli paatharam, the idli came out like a hybrid dosa. 

Then I carefully packed a lunch box for Zaya with egg scramble, cut blueberries and strawberries, a yumi sugarless chocolate bread and some cut idli with podi. And dropped the entire box on the floor. It was such a FAIL start to the day. I had a meeting to contribute to at 9 and we packed our lunch, gave Scooter his food, got ourselves ready and by the time we left it was 8.40. I was wondering if I should take the meeting from the car. Thankfully, the meeting got cancelled and I'm here sighing. I think I started the day looking at a full sink of dishes to be done and also with a half heart and it wasn't a great place to be. I'd like to work towards a more peaceful morning.

A day of down time with high expectations set

A day of 0 focus 

Bad sleep for few nights along with back pain, Zaya cold and cough. 

Zaya coming back home sick on training day.

A day of regressive shouting, followed by apology and a very quick return to normalcy. 

2 days of unfocused work. 

Shipt turned out to be a bummer. Veggies are all upmarked and the driver tip is like 10 min. We'd rather go get it from the shop.

The brain that imagines bad things in other's context and the need to  refine that and bring our better self to the center.

D got laid off. Devi got laid off many months back. It's a challenging environment to be looking for a job. One learning - it's the relationships , the connections you have that matters at this time in a market like this. I know Dheeru is a strong person. He tends to get pessimistic sometimes but that does not stop his amazing focus on doing what he's required to do. I feel sad that he has long been waiting for a peaceful time and he deserves a good time. I trust the universe and it's ways to get us aligned to what's best for us. 

News about someone from my college seemingly normal - with patents in his name - suddenly losing it and killing his own son. News about a mass shooting from a man that was not invited to a dance party in neighborhood Monterey Park. I did not choose to channel into these kinds of news. Gun restriction and help for mental health and emotional support is what it boils down to.