mid june update: cleaning, plants, some papers. eating junk food, bad sleep, not enough focus @ work, exercise was meh. EQ problems. more emotional human interaction than is usual for an introvert. money book. anxiety about future / money / redtape and other things.
end june update: picked up at work, started going to the office, improved posture, exercised.
May was decent at work - there's so much to know and learn, there was book reading and some action on that, some swimming, AJ going for stretching, plants and walks. Cooking. Lots of home projects focused on beauty , functionality, ease of finding things and keeping Z and S from making a mess. A bunch of eating out. Reading with Z.
What was bad was fatigue issues , some days crippling. Some EQ issues. Some EQ issues purely stemming from fatigue. Some that needs mental thought.
For June,
Want to feel
- less burned out and better energy
- have consistent sleep timings and consistently good sleep quality
- improve cardio strength & swimming skills / posture training
- work ergonomics.
- self yoga practice
- have nutrition for good energy and strength, hydration
- relieve neck pain and back pain
Finish book on Money, summarize, start book on data science
- probabilistic and deterministic
Tickets, AWS, user agent, side projects - keyword categorization
money habits, accounting
cook, clean, read, walk, plant
day care check on curriculum and english component
potty training, diaper, nutrition, sleep, weaning.
India flight ticket
community service
fashion
drive Z to day care M & F.
dosa corner
start photo konmari
5 big things:
drive. swim/posture. data science/graph. accounts/ budget. sleep.
wrap up home projects.
What did I practice?
1- sleeping early, waking up in time, listening @ meeting, Scooter, plants, dishes, installed the trellis.
Bad stuff : wasted time, read about some money post and was frustrated , general irritability.
2 - woke early, 1 ticket, 1 phone call with Godwin, 1 nap, did waste some time. Dishes 1.
3 - dishes 2, swim, z bath, some reading, walks, posture corrector.
4 - z hair trimming, managing tantrums & hunger, brooming, walk. Mopping room and restrooms. Cooked. Ironed some clothes. trash. Of course I only list what I do and Rat does a whole of other chores - he cooked too today, got groceries, mopped the hall.
5 - some Monday blue, one ticket, 1 walk, little cleaning, dishes, cooking
6- ticket, proactive signal, assembled a shelf and sorted AJ's closet, made thogayal
7 - work, a paper
8 - work
9 - somewhat did some work.
10 - accounts, Biswarup
11 - accounts, spoke about how we will be tight on expenses - stocks will go towards Ar. 1 saved for future but if layoff have to dig into it. .5 left which is emergency, ar, extra costs
12 - one follow up, helping colleague, managing some early warning n just the foresight needed for change in the future. watched a video from Maya's amma on sibling psychology. slept late wasting time on insta
13 - woke up late, started day late, spoke to Padma, read about crime/Epstein. ate a bunch of sugar and junk recently. feeling a little yuck. 2 days of bad food and not-so-productive thoughts is enough, time to move on to something that feels right / good. worked on 1 ticket partial, tried to understand CND (graph), dishes, read to z.
14. Information overload. Confused about direction. Bad diet. Good dinner. Caffeine, sugar and jitteriness. Converting anxiety to a plan. super late sleep time
15. rotimatic and tap card stuff. open house stuff.
16. woke up late, Z health checkup, breakfast date with Rat, tickets, a long walk with Scooter, rat made dosa and sandwich.
17. Z fed through the night. Bathed z. Swam. Cooked. Slept. Ate out n shopped asian mart. Chilling.
18. Z care, tried to nap, slept in time.
19. Z care
20. Intended to work and did not intend to cook. Did the opposite, willingly. Needed rest. Needed to cook.
21. office. AWS.
22. office. gym. AWS. walk. figuring out the bus. google intro to generative AI course.
23. One report using 3rd party data. One case study for stock market shorting analysis.
24. Swam. Relaxed. Cooked.
25. Beach
26. Gym, 2 analysis. 1 query. Amazon and Instagram browsing.
27. S walk. one ticket started. one open research started. some cook prep. a lot of time wasted on shopping site just looking at rotimatic and nymble. July planning and thinking about what to think. some Z reading. money check of how much there is - ~5. some instagram account management, Z bath, cooking
28. Gym. Work. Z read. Some investment masterclass.
29. z bath, work, ai intro, scooter walk, investigation, trying coupon abuse on a product I might not even buy, library visit, investment masterclass
30. bad sleep quality and posture, tidying up, quick online shopping, long scooter walk. elaborate cooking, dishes,
Happiness
When my lap becomes prime real estate that is rented by two cute inhabitants - Z and S, and only one of them wants to control the space at a given time!
Waking up at 6 for offsite meetings especially when I'm suffering from borderline insomnia and burn out was hard, but it's a good way to align with what I want eventually. Waking up early
We're pretty much on our way to tick off every restaurant in Sawtelle. Today it was a tart shop - we got Hong Kong, Portuguese, dates, sesame, radish mushroom and coconut. I preferred the Portuguese to the Hong Kong, z devoured the coconut that tasted like coconut barfi, sesame had a strong taste similar to the black sesame mittai from Indian street. Everything was very mild - no sugar so the sweetness came from the ingredients itself. The savory one was interesting. Anyway, after mom and especially in college I never quite spent enough time on Chennai streets knowing what's good where and so doing it here in Los Angeles kind of makes up for it. Isn't it funny most of our life is about what we wanted to do as a kid and could not.
I won a $75 coupon to the yahoo swag store for writing a story about my networking experience. The experience itself was valuable so this is icing on the cake. I got a track pant, a bottle and an insulated coffee mug with a filter in.
did I tell you? I joined shef for user testing and gave them some direct inputs which I believe will be helpful for the product team. It was also insightful for me to see how these sessions happen. I get a coupon for doing that. I also followed up with them twice so they send the bag recycling team to LA, got a coupon for that too.
Cleaning when it's deep is painful. It sucks time and energy to the point of me wondering why has so much of my life recently been about cleaning where it could have been about travel etc. However there are some rewards - finding something rotten in that corner behind a leg no one would see and getting rid of it, finding all the alphabets to Z's alphabet puzzle, finding the airpods that AJ was looking for, solving the mystery of that pair of spectacles that AJ had not found in a year, finding a whole lot of dust in a seemingly clean apartment, breathing fresh air into every item in the house and reminding me to actually use the things I possess that I don't use much - maybe wear all those fashionable clothes , maybe have a game night and play those board games but the best of all in a faulty inbuilt shelf ina corner between two wedges where things could have forever been forgotten ,we found a gold ring of Z we almost forget we owned.
Dada mopped the floor in the hall - a long pending item and the feeling of freshly mopped floors is special.
Love the random friendliness of people who walk - one someone noticing we were carrying the same take home box from the tart place and checking how it tasted. Another asking if I had a spare poop bag for his dog.
Today, I took the hashimoto route for scooters walk. It was lovely weather. At the house where they give away orange colored little fruits for free , a new flower was spotted - one I've never seen before. Sawtelle is just full of new flowers. Hashimoto looked extra beautiful.
reading a paper and making some sense of it is good, but also reminds you of how much you don't know. or should have learnt.
Yesterday I cried. I thought about people who are lonely and people who really want a baby but can't have one and somehow felt their pain. I was on my period so it did add to why I was feeling so sad. It's amazing cuz someone who I was talking about to Rat yesterday just gave the news that they are expecting a baby :)
and the other person that was sick and lonely - I think I gave them some hope and they also met a doc and got the right help.
Free food Wednesdays.
a great open house. a great vision.
Rat's tap card with money on it. Rat's chilli oil for the noodles.
breakfast date at Thyme with Rat. food was okay. we did nothing special but something felt good about it - just the fact that we got time with just us - no Z, may have made me feel the difference.
It's summer friday - so half a day - and start of a long weekend, so S got a generously long walk, new plants to smell, lots of sun and we even sat outside at the porch after the walk so we could soak in even more sun. Even Scooter was willing to come back home after his extra long time out.
someone at work spoke about how teenagers now can't go 12 minutes away from home without having access to a phone because they are not street smart. Inside my head I was like that sounds like me. I've been understanding LA neighborhoods better when we started what was house hunting earlier in the year, but gave up on. And that was a good exercise around school districts. But today I again looked at the train lines to understand better and there are so many gaps to fill, still! And knowing the highways is a whole other exercise to understand. the process makes me happy though I am still on the dumb side.
Z loves dogs and animals in general. She will always stop to say hi to them. She also knows to say 'Mine' when Scooter tries to take a food or toy that she had in her hand.
So here are the lines:
blue/ A line all the way down from Long beach to Azusa / Pasadena through union station
red/B line and purple/D line from union station towards the west to hollywood and north hollywood
orange/G line - further northwest from north hollywood towards Simi Valley / Van Nuys / canoga park
yellow/E line - santa monica, west LA(where I am) , culver city all the way to east LA through little Tokyo / union station.
pink/K line - from expo/crenshaw (in between culver and west LA) down towards Baldwin hills / inglewood.
green/ C line - south from redondo beach / hawthorne / torrance all the way to Norwalk in the south east
When we put Z on our shoulder to pat her to sleep, even before we pat her, she pats us - it's so heartwarming. We like to think she approves and appreciates our parents.
Finding a sectional summary of the book you were reading on masterclass = happiness.
capital one extension for finding coupons!
New books for Z from the library. She always goes 'Boo' or 'boosh' and that means she wants to read a book. Once she is done she will throw the book on the floor, go to the book shelf and get the next one.
Food
Me: idli and kathrika kaara kozhambu, green curry with tofu, paneer masala and jeera rice, peerkanga thogaiyal, spinach , vazhakka. Sambar. Gose. Semia. Noorkol kuzhambu. Poosinika sambar. Carrot poriyal. paneer burji, konda kadala tinda kulambu, creamy spinach noodles, fruit pastry puffs, caramelized brussel sprouts, potato au gratin.
Rat: air fried sweet potato and cauliflower. chilli oil and soba noodles. ir fried sweet potato and cauliflower again. Chicken. Salad. Portobello mushrooms. Chicken stir fry. chilli sauce laksa. dosa, chapathis
Outside : tart place , coco ichibanya - had naan and keema curry and it felt more authentically indian than indian restaurants to me , lol :D big boi - chicken adobo combo meal - was okay but then we went to melo melo for dessert and it was just yumm! :) we got the strawberry one and stravacado pistachio one .. yummm! tsujita vegan ramen. Chicken and egg Briyani from abiruchi.
Learning
on Instagram there were a few posts about money. One is about the research that happiness plateaus after a certain level of money, but that research is now debunked. The clarified version is that for a person that makes 1 million a 10k increment does not attribute much to happiness but a second million almost certainly does. And it affects baseline happiness.
The other one was about the theory that you have to sacrifice now for later good. While that is true to some extent there is a tipping point after which how much you sacrifice gives you a very smaller slice of later good. So it's often wiser to take the long winding road to happiness than the highway.
law of diminishing returns
Sleep
Been learning about sleep debt, circadian cycles and dips and peaks in energy through the day. Have to go watch huberman again.
Doctors.
The number of anesthesiologists that turn into addiction and suicide is a problem that is rarely discussed. The caretakers need care. The underpaid caretakers, even more so - the nurses, teachers, community workers.
A friend and I were talking about how easy it is to become part of systems that make work the most important part of life. We allow things to happen to us, even when it's tipped way off balance.
Today's a day that I knew would arrive. I assumed it would arrive because it must be hard to live with regrets - it must be hard to live with mistakes. Mistakes one chose to make when one had the choice not to make it in spite of a stance that could have held so much respect. In a way, karma has arrived. I don't know if any realization actually happened. Either way, I'm not feeling happiness or peace. I hope for positive change the way the world knows it - by learning from mistakes and making the best of what is left , holding on to the lessons learnt. I pray for the healing of a family that is stressed. I pray for a way forward for the family. I pray for healing. The eventuality of death is the reminder that we have a short life that can be chosen wise enough to count.
It is the right thing to report something so it does not repeat, it is the right thing to protect your boundaries, it is the right thing to break the taboo and stop pretending like there was no problem. It is the right thing to reiterate firmly and if necessary loudly what your boundaries are, if people who you previously held at a high stance do not understand the importance of these boundaries. It is also good to hope for a better time forward for all involved , that there is realization, evolution and kindness available for everyone. This last part cannot happen when you will never know if evil still prevails in hiding. And so the next best thing is distance. My hope exists, but there is a wall that keeps my happiness on my side of the wall, and I don't really care what happens on the other side of the wall.
random books : the siberia job, harilal and sons
We don't give as much as we can. Caring is considered a chore. but we could get better at this.
I'm overwhelmed because I'm thinking of too many things. Here are things on my mind:
Z nutrition
Z transitional kindergarten
Immigration
Plan for eb
Economy / volatility
Future of my job
What to learn now
Current state of my job
Red Tape : tickets / oci / passport
Appa
Health
Drive
Time management
Home chores
External validation
Sleep
Money stuff
Contribution
Car
Housing
Kitchen appliances
Sustainability / gardening.
I think some things are outside my control and somethings are in my control. And I can only live one day at a time.
So things not in my control
Immigration / eb - done what I can, got to wait.
Future of my job - not in my hand, better be prepared or atleast prepare to be prepared.
Appa - for this year, I can only meet him in December. Next year, situation can change.
Money can be a source of anxiety. Rat has changing expenses. We have a daughter and limited energy, so the luxury of day care is an expense we can't do without. Thinking about the future - saving enough for Z, being comfortable etc is also on our mind. But peace can only be had if we have clarity and communication. For now I don't have great clarity about a path towards my dreams but at least communication about his family's expenses. What that means is I need patience, focus on the things that I can work on and understanding. We also don't know about the economy. So we have to really wait for our dreams and focus on the very little we can save.
Things I can work towards:
Sleep - I can try sleeping by 10 and waking up by 7.
I can exercise atleast twice a week while learning the skill of swimming. I can workout at yahoo.
I can drive to day care , can drive to YMCA - atleast once a week to start with.
I can learn about advertising, search, pattern recognition, data science, fraud, data engineering in the job.
I can avoid sugar and caffeine and have predictable energy patterns.
I can do kitchen related cleaning and cooking only once in the week and once in the weekend.
Things I get help with
Z nutrition - Rat takes care of packing her food. If I can get enough sleep I can help him in the morning, else just give him suggestions and trust him. I'm breastfeeding so that's a good thing.
One-off things:
Can take a weekend to do oci / tickets.
Research: kindergarten, car , housing, economy, gym options/ stoner park. Investing.
What really causes a time crunch is the time I have to share between managing Z's energy, cooking, cleaning, wanting to understand money and work towards it. Wanting to study something like data science. AA
Cleaning, I can't do without - so it will happen.
Z is not in my control - I have to learn the art of balancing her energy and being able to focus on one of my needs.
So cooking and the cleaning that comes from cooking - this is really my pain area. I would like to free up this time towards relaxing time in the evening - maybe towards reading.
Cooking was a conscious decision in December. For health, nutrition, variety, cost savings, and Z's lunchbox etc. I'm proud of myself for trying for so long but I need back some time towards other things.
I could keep cooking to just 2 days. Once in the weekend and once in the week. And keep the cleaning also around those days. Even in those two times, AJ can do it once and me the other time.
Breakfast is simple usually - oats / nut bar / egg / milk - so that's fine.
In the weekend I can make idli batter. That will do for dinner. A simple chutney won't take 5 minutes.
Chapathi - a rotimatic would be great - we don't have the space to put it but yeah. Hummus would do. Both idli and chapathi can be made with super grains.
For lunch we could get efficient. Quinoa is quick.
Or pasta. One protein / one legume / one veggie.
Outside of this, I need to order healthy economic food outside. Decision was under 40 per meal.
If I cook once in a week and once in the weekend, work out once in the week and once in the weekend, during the week I will get 3 evenings free to manage studying, Z and research topics.
Money needs:
Car - 25k - can use bus and Rat's car to practice. Don't need now.
Rotimatic - 1.5k - can buy but should be okay with it taking up space in the kitchen.
Housing - 80 percent affordability and atleast 30 percent down. - just wait till you are comfortable and it is actually a wise decision.
Arv - Rat plus backup option.
Rat's whatever he can save towards house fund. My monthly contribution towards housing fund. Rat .8 and me maybe 2k.
Need to understand investing better.
401k / 529
Gym - options for swim / option for Rat outside of YMCA.
Sleep, wake, z ready, you ready, s walk, work, stretch, evening
Evening - study/ research/ Zaya.
M
T
W - gym, office, cook, dishes
T - swim
F
Laundry, contribution. Zaya/ outdoor/ Research / study
S - swim, Rat class, cook, dishes,
S - batter.
Long weekend sucked. One cuz Rat was working and did not have long weekend so I was basically at home with Z not having day care. T wanted to meet and I could not get there in time and after putting in effort to get stuff cleaned and ready she said she can't meet cuz she had dinner plans. It sucked and I'm glad I got my sleep. Back problems in the home. Tried a butter cookie recipe and burnt it by letting it sit for just 5 more minutes. Nothing much really happened this long weekend - no time to study or anything. I did enjoy food at Annapurna's and shopping at the Asia market, I enjoyed the sambar I made, a little bit of music maybe but overall there's an annoying cloud over me. A sense of having no direction. I feel like screaming. Z is attached and I don't have a place to escape to for a bit.
