Jan 2022

Jan summary:

- cooked consistently and am able to cook before 9 am most days

- my favorites : methi aloo, pavakka, avarakka, peerkanga thogayal, yam, manga pachadi

- things I can work on : turnips, better rasam, 

- Appa is here to help with Zaya and he adds his flavor to life.

- Feeding Zaya and managing her fussy periods 

- Health is a little better than last month for all of us

- photoshoot / passport done

- Zaya moments / few moments of gifting happiness

- have to learn to not complain and also to go beyond petty fights

- I wish I can cook by 9 on all days , but some recipes are complicated and I need to get a hang of it.

- I wish I'm consistent on all days about feeding / diaper but good news is weight is trending right

- I want to --------- (hopefully this gets done)

- I want to change investments ( hopefully this also gets done)

Jan things 

Check salary , extension of leave, March plan 

H1 premium

Passport , oci , ca 

Passport docs print 

Passport photo 

Newborn photoshoot 

Car recall 

Old car sell

Metromile insurance 

Tax 

Accounts / Andrew right capital 

Immunization / pediatrician - Zaya 

questions to ask pediatrician - scratching ear, white patches

q's to ask LC - feeding position to change? top feed formula?

Rat - bottom pain

Ananya - swelling / back pain / mastitis

Appa - nutrition / back pain 

Rat booster, mine scheduling 

Ergonomic beds, cushions 

Cook / laundry / dishwashing / shark / mop / bathroom 

Fix bathroom plug point

Grocery 

Feed / pump / diaper / bath / scooter bath / scooter walk / Sleep / soothe girl 

Study 

Yoga 

Drive 

Sling / setup to hold and laptop or read 

Pongal food, clothes, gifts

Read 

Sing 

Long drive 

Fruits 

Food - cooking / shef 

I cooked - chow chow kootu, kovakka poriyal, broccoli stew , avarakkka poriyal and rasam, cauliflower-capsicum rice, Rat helped make yam - we have to find an easier way(richtaste), radish capsicum sambar, carrot poriyal, Urulai kizhangu masala, Vazhakka fry, keerai sambar, peerkanga thogayal, rasam, bagalabath, murungakkai puli kozhambu(kannamma), podalanga poriyal with mung dal,

Rasam, pavakka fry(raks), parangikai kootu, aspargus stew. mixed veggie kurma, spinach poriyal, pattani sundal. Mullangi sambar, shalgum ki sabji, manga pachadi without neem flowers(shasti), keerai poriyal, tamarind rice , aloo methi (sanjay kapoor) - plucking methi is a pain, but I should make just aloo like this. chettinad mullangi kolambu (sharmis), avarakka. spinach sambar and gose poriyal, fried rice and soy chunks gravy. Jeera rice and chicken curry. Collard greens poriyal, green mung dhal, soy chunks chukka.

Potato roast, mulai keera masiyal, broccoli stir fry. Cauliflower roast, 

Shef - 

gotta try tawa pulao again, the Mexican cheesecake was amazing , Thai chicken and fried rice. 

Annapurna fried rice and other things, but fried rice was great. Yummazing Desi street style pizza , masala vadai, Shahi zarda 

Ergonomics 

Almost two months into having the baby I’m still figuring out ergonomics.

Ergonomics is part what we have, the other important part is what we do/ practice. Today I read an article and put together few things that I already had to get me ergonomically setup after a back pain that’s becoming severe. 

I used the recliner , 1. Aligned my back to the sofa rest, used some yoga blocks tor foot rest, used my long forgotten feeding pillow and a support pillow, setup my pump, clothes, rattle, phone and books nearby. This is better than operating from the bed. Practiced a few drills of getting off the sofa with Zaya , soothing her, feeding her. The foot rest helped me actually rock the rocker. I’m pleased, atleast initially. 

We threw away our 300 dollar bed that we just bought 6 months back and are investing in a 1k extra firm mattress. Should have done this much earlier. Better to pay high for something that lasts longer. Never buy mattresses online. 

Happy happy things

Zaya actually stops crying and goes to sleep when I sing lullabies. I’m amused by this happenstance. 

Fall leaves falling behind the dais and moms that throw pranks on daughters.

Laya and Zaya. 

As much as there are days I don't want to be in the kitchen, I feel great about the time available to do it now, and the discipline I'm showing cooking consistently. It's worth it for appa to see that I am trying and the days he likes the food are wins. Arti ka says our older folks have standards for us, so it's normal that they are critical of food. 

A few moments of togetherness amongst a whole day of house work and feeding.

Got some gifts - and I'll be honest I was not impressed, so why is it in the happy section - I guess for the attempt. The worst gift to give someone is a coffee mug with a 'joke' on it. :/ Well to be fair, the other gift was a mic and I guess it's a thoughtful one - and yet I'm only hoping I have the time and inspiration to actually use it. 

Got a chance to try some clothes outside my style quotient for the photoshoot and it felt good. 

Good hair days :) 

Negative results for Rat and Zaya. Her first round of immunizations, fever and recovery.

Shoulder Massage from the under-appreciated. Relief.

Bread omlette, chai biscuits, samosa sauce - all on demand from the under-appreciated. 

Zaya might someday be a teenager that wants to keep secrets , hopefully she just trusts her mom like a friend  - I don't know. When she's even older she might want to explore the world, get really busy with life - hopefully she always calls mom to catch up and mom also understands her lack of time. But today , at this stage she is the most dependant on me - rightfully tugging at my shirt, supporting herself by holding onto my hair, shaking her head all around revolting for my help in latching, giving me a few moments of coy looks directly into the eye with an innocence that sees directly into your heart, a few moments of trying to talk with single syllable babbles with me and her grandad, clutching her tiny self to her dad's shoulders, sitting on her mom and turning her neck to stare right into dad's eyes so fully recognizing her favorite person in the room. She will never be this small again - her legs are already hitting the borders of her newborn footies. There's future, studies ,sustainability , emotions, her making friends, how the world will evolve but for this moment none of it matters - there's just a precious little baby that needs to be cared for.

I enjoy eating my food :) with the excuse of rotating new veggies and trying to keep things fairly India like, the reward is making food that I enjoy - yam, spicy sambar, kootu,  thogayal - these are my favorites.

Girl's become a pumpkin with two ladoo cheeks. She has a curious almost suspicious stare like she's judging you and then suddenly breaks into a toothless smile. Dad and I sing to her and she responds with her little monosyllable moans - we think she's trying to sing with us. I had a wonderful night yesterday singing all my favorite songs to her , hopefully not over stimulating her senses. She was responding over the phone to Lavs and then Arti ka.. this one's a quick learner. Mrithva was showing his funny faces to entertain her :) 

Oil bath after what feels like a century, another day of some amazing cooking. Thankful for Kannamma cooks, Rak kitchen, padhus kitchen, Subbus kitchen for the detailed steps and tips. I’m starting to enjoy this house wifey stage of life - where I’m having time that does not compete with creating an enjoyable something in the kitchen, that does not compete with patient breast feeding, cleaning, and even some time to take care of myself and do nothing. Oh and I’m singing and listening to songs and spending time with dad. And enjoying the cuteness of a baby. When was the last time I had time for even one of these? I have to find a way to organize and flex timings so when career happens , I still get to keep reasonable parts of this. 

Rat has a teammate with a speaking disability. When asked for a preference between typing and talking she said either works for her. The kind of character behind a woman who can say that is amazing. Her working in a great company and being comfortable with her abilities is testament to her confidence and belief in herself. Amazing and something for everyone to learn from. 

Arya Dhayal :) 

Mango pachadi has a meaning. It has all seven tastes and signifies treating all emotions equally. 

Shopped something I thought was nice to gift. Fingers crossed. Glad it worked well and most importantly they liked the letter more than the gift <3 

Zaya wore some nice clothes. 

Appa spoke about how Ashok Nagar used to be when he was in his 7th standard, that after the buses left the whole town got quiet and houses were so sparse he could see the pillar from terrace. He spoke about folks that studied from his dad's house and how thatha funded other people's education. One of them became a doctor and thatha paid a big chunk of salary, another who thatha sent to Benares university traveled the country by bicycle, another became a professor. Then he spoke about how each of his brothers were talented. 

Appa and Zaya keep talking and appa is so entertained by all her reactions. I am still emotionally occupied some days and I'm glad appa does the fun baby things. 

Rat made pongal count by making hot ven pongal after I told him I was tired but wanted to celebrate pongal. 

Zaya gets dreams and they're complicated, because suddenly she has an upside down expression signaling she is on the verge of crying and suddenly she inverts it for a millisecond smile. I am so curious what happens in her dreams. Oh and she says amma a lot, and there was no aha moment. It seems to be the most natural word. She actually uses variants like mehhh, maey and such and she does not use it for me - she uses it to call attention, express pain, When we ask her to say amma, her efforts are cute and it sounds more like some high pitched syllables.

Zaya delivers flying kisses to me where her dad literally flies her to me like she is super girl and then plops her jollu mouth on my cheek. 

I knew when we chose the names Sayali and Zaya , there would be speculation from narrow minded folks. It made it even more special that choosing a name can itself be an act to respect diversity. Sayali means jasmine. The way I pronounce it , it comes from a song from dada and Mama's reception video that goes 'O Saayali' and has lovely lyrics. Zaya in Russian is a word used for a lover like jaanu. It also means winner warrior in native American and in Arabic means 'belonging to god' which I will freely interpret as belonging to nature. In spite of what people would like to make out of a name, what's beautiful is when your family fully embraces the decision you make and calls her lovingly. Yesterday appa says she has my name in hers - I'm Jaya and she's Zaya and that's sweet :) 

2 sinful bowls of vanilla ice cream topped with Ghirardelli chocolate sauce and crunch.

This song called 'vannam konda vennilavae' 

Greatooo newsoooo! :) (just to be clear to myself - great news for someone I know)

After a day of struggling with sleep and feeding, who knew relief would come by just knowing you need to remove booger from a tiny nose. The doctor, of course. Thankful for video visits and moving from crying to calm to smiles.

Guava with salt and chilly powder - like at the beach

Annapurna fried rice. 

Santhu said I look like amma and Nivi said I have all the qualities to be a journalist :) it's nice to hear those.

Jubi bought us a play gym. Of all the things she could have bought I’m so thankful she chose something Zaya does not have. The first day it came I had a 5 minute party playing the sounds. Zaya is enjoying herself looking at the colors, trying to touch all the shiny hanging things , holding, even aiming at it. 

Mudhal nee mudivum nee - the songs felt nostalgic. Spencer's reminded me of the first time I went to Spencer's with friends. Nostalgia also met me through memories of this Phil Collins song that used to play on fm when there were only two FM channels and just one hour dedicated to English songs. It's a sad song called 'another day in paradise'. 

Zaya loves to talk to her grandad. She keeps smiling to him and talks to him in her secret language. Appa responds so well too and he gets so happy every time she smiles. 

Learnings

I fantasize going to a city by myself, with Zaya, setting up a home, exploring the city on my own and feeling the happiness of new exploration. I have India and Canada on my mind. On the other hand Rat is too attached to the baby and says he will never feel like the baby is safe if he's not around. That's a conflict. On second thoughts, I do understand how important it is for children to be around parents - that's the learning but it's still true I want to do this - a trip a move with just my daughter. 

I am independent and do many things by myself. There are things we do together - that's team work, that's not something special - it's just us splitting our combined responsibilities even though it feels special to have a partner that partakes well. What I don't do for myself is have fun, take care of myself in ways that are not tangible. I could start doing that too by myself but it begs the question - if I do everything for myself.... 

Emotional deflection. Choice of words. Pretending that something never happened. 

If I have any of these attributes I want to be able to weed them out. I want to be in an environment where discussing emotions healthily is encouraged. 

People with a complex deal in self sympathy. We have problems co-existing with others if we put our ego first and take ourself too seriously. We tend to be sensitive , defensive, passive aggressive. It would be an opportunity for me to learn about not being this way. The better way to be is to first be healthy, second be independent, third have a social circle, fourth have a hobby, fifth smile and connect, sixth be humble and not talk about anything irrelevant, seven bring cheer. Eight ,low expectations. 

People in general want to feel superior to someone. 

I keep getting these articles from psychologyToday and look for topics every time some drama happens. I don’t get a turning point or anything of taht sort. I’m pretty much the same person, but digging deep into why people are the way they are gives me insights and I’d like to believe it will help me be a better person. 

Future thoughts: 

Have a big dream. Need to keep a job for that. Have my everyday little happiness. Have more everyday happiness I want to include in life. Want to enjoy work and be more intentional about all of it while having time for the small dreams. It would great if all of this becomes a synchronous consequence. 

When you know you are doing your best, you should also learn to ignore useless judgements. The good side of traits you don't like is the appreciation you can give for people with traits you do like.

Did not celebrate pongal like I wanted to. Why. Laziness. Feeding. Thinking about nanny timings. Leftovers. What's to learn from this. Nothing much. It's okay to not be perfect. 

I want to complain less and ignore more. 2022 goal.

I had a day cooking, brooming, mopping, laundry, feeding and managing her crying , and managed to watch half a movie with 10 breaks in between. It feels like there is so much time to do things and yet no continuous block to focus on things I want to do. It's a weird phase. You're tired , you do a lot and yet there's so much you did not do, so much you want to do. 

S said something about the little everyday stresses of life, that it takes your mind off bigger sadness sometimes and that was insightful. 

Good news can make one snobbish and it can make people around complacent. I would like to be in touch with reality and remember I am my best support and my journey is not so much about the people around me as it is about what I want.

I want to be independent for safety, I want to be ambitious for ego, I want to be resourceful for fulfillment. I want to be a good home maker for sustainability. I want to invest time into my daughter so she has time to grow to her best self. I want time for health and walks. I want some fun, somewhere in between. Yes, I want it all. I want balance. 

Cooking 

I'm starting to see a pattern of things in cooking and have not got a full hang of it but here's a quick brain dump

chettinad - fennel , coconut, whole garam, onion tomato cooked and blended. curry leaves.

puli kolambu - coriander, fenugreek, channa dhal, red chily, onion tomato - all these paste. then seasoning puli and vegetable soaking for a while, little jaggery, final add paste.

kurma - yogurt, coconut, poppy seeds, cashews , whole garam , and usual stuff with veggies

kootu - coconut and jeera blended and added in the end , mung and water vegetable cooked.

sambar - a good sambar powder , sometimes tastes better if veggies are cooked separate, but lazier version is good enough

tamarind rice, bisibelebath - dry roast red chilly, coriander, jeera, channa and urad dhal. 

non veg - more ginger garlic. fennel and whole garam.

Breastfeeding considerations

- Need to feed twice in the night

- Need to pump every few days and have a freezer stash ready

- Need to sleep early even if sleep is not possible for the first few hours just to get some rest in and help milk supply.

- When I start work, since I will be working from home, I need to set timings for feeding and work around it. Need to discuss flexible schedule ahead with manager.

- need to figure out nap.

- do I need to take Fridays or Wednesdays off?

Never understood humor most of the time. For some reason I've lost the ability to laugh freely. One thing I understand about humorists though, is that they're humble. They don't take themselves too seriously when it comes to bringing a reaction and that's great.

Opinions. They tell us about people. They tell us about ourselves. It is mostly a waste of time. Life is short to be spending time disliking people or things. Liking / appreciating is a better way to spend time. 

Reminder that it's always better to give people data/ information to consider when they are in a space to listen. Sometimes it's okay to say things to people you care about if there's a chance it will make sense later. 

Anger. It happens. I'd like it to not happen.