July

 July

July was a month of getting sick, many days of Zaya at home , fatigue, lack of motivation.

What was good about July was that we escaped reality in the weekends by going somewhere and that was our reality too, just another kind of reality where we enjoy fresh air and vastness and walks. There was cuteness from Zaya and Scooter. some social life.

Happy things

Day 1 of July was great. At Biswarup's place - all talented folks - good music and great paintings. The comfort of being able to take Scooter and Zaya along. A beautiful kitchen. Quinoa salad from Costco that I loved.

We're just about entering Zaya's 8th month, and a few days before that she has learnt to clap, and wait for it - Crawl! Like proper crawl. She also knows how to say No when she's had enough food. Many things about her growing up are not about me showing her what to do, it's about me learning from her what she becomes. 

No matter what mood we're in , when I spend time with Zaya everything can melt away when she smiles. It's a magical little smile. 

Rajdhaani kichdi. Khadhi.

Annapoorna sambar vada.

Chapathi and dal

A day of cleaning. 

A day of being imperfect followed by a day of talking about imperfections. What we came to was that we're not about being perfect or giving up. We're about trying to be better. 

The option to join in for a daily meditation and start somewhere.

Massage.

Walking near our old neighborhood

Pretty dress, adult mix, baby powder - all shipped from India. 

Swetha’a mom and her acts of kindness. 

Tamales. 

Being sick sucks, but is an opportunity to revisit habits and try to do small changes towards good health. I’m thankful for that opportunity. I’m thankful for friends who suggest what to do when I get sick or sad. I’m thankful for hospitals and the fixes they give. I should not be , but I’m also thankful for the 10 pounds I lost this last month out of sickness. I’m thankful for sick days. I’m thankful for Santhu’s video on satvic eating that shares a few good points about what can be changed habit wise. 

Here's a bunch of things that my friends told me about getting sick and getting better:

What I tried : tea, water, eucalyptus oil, steam.

Allopathy : amox antibiotic and flonase steroid spray.

Homeopathy : ear drops 

Lymphatic massage

Satvic Food

Foods for estrogen binding.

I don't know exactly what worked and I'm not fully sure it has worked since it has got better and then worse in the past. But towards the end of my most recent better phase I did have amox, I did have flonase, I stopped ear drops and oils and inhalers. The lymphatic massage seemed to really work. I did go mild with food and tried to starve a bit before choosing to eat. I also ate cauliflowers for estrogen binding. 

Here is some philosophy behind how one gets sick : One theory is that when we eat mucus causing food it lines all our intestines and pipes and causes gunk to build up and cause infections and sinusitis. So having satvic food (mucus reducing food) along with brisk walking and fasting and water packs helps remove the mucus. A very complementing theory is that of lymphatic massage. Both these theories are based on the thought that mucus gets produced below the neck and the symptoms show in the ear, nose and throat - so fix what's below. Lymphatic massage has a series of gentle strokes where you pump at a certain point in your neck and then massage downward from the ear and the side of the necks and the back of the head. When you do this the phlegm from here drains downward and the phlegm in your sinus cavities across your face have space for downward movement and therefore now drain downward. These theories also believe that allopathy only fixes the symptoms and not the root cause. Sometimes fixing the symptoms are equally important for relief and to stop infection so that's good too. Finally the other theory is that especially for women, the hormonal imbalances are high because of menstruation and child birth and menopause and so when certain hormones are higher than usual, your sensitivity to allergies increase (especially the case after child birth). So estrogen binding foods can help here.

I’m thankful for Scooter and his  randomly coming to kiss my toe before he goes to sleep :) 

Of course thankful for Ajey who I keep annoying. 

One day of meeting team mates and taking photos at Casa del Mar.

Most of the weekdays are unfulfilling. There is no sense of intention. The weekends are spent escaping the week's feelings and even though you have to come back to your weekdays I like the break to another kind of reality. The reality of sunset, warm rays, front yards, trees, old people with sunny smiles, random conversations, Zaya getting attention, fresh breeze and if none of these just some movement for the body. 

Today amidst the uneventful life we took a rather refreshing walk in the rich Bel air neighborhood being amazed by the vastness of things. One would think inspirations arrive only in nature, and if inspirations arrived from rich neighbourhoods it would be about becoming rich, but Bel air proved different for us. There were some amazing architectures, there were roofs so high that it looked like 10 rooms would fit in the roof. There was the fresh prince of Bel-Air house, but what stood out was an entrance to one of the houses that was probably on the side yard, and on the other side of the entrance we could see all through the backyard into the clouds of the hills. It felt like the entrance to heaven. Something about that moment was breathtaking. It was such a wonderful neighborhood to walk around, fresh air and there was blood circulating and inspiration came of riches but not exactly of the bel-air kind. I felt inspired to live a life that was full of riches of the mind - and that meant - a disciplined life lead by one's own terms. It felt like exercise, and books and focus but not going after something. It felt like stability of a place and peacefulness and focus on a journey not really wanting to lead somewhere exact.

After high demand, AJ's white pasta with mushrooms were made, and we devoured it in one night. Jusst yummm. 

Every time we return home, I carry Zaya up the stairs and Rat follows me like a dinosaur thats going to bite Zaya. it's become their personal thing that she almost anticipates this happening that as soon as get out the garage she's giving a mischievous smile looking at her dad. :)

One day of cheating : salmon cake

Thoughts

Motherhood : 

It’s hard. I’m fatigued, my back hurts, I don’t get enough sleep, I get annoyingly sick all the time. And with all these changes I’m also wondering all the time if I’m doing enough for Zaya. There’s this debate between independence and nurture. Will she get the right education, is the American system right for her emotional and mental growth. 

Sickness means not being good to one self , not being a good mom, not taking care of house chores, not being productive at work.

Lack of focus. 

Back aches and Zaya sleep.

Racing of mind.

I can see greed and someone being taken for granted, lack of sincerity. I only hope the person being taken for granted is able to balance the good heart with wise boundaries. From my side, what I can do is try to better the life that's within my hands - and there's a lot of scope just there. 

Saw someone who took a year of planned break. Tended their garden and did a lot of intentional engagements.

Watched dark documentaries. Also, binge watched stranger things. I'm a person who looks for a purpose behind everything. Watching dark documentaries is like education about evil in the world. To be close to the truth about the world just as it is. It's also about the amazing investigative agents and cops who do their job. It's also about the sadness about people's lives. Now about binge watching and stranger things. Binge watching is this unhealthy need to get done with something immediately, a way of drowning oneself, like eating several dishes in one meal. So maybe I should know to say 'okay enough for today, I'll have the dessert tomorrow'. Stranger things itself - entertainment - maya. But yes art also has the skill to draw parallels with the real life. It could be helping children who identify themselves with situations. This documentary 'Girl in the picture' could very well be the story of Stranger things. Most bad people have a reason they believe they can operate the way they do. They often drive it to a hard childhood, some to revenge. Almost like a joker. It also brings to the front, that sometimes two people who come from the same situations can respond differently to the same. One can do something positive out of it. One can turn into something negative. The crux of all of it is this - Childhood influence. It's very important what children see when they grow up.

Things to think about

Housing. Money. Parents. Zaya. Love. Fun. Behaviors. Health.

June

Summary :

It's been a hard month. Was anxious more times than last month. More sleepless days. Few J days. Few days of arguments. Still trying to get Zaya to take the bottle and sleep better. Stock market sucked. I had a hard time adjusting to the day care, initially.

On the good side, I cooked frequently, started daily walks, am still breast feeding and trying to improve her feed. Work went well. I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and tried to depend on myself to feel better. Health stats are better even though I can feel much better. I've kind of negotiated a schedule at the day care that works for me. Food (of course) - always thankful for :) Every weekend , we went out somewhere - beach, open houses.

Happy things : 

A productive Saturday: cooked, dishwasher, gave Zaya a warm bath, spent a good amount of time singing and reading to her. Washed her toys. Rat helped with trash, grocery and laundry. All this in spite of some nonsense social media.

We got Kenya to look after Zaya so we could go see Vikram.. it was over hyped movie but I guess a good trial to see how Zaya does without us for long. She's so calm with me that I had no idea what a little monster she can be to others. Kenya had back pain cuz Z cried the minute she put her down. Thankful for Kenya who was nice enough to come over. She's got a full time job as a account manager and does not do babysitting and was just nice because it was us. :)

My new doc is super professional and sweet. She reminded me to set my eye and dentist appointment and got all my questions answered patiently.

After a year of being on non veg food, my stats are all better than they were even before my pregnancy! I moved from anemia to elevated iron now(which is a whole new problem). I also have to get more vitamin d in. Time to fast again - get back to vegetarianism and weed out a few more things.

Did I already say this.. the daycare folks thought I'd be a good person to join them :D that's how involved I'm with Zaya. I'm the only mom doing this and I feel proud about myself that I spend time with the little one at a time in her life when she enjoys being with me. I get to sing songs to her and read books and the best part is I only do this thrice through my work day, before I start work , during lunch and the end of the day. It does not interfere with my productivity at work as much as I had initially feared. 

Appa renovated his house and it looks nice. 

Appa's new neighbor works for CBI in the cyber crime department and I'm so excited to meet this person sometime. Appa told me he wanted to move on from this role and Rat said he read a reddit on how most folks in cyber crime and anything that involves spending time on hard-to-see images eventually want to move on for sake of mental bandwidth. 

This neighbor also helped appa find a person who makes furniture to order.

Great news from D. :) A good year for him

Also, His student got first place in a tournament

Some random analysis I took proved useful to find some suspicious behavior.

I took some time in between the day to go for a walk. No scooter , Zaya or Ajey. Just me like back in yahoo office days. :) It was pleasant weather and was nice to take a new route and find new things to do around her day care.

Took a day off after a night of anxiety. Tried to sleep in which Zaya did not really allow. Got cake for lunch - random but Rat hinted pastries so that's what we did. Then I got a great massage from Tina at Hoop Massage. It was only 30 mins but felt great. I think masseuses are the perfect examples of professionalism. They make every minute of their service count and heal people from aches and pains. 

Rat does a lot of everyday things like breakfast, picked my medicines, makes puree, drives us around. I on my side mainly just feed the baby day and night. Outside of that, some work, some random day of puree and cooking, dishwashing. I like to keep it equal but many days I do feel a fatigue OR I'm just holding Zaya. 

We're finally making the purees a little more diverse , so Zaya gets : apple, banana, cereal, pears, butternut squash, sweet potato, egg, broccolli, carrot, dhal, avacado

The song : Un elephant

Swetha and Swetha's mom :) they sent me kanji for Zaya and aunty also sent kanji for me. She generously said "You're also like a daughter to me da" and I melted for a while.

Another weekend that was almost perfect until it was not! We made kothu paratha for breakfast, went to the beach and I spent some time in the water, we did laundry, trash, dishwasher, grocery, putting things away. Made chicken briyani and mutton paya (from gowri and gowri and it was aweeesome especially with dosa ) for the last non veg dishes I'm going to have till I go to India next. Gave Zaya a warm bath. 

Bolthouse carrot juice is the perfectest summer drink.

And the mango milkshakes that Rat makes. Yummy.

Arguments and temper are not good. Making up again and again may not be healthy either. but there's a certain happiness to making up after a tough day - to feel like a team again , to give ourselves another chance.

I had a dream where I got a fancy magazine that I could pull things out of. I got a few stitched saree blouses and a huge platforms type footwear that was funky looking (yes, all out of a book - those kind of things can  happen in dreams) and somehow I was super happy in the dream. 

Got Rat to taste arepas.

I spoke over the video call with some of my favorite people. Log. Lavs. Arti ka. Briefly with Alu, Dhivs & Gows.

Avanti's beautiful ballet like dance :) All the kids doing hoola hoops.

Another weekend of getting things done. It's just Sat afternoon and we got some things done - broomed the house, trash, laundry, hair wash, cooking, dishwasher, Scooter walks, counters got cleansed, her toys got washed. cleaned and ran Shark. Weekends are never perfect, there's always something that does not fit the narrative I want to have - more of that in the sadness section. But in the spirit of ending on a positive note, it's a long weekend for me, and there's still good times to be seized.

Few more things to do for the long weekend - grocery, Zaya health, quarters, Zaya / Scooter bath, mop, clean her seats. Maybe work. Maybe read. Maybe watch something and drown out time. 

Booked a 🧘‍♂️ class at Santa Monica Yoga. :) Got the benefits of stretching and clearing the mind. I wasn't the best , I have weak knees but that's not the point. The point is I tried and it helped :) and got sore.

Had egg briyani, slept better. Lol.

Finally went on mint. only that is the good news. How we spent last year was bad news. It almost looked American - our spending - paycheck to paycheck - a lot was spent on food.

Made dosa batter.

Looking at kids enjoying their sliding pool for summer camp.

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Audio books, MS advice, Z sleep, Z botttle, classes? stock education. time management @ daycare.

Thoughts: 

I was having a debate with two people on the same topic - Johnny amber. One had a healthy argument and the other went on as if 'feminism' is a bad word and hit below the belt. It's sad how these things can turn out. There's lot of good relationships that can be had, but drama is always best avoided. 

When you’re an adult it’s not easy to get along with a lot of people and that’s actually a good thing. You’ve grown so much to learn a thing or two about what you won't tolerate.

I watched 'Love on the spectrum' and there were some moments of pure love there that was very touching. It opened up my eyes to what autism can look like and what it might feel like. It feels like there's always some obsessive hobby, an inclination to know a lot of trivia, some expectations of perfection - they have an ideal partner in mind and keep doubting themselves or doubting if their partner is the right person. They decide impulsively. They so badly want 'normal' - what others have - someone that would care for them. In some ways all of us could be somewhat autistic. All so called "normal" humans do so much for fitting in, for attention, we also have things we are particular about, and sometimes we also feel socially awkward with new people that we just want to leave and go back to our own place. All this may happen to autistic people in a larger scale. They may not know how to judge people and may trust everyone. 

When you feel sadness or frustration, sure you can look for a solution, but really, immediately all you want is to be heard.

Sometimes things get explained to me that I already know about. I try to keep humble and just listen through it in the hope that in between all that I get some nuggets of useful info.

As a mom you've got to be stubborn about what you want for your child but also talk about it in a way that gets things done.

Sadness / worries:

I saw a YouTube video about a lady that recently came out about abuse from her pastor who even officiated her wedding. The man just said he had a confession to make in front of the whole church and that he was inappropriate and it was 20 years back. He said it in a tone that felt like it did not maatter if it happened 20 years back. And a whole hall of people applauded him as if he did something honorable. It was disgusting. The fact that this POS cunningly acted like a protector in public and abused a 16 year old. Thankfully, right after this happened she went up the stage and set the narrative right. She called him out exactly what he did. My fear about the world is that whole hall of people that disgustingly clap without a conscience. The accomplices of ignorance. The people that don't like to question what is really wrong and like to live in denial in a way that suits their limited arrangement in their brain. 

Another thing I was sad about was a colleague in San Jose whose house was invaded for a robbery, who had to go to the bank to draw money while his son was held hostage, and when his wife returned he was held at gunpoint. Thankfully the brave wife was attentive, honked the horns hard and called the police. They managed to steal for a whole two hours but left without physical harm. How can this world become a better place for everyone? 

 The night I saw both of these news I had anxiety. I spoke in a friends' group about it - was not the best decision. I wanted to talk to someone about it but felt no one really had the space or time for it. I did not want to open up to someone and end up feeling unheard anyway. 

Zaya sometimes cries in her sleep and this may sound strange but I always feel she cries when I'm particularly worried about something. This month it's been like 4 such days. :( 

Unsustainable. This is the word that's been hanging on top of my head. It's eating at all that it takes to sustain. And it's probably true. There are things that are unsustainable. Polite condescendence. Loud questioning. This word dropped into my life at a point when it felt like things were going pretty well but since then everything is questionable. There are days when I'm myself and questioning if even that needs to be questioned. There are days when I'm my other self and I can see how I'm not the 'right' person. It's sometimes hard to decide what going forward means. At some point all of us will grow, whatever direction it might be. 

A terrible night - half with anxiety and half with Zaya breaking my back. Poor girl has congestion again.

One of those days where you feel the lack and allow yourself to feel it. The stock market, the lack of a settle plan, the lack of money for the big dreams, the lack of continuous sleep, the lack of time to spend as a couple, and if we did make time - the inability to do anything because of one of us having to hold Zaya, the lack of feeling like you're heard. The bright side is of course things can always be worse, we are both employed, Work is a great escape - a place where I can sharpen my skills and feel good. I am able to take care of Zaya, and we're progressing in some way in our lives. There are ways to move from lack to contentment - partly mentally and partly by working hard.

The necessity to feel heard. The practicality of being closed. 

When you're not heard, your options are to let the frustration out, to communicate about it, and the third hard one is to bury it within yourself. The third lonely choice leads to distance.