Feb summary:
Got some house organization done.
Got a nanny, and started evening strolls with Zaya.
Driving got me confidence and I'm happy
Yoga got me some more understanding about the body and exposure to some amazing human beings with great focus and attention to detail.
Some studying.
simple cooking between AJ and I
h1, pp, appa flight stuff.
Sleeplessness and Zaya.
Wordle
Main few things: uda, drive, house organization. Yoga. Zaya. Less cooking. Transition.
investments, tax
salary. oci,
car - insurance / sell
B2 extension. india shopping
Accounts
frozen milk stash
sleep early, rest at 8.30 so you can sleep at 11.
follow up - pp, oci. photos. h1
read
delegate - 8to11, take on house tasks where you can
To do - call edd, study, clean bathroom, maybe lite cooking, laundry load 2 and pillow laundry. Check Ajey on flights , laptop and x-ray. Yoga plan.
I'm on konmari mode prior to starting work later this month. closet is almost done. did entry cupboard. I could do one small check for documents, gift cards, blankets, kitchen items, zaya provisions, medicine cabinet. cleaning items, verandah stuff,side table, meditation table, library books, photos, media, electronics.
things to keep in mind from book: no solid foods till 6 months, feeding ensures supply, co-sleeping helps supply. need to adapt to the baby's lack of schedule, dim lights, sleep early and get enough sleep,
Happy things :
Showed appa an elephant safari on the VR headset. He was giving running commentary and was telling us that the elephants are approaching him and spraying water from the pond. I took the opportunity to prank him, ran to the sink and got water to sprinkle on him. For a moment appa was startled wondering aloud and then we let him know. He liked the VR stuff but it was too much for his eyes.
Rat and I did nothing much for the anniversary as was expected with the baby. But in the night in order to not wake up the baby we were texting each other from the hall to the room like old times. Rat used his funny Bitmojis and it felt lovely .
We all got our boosters. Zaya got her passport, now she's officially a US citizen. There was an update on our medicals.
Appa left smoking completely for the two months he was here but he did not seem like he wanted to continue it when he is back in India.
Food is not perfect like in India but I tried my best for appa and it was a great experience. Every time he comes here I am learning to make it a little more better for him. Appa came looking thin. I feel he looks heathier now. Glad I tried.
Zaya is a rich kid with all the gifts her grandad got her. Really, what matters more though is his presence with her.
Few thousand miles behind does not matter in front of the few miles forward.
I feel like I’ve gotten closer to Appa this trip. He misses Zaya so much.
We got Scooter a new bed that is more comfortable and shaped like a den. I love how it looks and Scooter loves it too , he just naturally made it home.
A simple flavorful lunch of rotis, hummus , guacamole and eggs scrambled with snacking peppers and snap peas, Ajey style. Mango milkshake.
Zaya’s nanny Kenya said Zaya is the calmest kid she’s been with and that’s reflective of parents “like you guys look so calm” lol. I’m thankful for maternity leave and pandemic work from home that has allowed both of us to spend precious time with this lil darling.
Latest thing she's learnt to do is a brrr that her dad taught her, while she talks in her secret language the word brrr is incorporated in sentences too.
We have started going on strolls and thus starts Zaya's entry to the wide world.
Forget lady gaga. Say hello to lady Zaya in her leopard printed dress.
There's a teddy sleeping on the crescent moon in our room now, thanks to K7 anna buying that for us from the registry. It's beautiful.
Gowri's effortlessly amazing covers of a mallu song with swarams, and the kayalvizhiye song - a simple guitar, her high voice so beautifully merging with the depth her base voice offers. me hearing hariharan's harmonies for thaiya thaiya separately. Jana's rendition of kalyana then nila. Deepu's glowing photo. Sneha's video. Pri's pics of green vayals.
It’s mom’s birthday and I was thinking about my life as a mom and this memory of learning maths - sets to be precise - came up. It was one of my most profound memories in mom-daughter space. Mom was initially not willing to sit with me - she said I don’t know about this topic and then I told her ‘Mom I think I understand it , kind of , so I’m sure you will definitely understand it. I want you to sit with me and see if I’m understanding things right.’ So she sat with me, we went through the concepts and example problems where I read and explained to mom I think this is what it means and then we did practice problems and I asked her to check it. She sat patiently and told me I did well. It’s hard to explain why this was a very important memory but I’ll try. First, she had time and patience for me. In other words, love. Second it was a confidence building experience, she trusted I could help her help me. Miss you, ma :)
Two productive days :
Cleaned the fridge, counters, sink, feeding parts, got AJ to do trash and laundry, put things in place in all the rooms, new sheets, ran dishwasher, drove, studied and of course fed and soothed the girl. Rat got us a nanny. I also caught up on the sleep I needed. Girl went on her second stroll.
Going through something similar to nesting ahead of starting work - cleaned up the closet and got a few new shelves and saree bags.
A few more miles , a little more yoga and a little more studying.
Two days of consciously doing nothing and giving the body some rest. Removing pillow and the resulting better sleep.
Assembled two closet shelves with Ajey and made the closet a little more breathable.
Yesterday I heard two songs I liked. One was neela mazhai chaaral by ARR and the other was english note by Madurai Mani Iyer. Neela mazhai chaaral was nice in that in the first part he starts in an almost spiritual place and love arrives and there's a tinge of doubt of how long it will last. Then there's a transition.. there's a storm, the climate changes and he's lost his love, but the weather gets pleasant but his mind is elsewhere. I guess it's just an interesting progression musically. I did wish there were a few more dramatic elements musically when the storm appears but he just chose to keep it very casual, who knows why. Oh and the english note, I mugged up some notes and turns out I did sing the notes right, so that was fun.
When my yoga teacher @ Yahoo left, I had tears and that's when I knew what a good teacher can bring inside you. That was three years back. Now I'm on a platform called myyogateacher and I've been working with a bunch of teachers 1 on 1. Some are more cautious about my c-section, some think I'm ready to go but today's was the best. Some poses look so so simple, but it's only a great teacher who can make even the simple pose so engaging. My teacher today was Sakshi Jain. She helped me use the belt for some great opening exercises and told me how to engage well even for cat and cow poses, and warrior. How to rotate inward and not outward while doing these poses. She showed me how she does it and her body was super aligned. And when the class was over she told me about the breath and how my breath can change my life and my baby's health and when she told that I could feel it came from a place of deep experience, she was so giving. She wanted to give her all even to someone she met for the first time.
I read about the inward tailbone tuck and how it's a wrong move to practice and counteracted it with some squats that let me release my tail instead of tuck it and it worked great for back pain.
I saw a youtube video about a guy laughing in a train and the whole compartment breaking into laughter, it was great. Youtube suggestion brought up another video with a laughing flash mob that tried the same thing on the train and it was okay, not so much of a reaction. I'm happy for the smile both videos brought but also curious what makes that guy's laughter so naturally inviting.
I got to see Tutu’s wedding video. It was a simple wedding with just the two families on the bank of a river in New Zealand. I am impressed by Tutu’s maturity in keeping things so simple. There was rain, the video recording was affected by the rain, but everyone there was calm and held the umbrellas for each other.. and through all that their love for each other showed. They had written their vows for each other, there was a small New Zealand ritual, a few moments for the thaali and exchanging the maalai and then the ring ceremony from Damian’s side. I wish I had her maturity because it felt deeply meaningful to just focus on the most important .. unlike my wedding where I was quite distracted about so many issues where the only real thing that mattered was love and honoring that feeling.
I was reading a random article about under-the-radar trader joe's items we should try.. and I loved how the article was written by someone who actually loved writing and was not making just another list for clicks. For cinnabon buns he wrote "My anaconda don’t want none unless you got cinnamon buns, hun. " and I smiled :) at his playfulness and the joy of bringing a part of him into the article.
In the brief periods of life where you do your part but don't care about the past or the future, art manifests itself in songs and dance and joy and energy and you feel younger. I love it when it happens.
Zaya can now giggle. She also can hold onto things but once she holds onto something she thinks it is the 'thing' that is holding her and gets angry and screams not knowing how to un-hold, lol.
I'm happy. I got a 'leading' rating on my performance assessment , we did good as a company and that reflected on my bonus and I'm joining a new team and that is also a bump in salary. I'm thankful to life for the opportunities and progress and hope to learn and live a useful person. I had fears about maternity leaves but life for now has turned out different from my fears. Grateful.
Food
Me : Rasam and potato. Peerkanga and spinach. Thailand sadham. Kurma. Kathrika thokku. lauki dhal. vazhakka poriyal. beans pinto. beans poriyal and keera dhal. Black eyed peas. Kothu paratha. collards and sambar. Keerai dhal. Fried rice. sambar and beetroot poriyal.
Rat : roti and snap pea scramble eggs. snap peas. Soup and airfried potatoes. Mushroom gravy. briyani. potatoes brussel sprouts. Milkshakes and toasts. Amazing chukka.
Shef: We ordered egg curry from Solomon and it was good. Annapurna kaara dosai. Mayura stuff. Southern spice shrimp. paruppu vada. Italian from Rosti Tuscan- chocolate cake , NY cheesecake, eggplant parmigiano, lasagne, linguini. Thai food. Trader Joe's mushroom pasta. Pizza and pasta.
Learning :
Appa
Appa likes to be with Zaya and it's important for her to spend time with someone she enjoys being with. On the flip side , America can never be India. The climate is not something appa prefers. Food is his only big comfort and so it needs to be perfected. Managing Zaya takes some stamina and appa does great for his age. We will find a balance.
Indian cooking
I am glad I cooked most days in Dec and jan. I'm glad I experienced tastes I did not in a long time. It reminded me of mom. We included a diverse range of vegetables. There were days when appa liked the food. Ajey pretty much liked everything I made. We were eating fairly freshly cooked food. On the flip side, cooking daily is a tradeoff between quality and efficiency. A lot of oil and salt and rice carbs were included. For the next one month when family is not there, there's an opportunity to flip into something that works for Ajey and me. Less oil and salt. Quinoa instead of rice. Less sugar and coffee? More greens, less starchy veggies. More Ajey cooking, less me cooking. All while keeping outside food limited. I hope this is the month I change gears into finding time for other things.
Zaya engagement.
There were conflicts in my friends group when I asked how to engage Zaya. Some said cards. Some said nothing is needed - oru mannun venda. Don't make the kid studious :D some said comforting kid is important, some said it's okay to leave the kid to self soothe and be independent. Finally it comes to me what I do - I know I learnt to be independent by being pushed to hard situations but also the memory of mom's love was very important to keep getting better and knowing mom would have wanted me to be my best. I know school was stressful but got easier when I was in charge of myself later. I know a good early education focused on communication, reading and moral building was helpful to set standards for myself even when I detracked many times. I know protection is important as much as is the freedom to talk about anything. So for Zaya, I will give her the nutrition she needs, the comfort she wants by being near, when I can I'll leave her to her imagination with toys, I'll have a few things around that interests her through the day. Her grandparents are important for her. I need to find books to read to her. I need to be in a community where she can find friends. Music.
Appa says I have a big ego that I have to control. Ajey says I need to check my tone and it can comes off as harsh. Both are good feedback and I will need more awareness to change these traits (where applicable lol)
Apa wants me to not argue on topics that are purely on ego basis. He wants me to think about whether an argument is useful to me any way before I argue and not just start it to satiate the ego.
Psychology today - the crux of a few articles . Assume positive intent. Boundaries don’t apply to just personal data on social media. It also applies to what you expose about mental health. There is no such thing as self care in relationships. There is only relative self care.
Few more miles. Better to be slow and sure than quick. That means slowing down , paying attention, building focus.
Cleaning and organizing :
Pros:
- place looks clutter free and usable.
- everything has a place. there will be no time spent looking for things.
- things that are old can get thrown. new stuff put in place. we know what we need to buy.
- general cleanliness and hygiene.
- we are more inclined to use things that are hidden away when we clean places and remember we have these things.
- we may buy less when we know how much we have and actually use.
- reminds us to get chores done that can stay forever forgotten.
Cons:
- there is no end to perfecting organizing things, it can get borderline OCD.
- it could be a way to procrastinate other things that need to be prioritized.
- perfection could get in the way of respecting people who are not so perfect.
Bottomline - It's a good habit, but maybe it should be enforced once a month and not an obsession. If there is something more pressing it should be prioritized ahead.
Momma thoughts
Being a mother is a complex feeling for me. It’s something I’ve always felt would complete the void in me. Somehow I always thought everything I missed in losing mom I would gain by being the mother of a daughter. I wanted a girl and I got a girl. I’m thankful but to really hold a living breathing child in my arms and not knowing exactly what kind of mom I will turn out to be brings a fear. Before the baby arrived it’s easy to have a lot of ideals like she will be her own person and I will give her everything she needs, I will not have any expectations of her and from her. There are some things that still hold true. Both Ajey and I want to be self sufficient as older folks and not be in her way in any way. We want to support her life so she can have her freedom and focus on her goals. We want her to be Independent and smart and give her backup until she is about 22. I want to be someone she looks up to and that means someone she trusts , someone she can communicate with, someone who can give her guidance. I want her to be a feminist and that means always knowing that man and woman are equal partners. I don’t want her to be corrupted by any stupid Indian concepts or even sometimes world concepts that stereotype women. If she naturally takes to art and so called feminine traits so be it, but I want her to know whatever she takes up she will never give space for disrespect. She will question any custom that is backward and not participate in it. I would like her to find purpose in life. Now comes the other side. The fears and challenges. To raise a feminist means I need to be a feminist myself. But I’m at a phase where I am considering balance between being a feminist and being polite. Choosing between a 0 and 1 was easy but the world keeps telling me to find that 0.5 - these concepts like ignoring backward ideas and hypocrites, choosing battles, tolerating stuff etc. I previously enjoyed the liberation of clarity and the freedom of not giving a fuck. Growing up confuses that clarity. The second thing I’m worried about is her career choices. I want her to explore careers like a free human. I see a lot of people in America who keep switching what they study before they complete it and end up in different careers. Some of them enjoy that but there are a lot of people that don’t end up any place solid. I want her to build focus on anything she picks. I want her to learn skill but also the business side of things. If she is an artist I want her to know about taking things into her own hands, about marketing, about money. I want her to be badass whatever she picks. My fear here is that I don’t want to impress upon her my paths. And my fear is also not wanting her to be mediocre and the pressure that might entail and the doubts one may have about ‘harmless’ mediocrity. My third and fourth fears are attachment and detachment. I don’t want to be too attached - okay I’m lying. I want to be her best person. I want her to feel like we’re team. I want that attachment to be healthy. I want to protect her but allow her to do her own things and make her own mistakes and give her space when she needs it. I want to have goals for myself that keep me focused on progress when I have to give space to ‘mom’. Detachment - I worry I might not know how to love her. I know practically what she needs - feeding , financial support etc. but emotionally I don’t want to feel like an imposter. Someone who does mommy things. She’s just a baby and she looks at me sometimes like she knows me and believes in me and it puts a smile on my face. The rest of the time though, I wonder if she will always give me that confidence… If I’ll live up to holding that (currently baseless) trust.
Navigating the future:
I’m happy that in my current stage of life, I have navigated my past fairly decently, except in cases where my boundaries are disturbed. And that’s good enough.
But lately I’ve been pulled by dreams for the future. I have too many dreams for the future and it’s beyond me and it’s possible that it can overwhelm my life. I want a big house. I want a debt less secure life. I want to be a feminist that always pays her part and can never allow to depend even when it can be a wise thing to do. I want to learn yoga. I want to learn some dances. I want to learn some songs. I want to do things with Zaya. I want to drive. I want a well organized home. I want the discipline of home cooked food. I wanted to have dad near. I want to travel. I want to learn tech real well. I want to dabble in managerial work and entrepreneurship. I want a garden. Sustainability. be a good mom. Friends. Foster home. PR. Obviously I’m asking too much of myself.
I need to throw a lot of garbage out of my head and focus on what the present needs. The present needs sleep, it needs yoga, meditation, body strength. It needs time to rest and recover. It needs nutrition. It needs patience with Zaya. It needs me time. It needs a lighter head. It needs to shed some ego and learn to smile more. Learn to love more. It needs to learn to live within means. It needs happy walks. I will be joining work and a new team. It needs flexibility to transition back. I would love to go to classes and be taken care of. I would love to not be with Zaya all the time and still trust that she is fine and taken care of.
My dreams are lead by fear of not having. They are lead by ego. They are lead by fear of not being higher and ... higher is a word that’s always just a little higher - Always.
The counter measure to fear is of course - rest, focus on the good in life, focus on all the things that are going right in life.
So here goes a small step towards that. Yes I need rest, and I can take it and the phase will pass to a place where I will have strength in my body and I will have the ability to take care of myself like I have in the past. There is enough , much more than I needed 10 years back and yet there is a fear of lacking. I have citizenship in my country - India , I can always go back and focus on the good things in that country if I need to. The whole world is ours to explore, there does not have to be a bigger house that is never going to be big enough to go after. What we need is sunlight, clean air, warmth, a place to sleep. Warmth of someone to share life with. Yes the world has sadness, it’s future has challenges.. but life is only what we feel now , only what we see now. I have the ability to surrender and embrace what could be just sweet being.
Evil in the world
After a while avoiding dark documentaries I recently watched two on Netflix. It's scary what the world can be. Checking child offenders list online was shocking , just how many there are and how close they can be. I am scared about how to protect this little one, about how to educate her about evil. The other side of all that was to be deeply thankful for this little bubble with basic problems and stresses , a place that's safe and loving. A place I can trust, believe, be honest, be heard and accepted.
