October 2021
Made a happy lunch of kadamba sambar, beans/carrot poriyal, omlette and AJ had some mushrooms made too :)
I got a couple of packets of different Brazilian chocolate (Mission Chocolate) for latinx month @ Yahoo. I'm excited about the workshop next week! So the workshop was good, it was like wine tasting / coffee tasting etc. I've not been that kind of sophisticated, however it was interesting knowing the journey of this person who went from Cali to Brazil to learn about chocolat and has never left Brazil in 5 years. I tasted 3 flavors - dulce de leche - which tasted like a really good theratti paal, and I was surprised to hear the chocolatier actually say that this recipe probably came from India. when you taste you usually smell so that too was great. the color - was such a surprise too when I opened this beautiful graphic package. Then we went to pao de mel - which tasted like hot chocolate from a nice Mexican bakery - smell of cloves - but also a little like a pumpkin spice latte - it was a spicy chocolate. The third one l'arange was made from skin of candied navel oranges and it had a nice smell to it. We also got a hot chocolate with 100% chocolate and were warned not to eat it but to make a drink off a recipe and then have it. There was another flavor she mentioned called two rivers coming from nuts from the Amazon river and then the Atlantic river and the story of how when the two rivers join, the rivers are two different colors and they don't merge and the chocolate also looks like this. The special thing about Mission chocolate is the cacao is not ground and different cacaos are made into different chocolates unlike mainstream chocolate factories. I was surprised to see orange and yellow and red colored papaya sized fruits that were actually cacaos! They are made here directly from bean to bar, starting from getting good seeds, harvesting them, drying them guarding from rain, then ground for three says and then made into this lovely texture. They also spoke about the Brazilian culture where they produce the most amount of chocolate but export the least because of how Brazilians love their chocolate, about the carnival, the people's love for socializing. Having known Rita, I could relate :) She also spoke about how you cannot navigate the Amazon until you are a local.
AJ read about this Jarlsberg cheese on some reddit thread and made some pasta in white sauce. I've never been a pasta person but I like it that he really enjoys his pasta and it's a mild but palatable dish for me.
Jully Alma says it's important to remember where home is. I was talking to Arundyoti and she too was attesting how important one's culture should be to one. I don't know how much that translates to me, but I atleast want to be non-judgemental and appreciative about things I don't understand and participate in. Thankful for perspectives to consider.
Almost going to finish Indra Nooyi's book 'My life in full'. Like a good book does, it makes me uncomfortable in some places in how it expands perspectives to broader values systems and newer worlds and big ambitions.
It's been a very tough day - I was super angry yesterday and then lost sleep in the night with too many thoughts and then cried. I don't know how AJ puts up with this. There are some things that I always regret even after years and don't know how to walk past it. I slipped out of composure a couple of times yesterday. I also suffer from high expectations. I wish I could ground myself more. I wish I could be a nicer person. I wish I had more energy. I wish everyone happiness. I'm thankful AJ patiently listens and tolerates and tries to ease hard feelings.
Mansi and Varad had a daughter yesterday. They'd called a few days back and have been so patiently answering my questions on what to buy etc. I'm thankful for AJ's friends and wish Mansi speedy recovery and blooming health to match the energy of the two little fashionistas :)
Food:
Costco tiramisu in a shot glass. Tiato. Sunshine. Glitter tee. Ven pongal and AJ's frustration. Arundyoti's birthday - cake and Simpang Asia and saree photos. Ajey's second briyani attempt. A half pint of totally unbaked ice cream that he and I finished after I had tiramisu - too much ice cream. Javvarisi vadaam. Butter pound cake. Rat tried the egg drop soup and got the texture perfect. I made a simple char dhal tadka with lazy whole okras and we both loved it. Rat made this great chicken rasam - very spicy but very homely.
Sunmerry bakery : pudding brioche, hokaido cake (amazing like Indian shop pastry) , cream puff. And tempura at marugame udon which was a lazy and unnecessarily healthier substitute for bajji cravings.
I'm happy at the opportunity to collaborate, I'm happy for the opportunity to listen and I'm happy at how different people bring different energies and how interestingly they merge in order to bring the best possible outcome. This is true in business and life. I'm also starting to see how helping , being help-able and managing expectations can be a Challenge. The push and pull between big dreams and practical acceptance is a skill that needs to be practiced again and again and mastered.
I don't trust spiritual leaders fully because I cannot gauge what is business, what is well intentioned and what is greed and exploit in their world. However I'd be lying if I said I don't borrow a few ideas from them and wonder about a few 'mystic' stuff if it could be really true. So anyway, yesterday in my cousin Rathan's WhatsApp status some 'spiritual' guy was talking about how a deer was grazing the grass with it's little baby deer. And the mother deer notices a lion on one side.. she knows immediately if she runs now her little deer won't know exactly where to run and might get caught, she looks at the other side - there's a fire , on the other side a water fall and then a hunter with his arrow pointed from the other side. The deer knows she has no choice but also has the wisdom that panicking will only agitate the little one and not help the situation. So she puts her head down and continues to graze the grass and keep her baby calm and focused on the grass. Suddenly there's a thunderstorm and the rains put out the fire, the hunter loses his focus and snaps the arrow towards the lion And nature takes control. It's a fascinating story and maybe too over the top but I'd like to believe that sometimes focusing on the only things that we have control on is the best step forward.
Victor Cheng’s email on emotional intelligence. How can one navigate and build EQ when someone else's low EQ is in your way?
Today I'm thankful for lending my voice towards an immigration problem at a global meeting. It was just a small voice but it's still a big step for me. It makes me feel vulnerable, it may even have been risky opening one up to judgement but it's also authentic to being me in voicing out concerns/ frustrations that I feel are not spoken about enough.
Christina sent me and the baby some goodies. They're so cute, especially this yellow footie with a yellow head band.
Min is a neighbour we've seen walk with her husband who helped their really beautiful baby practice walk at 13 months. Once when AJ was walking Scooter by himself, she stopped him and spoke to him and gave advice on how there are some things only husbands can do and it's easy for mom to get tired. She sent him videos on how to calm the baby. She gave him suggestions on the day cares nearby. Yesterday I got to meet her too and what a warm person she was. She's moving to Irvine in a month. Her son Alex is such a cutie and she answered all our questions so patiently.
Arundyoti spoke about how she read this book called outliers, not the one by Malcolm Gladwell.. and how it spoke about how introverts like to lead a team of self learners and innovators and extroverts like to lead teams that can take instructions and in the right context most times the 'taking-instructions' teams are usually more efficient for a company. That was a very interesting insight and I'm so glad I have a roomie who likes to read and discuss such things.
I was interestingly confused about how to set the path of my career today after listening to Arundyoti and Rathan discuss system design, ML, leet code, how behavioral sometimes carries more weight than tech. It felt like I'm not above average in many of the fields I can work in and not sure which one I should really double down on. That's a good thing to know about oneself.
I usually use weekends for all the house to-do's. This weekend, most of Sunday I slept. My body needed it - I feel good, especially after all the scary stories people are feeding me about the impending sleepless life.
Love is about acceptance. And the world would be a great place if it was easier for all of us to accept more and appreciate more. I hope people do things conducive to happiness and peace. This means not saying unnecessary things in place of useful things. This also means not letting useless things people say get into our heads and establishing boundaries.
Family will not fully understand us. They will not fully agree with our thoughts and philosophies. A good family will protect in the way they know and will keep us grounded.
One of the guys I work with got engaged and he was so excited announcing it , it was good to share the excitement.
I reached out to a few folks who were helping me and shamelessly asked if there's a way I can pay for their support and they just refused it. I feel lucky that there are people who just want to be there for me because they feel responsible.
Lav calls and checks in often and gives me timely advice about baby.
Dheeru seems more relaxed than before because work is manageable for now and he can focus on the next two months.
I'm interviewing folks and sometimes I feel sad about how folks structure their resumes when there's nothing to talk about and wonder how they will get a break - there was one resume that literally said family situation is hard and I could do nothing about it. On the other side I also was impressed about some really good candidates who could articulate so well and went above and beyond in making processes tight.
Happy that Arundyoti caught a thief before he could steal stuff and also did not get hurt in the process. Happy she drove safely and shifted well. Happy there’s exciting new things to explore, for her. Happy Scooter did not run off the gate all the chances he had.
Happy iron infusion went well. Happy for the book I was reading when it went and happy for Ajey who I was constantly reminded of while reading the book as someone I so freely have access to and can learn from. Happy that yahoo was mentioned so many times.
So happy the travel ban got lifted. Happy for Dheeru and Sowmya for the job, the move, the SIL who is organizing everything for them, for parents who will arrive :) Happy to have Appa here at a perfect time.
The month was just a lot of to-do butt kicking. It was so much that that just giving myself space to appreciate Aj and myself for all that got done was needed. The results is health checkup, grocery , shopping, assembling furniture, organizing things and dusting places, Scooter health , cleaner kitchen , cooking , blooming and mopping, trash , deep cleaning appliances, all while we were moving work along. Lots of laundry.
Happy we have garage space for other car and no more parking tickets. Google home and hue lights. Scooter got a vet and his meds :)
Akka is here. She said the apartment looks pretty :) coming from her that’s a great compliment. Scooter and her have hit it off well. When she is in the kitchen it’s a time for me to observe and learn from her. I ask her too many annoying questions. She cleans things immediately, even the dining after every use, she told me changing the stove can change food sticking to a vessel, I wondered why you move food from cooking dish to serving dish and then to smaller dishes. And since she cooks more frequently, my mind bends at quantities. She also told us about how education is here and how Vidhu grapples for fortnite time and password in between school, homework, tennis and kumon.
Perima has sent some nutritional laddus and amazing adhirasams and rice mixes.Arti ka is spoiling us by cooking something or the other all week.
If love/hate can progress to love, that would be great.
Had such a fun open house at Yahoo where Josh Schwartz started with some amazing DJ'ing that got us into a fun mood, and then there was such an amazing Alexis (Schitt's Creek) impression intro followed by our new CEO as Ted Lasso. It's lovely to see people who know how to have fun!
Something progressed. Something progressed further. H1 is extended. It was great to get to know a new team.
Appa’s friend Lakshman , also a widower made some cooking molaga thool for Appa to get to me when he comes here. How sweet and thoughtful! :) when such a gesture comes from a man who is from the yester-generation, someone I don't even know very well - the humanity of it moves me. And that there's lots to learn. I’m feeling like everyone is being nice to me. Zaaya might be a lucky kid - if that’s a thing.
Santhu hopped on to something I wanted and helped me patiently. I learnt and tried my hand at stuff. I wish I could have been more clear and timely with her but if nothing I am my glad I tried.
I'm glad I made it to the third iron infusion which we were pretty doubtful if we'd make it to. I'm burned out but getting there.
I wish I was more in control of emotions. I feel sorry for folks who are stressed out and instead of removing from the stress I added to it.
Of akka's recipes, I like her chicken, her rasam and her potato/Brinjal curry that goes great with chapati, the most! Her pulao was also flavorful. Everything she does is above par.
Arti ka wanted to do an archanai so we went to the Malibu temple. She loved it and thought the deities looked good. She asked the Iyer to bless me - he seemed like a nice guy and it's always nice to get blessings from a human being. We went to Sadtha and the sunmerry bakery. Sadtha was okay - their starters were interesting. Akka liked the bread from sunmerry.
What's coming in the next months:
Baby - hopefully later than earlier - but ready to adapt as needed
All baby things - feed, diaper and sleep
Food / Food supplements
A / K - The work is done, they need to run and debug and do some lifting on their side.
N - progressing well
Hiring
Immigration
Rest & Regaining health
D's wedding -
See if I can suggest or research for anything they need. Be healthy to participate.
Clothes for 2 days, makeup, baby stuff, travel for dad and me, space in car for seat, clothes, nalangu. Plan baby schedule.
People
Arti ka, Dinesh na
Appa's schedule.
Scooter vet / insurance
Yoga / Driving - schedule
S / Deepu / Mansi / Ayushi - check.
Last day of October: Thankful because Zaya gave us enough time to get some things done: We organized the apartment to be functional and simple. I trained folks and helped in hiring, to my best ability. We had health checkups and iron infusions and baby is good, so far. I got a new opp. A lot of people were nice to me. Arti ka is helping us a lot. h1b is filed. Rat has something started. He has been balancing a lot : work, home, his family. Scooter is ours, his health is in track. I tried to help somewhere and sometimes felt conflicted. Very little finance learning. I read Indra Nooyi. Health is decent.
On the learning side: Twice in the month, I lost cool. It's about time I let go of some memories that don't serve my future. I wish I was a more loving caring person. Time teaches everyone everything they need. For me - it probably means remembering that I'm not the center of the world, even though I am the most important person in my life. Simplicity could help. A lot more EQ could help. I could learn patience and acceptance. I could learn to create the space where what I say is taken well and wait until that space is made. I could be more humble. I need a system at home for nutrition and health. I need to learn what is right and prioritize for Zaya as much as I know what is right for me. I could make better efforts to keep in touch with people who have been nice to me. At work, I have to learn the balance between caring and practicality. I can learn to find more tasks that I naturally align to and build better work ethics.
I want to participate in things I don't understand in a helpful way. Finances are expected to spike, I want to learn more about money. I want to settle down and work towards a meaningful life. I want a study plan that allows me to hit my goals and take me to a place where I can contribute to the society.
The idea of a meaningful life changes over time:
Some things are constant : Health, simplicity, routine/discipline, learning. Balance.
Being responsible with the people that matter and defining and respecting boundaries when necessary.
EQ, learning to love and care. without emotional / empathetic burnout.
Zaaya - learning to be a good mom that can raise a good child.
Sustainability. Women. Understanding, and influencing when needed. Patience.
Reputation and ethics.
Lifting people up who need a hand in life. Creating protective spaces for the vulnerable.
Managing societal expectations so one is not distracted too much from the meaningful.
Being decisive.
Making time for useless fun.
Understanding the power of money but also learning about other ways the world works.
Learning to work in conflict.
September 2021
Dindugul mutton briyani at Southern Spice. It's the kind of briyani where you take the first mouth of it and you appreciate life. It's magic when you can taste something from your very distant past that feels so good. It's so flavorful, yet not spicy. It's made with ghee and seearaga samba, no matter how much you've splurged you leave feeling like you have not over fed, or over acifdified your system. Oh the best thing about this was I was suffering from anxiety that morning from some past triggers and wondering how to stop my brain and food actually worked instantly.
Then we went to a thrift store looking for specific furniture. I could not find it , but I found a little bit of nostalgia from my childhood , a Winnie the Pooh stuffed toy which I want to introduce to Zaaya but Scooter is already trying to claim it.
Then we went to a place called Handel's for homemade ice cream. I was on a call so I guess I did not really pause and savor the ice cream but it was still good in memory. There were 4 flavors, one I think was black currant - very interesting.
A long chatty phone call with Log talking about her hard feelings about a neighbourhood friends problems, something about Abdul Kalam and books, our husbands, family politics from functions, a lot of being interrupted by cute and naughty Avantika. Log also spoke about how she sleeps in a blissful state of gujalti after watching K dramas :D and how they're so easy to resonate with unlike American stories that can be intense.
When Scooter gets agitated about the Shark vaccum, goes barking at it and sometimes gives a look at me after barking as if to say 'I'm here to protect you from the vacuum'.
Our first episode being sleepless from 1am to 4am, thanks to Scooters anxiety and paced walking and realizing the poor fellow was suffering diarrhea and wondering where to poop and how to ask us so he can get out of the house. He had 3 rounds - 2 in the house and 1 from his 2 am walk, and he finally slept after I gave him a nice massage. I feel motherly around him and while looking for larger purpose in life, this smaller purpose of just being there for a dog who trusts me , feels good.
I'm glad that sometimes I am able to pause when someone is rude to me and not let a temporary situation turn worse. It's sometimes better to conserve energy than to take your ego too seriously and also good to build the ability to focus on more important things. It does cause hurt, but at least it stops with me.
We're giving our room a makeover so it no longer looks like a bachelor pad, and we're done with most of our shopping from the baby registry. I have been wanting to bring my girl into a place that looks like home. I am feeling the pressure. I hear she is going to be nice to me and I don't have to feel so much like I have to have everything decent.
I'm glad I was again able to respond patiently to something that would have otherwise made me anxious. I was patient, consulted with someone related to the issue and responded well. I hope this trait stays.
No matter how hard we work, sometimes it feels like life keeps on demanding. I don't have much to invest but I'm educating myself daily about money and that's a good thing.
Lav phone call.
Dheeru and companionship :)
Dheeru and new opps :)
There was some video about God on a group. It was too deep and I wanted to analyze it with the group. Instead I constrained myself and decided no one needs my opinions. The topic in my own mind was hard because of the dissonance but the chaos ended there.
I have been feeling sad. Thinking about dad makes me feel some gratefulness. Makes me want to do something for him. I think about dad and realize how strong of a man he is. How he's always found peace and contentment even when he's not really had his deserved share of happiness after having worked hard all his life. He expects nothing but for me to be able to take care of myself and live well.
I often find myself with not enough women references in certain areas. Every woman inspires me in some way or the other, but not many I personally know who talk about tech or finance. I'm happy to have a room mate like Arundyoti who is smart , ambitious, a techie and likes to talk about money and is also my colleague :) I'll miss her when she moves out even though we've both been quite private most of the time.
This tiktok video Ravi chitappa sent of 4 ladies dancing very cheerfully to a Singhalese song.
I have been happy about my continued interest in learning about money. I realized by maximizing my 401k in the next 3 months I can bring Ajey to a lower tax bracket when we file jointly. This would make me reduce my contributions to roth, but happy I can save AJ some tax for now.
The girl's been kicking in all directions, stretching like anything for a long time. It's like she would erupt out of my tummy at any time - this alien.
Scooter has been adopted :) he’s gotten to his target weight rather quickly. He was sick and that accelerated it a bit but the wags folks said he was okay, and he’s been more energetic these days too.
We went to millet crepe. I had vanilla strawberry creme brulee and Rat had salted caramel walnuts custard crepe brulee.
We put up some baby wall stickers on the wall and they were cute. We got out maternity sofa - looks rather big but should possibly fit snug once we clean up the packages in the room.
AJ grumpily decided to wait with me at the DMV an hour earlier than DMV opens at 7 am , and I'm thankful for that. Once we got in, things moved super fast. Now I have an ID back for hospital needs and my license to drive. 👌It's approved till 2026, this time, yay!
Our to-do lists are never ending and we keep on working towards it. Finances, home organization, interior designing, cleaning, Scooter, hospital visits, cooking - just too much to-do's for just two specks of dust on this earth. But for whatever it's worth , for whatever life we have remaining I feel we're pushing in the right direction and that's a good thing.
Spoke to Mini ka and she was telling me about managing nannies, and how she was really lucky with her nanny in that even after all these years she keeps in touch and sends gifts and that's really a testament to how friendly she was in treating her well. Definitely something to learn from.
Mint.com is already proving useful. It gives a weekly summary and it's pretty nice how insightful it is to give us a chance every week to correct ourselves and find things we never knew. We're already looking to cancel two useless memberships - spotify and b&n.
We live in a real nice neighborhood and yet don't participate in the bustling energy that is Sawtelle. Once in a while we sneak out of our residential routes and get into the eating lanes ,it's nice but I don't think mint.com agrees :D
We assembled this really nice piece of bedroom furniture and it has this rustic look. I like it. I've been talking about sustainability and also about living simple but the exact opposite is happening. We're buying a lot of stuff to make home feel like home. We're also now two bed room big and that's too much for us - but everything feels more breathable and accessible with the extra room coming up. It will also help host guests and parents once it's available in Oct.
I konmari'd my medicine cabinet, took out some equipments and jewellery and cosmetics and put it in a more accessible place. Room's starting to look like the magazines. Hall was already like that. Material life does have it's share of happiness.
Rat took Monday off and was looking forward to Friday evening but a bug got pushed and he seemed pissed because that's a second weekend where he's been into work when he expected to have the weekend to himself. I don't like that he has to work so hard but I'm proud about his work ethics and how he wants to push things to the finish line and keep deadlines all the while balancing so many other roles. He teaches his brother algorithms, manages the cooking, laundry and pretty much everything I'm unable to do during pregnancy. He's managing people who are unreasonable. He takes care of scooter and all that while working very sincerely at his work.
Leo's owner is moving from the neighbourhood. Scooter is friendly with just two dogs and so we'll miss watching Leo during walks. And happy we got to know him :)
So in the spirit of gratefulness, today when I look at the baby shower that Dheeru organized for me I'm most thankful for a sentence I made at the shower "I only want good memories. For myself and my baby, I only want good memories. " And in that spirit, I'm happy Dheeru put together something, that I got to see the faces of the innocent babies and children, the cousins, the good memories, the well-wishers. And I'm thankful for the grace I show and the grace I don't show, where others with context fail. I'm also thankful for an excuse to get dressed up. Thankful for the fun games.
There are people I want to be grateful for and close to but can't. When everyone learns to be respectful and sensitive , everything will get better. Until then I'll put out a thought to the universe that they face the truth for what it is, fear society less and find peace.
Spoke to Anil and Arti ka. It was a very hard day but glad we were able to connect well in spite of it. Arti ka has high EQ - even with a complex person like me she can keep calm and talk caringly. I'm so glad for the resetting properties of sleep. It was a mentally and emotionally tiring day and I feel much better after sleep.
I'm a little fatigued and overwhelmed by emotions. AJ had another day where office folks were calling him on a day he has taken off. But like life always is, in between all this chaos some beautifully overwhelming things happen. Gows, Satish and Rithish visited , and all my friends planned a really nice video wishing me well. They sent me this lovely saree and bangles and a silk mask and clips. It's such a beautiful color. It was too many emotions I did not know how to respond. Then we went to the beach and Gows took a few photos of me. What's more special than a friend who makes you pose and take photos. Rithish cracked all these funny jokes , and he asked us all for jokes that we googled for just to match up to his entertainment. We ate at sage bistro. Gows and her neighbour Gowri made snacks and gave us. I feel so undeserving for all this love. I don't know how I can show back and be a better friend for all my girls.
S called. Work is hectic for her. She is working on reducing load for next year and also knows how she wants to structure her career to take her to where and how she wants to settle down. So things are going in the right direction. I do miss her in the group but I want to learn to respect the space she wants for herself. For her and for everyone in the group, I ask the universe for good health, peace and focus on a life just the way one wishes it to be.
This happened long back, but it makes me happy thinking about it even now. Avantika was on the call when I was talking to Log and when I told her about the name Saayali, she made her own song with lyrics 'O Saayali' and it was the sweetest most reassuring thing I've heard. The innocent declaration of a name - the first time I hear it and feel the name is going to be fine. And then during the virtual baby shower with my family, it was lovely to hear Ashmita and Anwitha listen to my story about Zaaya's name and she said 'hmmmm That's an interesting story' and went on to say how the baby will grow up , she would be a chubby baby and then be a tall thin little lady :) just like herself. Oh and Yuvan so cutely said 'Happy Birthday thaatha' and everyone laughed at the virtual baby shower and then he got so shy and cute.
Guhan na - I don't have many formalities with him but I can directly ping him without asking how he is etc and ask him a money related question and he will answer without being bothered by how direct I am.
Gowri made these amazing home made snacks - it tastes so good and also does not have that acidic/spicy feeling. She made ribbon pakoda, murukku and the other Gowri also sent a murukku and they were all so unique and tasty!
To-do butt kicking weekend. It feels like it's been to-do butt kicking for months now where things just keep getting added. I don't know if it's a good thing :D but hey an excuse to celebrate.
I actually took the effort to wear a saree today all by myself after watching many videos and also put on make up. It was a little stressing when doing it because to get it right you need a lot of patience and also it was a little sad that I'm my mom's daughter.. she rocked the saree and here I am still figuring it out. I was also conscious about how AJ's photos of mine made me look old. Thankfully the day was saved by Arundyoti ,some briyani and even more photos at the Playa park. Thankful again for my ladies.
Today I was wondering how abstracted out we are from the design of an entire human baby even though it's all happening inside my tummy. Nature is awe-inspiring that way.
Just a request to the universe to make things easier to travel to India and come back. To make it easier for folks to enjoy the present without being too bothered about the future.
There are a few people who subtly try to put you down by asking you when you are leaving, who is replacing you etc, suggest that I will be happy to look forward to the baby when talking about the possible effects of the acquisition and it's very annoying. The good thing is I'll be fine in spite of these narrow minded comments, and there's a good amount of well-intentioned folks too. I'm also looking forward to my preordered book from Indra Nooyi who also talks about how we need a world designed so a woman does not have to compromise between being a career woman and a mother. It got delivered today and I'm through 2 chapters!
My manager pitched and made it possible to do some good things(win-win) for the team / company. I am glad that gives me the opportunity to do some good things for folks that are good for the team.
Just want to say it one more time. Scooter is funny and he's made me laugh a lot :D
I've noticed I've been enjoying training folks on tech related stuff and don't feel like I'm doing a job no matter how many weeks I spend doing this. That's something important to know about myself. I like to learn tech and I like to teach tech, especially to people who like to learn it :)
I made a joke in my mind as I was cooking... "If you had new age progressive ideas, but not quite, what vegetable would you be? Radish :D"
August 2021
I'm still unsure what the situation is going to be like with the job/visa and I posted on the alumni whatsapp group. One of the members , a Karthik Rangarajan, the national secretary of the group called personally and gave me options on why I should not be stressed and why after birth there will be psychological problems and I should not be stressing on this. He spoke about insurance, and visa transfer and consular processing. He had a lot of info and was very generous with his time. I am curious what motivates him to be so generous.
I'm happy about my Scooter paapa. Lot of cuteness because of him.
After a long time I made good food. I should not have tired myself so much in the heat cuz it was felt in the tummy with the baby inside. But hey food came out well, and Rat bought some organic chicken and it tasted awesome. None of the restaurant NV food tasted as good as his chicken.
We're getting closer to the registry and discussing finances more now. We did a lot of cleaning to make space for Zaaya's stuff.
Rat's been playing Arkham night and I usually get annoyed with video games but I'm starting to understand it is his space and apparently he's in the last 5% of his game. :) It has a story line which looks interesting , alternating between the dark and the hero and all these fights.
Something came my way when I was looking for it. I hope it will go the direction I want it to.
Scooter never went into his crate in his initial days and I had given up when he was initially here. AJ , opened it up and put it in the hall and made it a little cushy. The little boy voluntarily went and sat there today. :) It's good practice for when Rat goes back to office and has to attend meetings without him.
Rat bought this mousse cake with fudge icing from Costco. The first day I thought it was too calorific, sugary and terrible. Something happened and the past two days I've been devouring it in unhealthy amounts. We were planning on giving to a homeless camp but that did not happen, of course.
We had some calorific snacks unopened and some protein packs last month that a dumpster diver took when we left it neatly next to where he visits . :)
Dad said he's having a good time - eating, sleeping , TV and most importantly engaging with the kids from the neighborhood. Apparently, they came home yesterday asking my dad to share the cctv to see if they really were OUT in the gully cricket match they played. LOL
I'm becoming a pro at refunds. I got a few grubhubs refunded for wrong orders, a chair for breaking, a costco membership upgrade refund for incorrect advertising by complaining to the better business bureau. Got an old roomie to pay for things. These small things matter.
there's a beautiful song called Ananya that just released from the movie Toofan. It has a pregnant woman and she gets a toy called the Scooter Rani, the exact one I have :)
We bought a food processor and AJ made this amazing tomato kochi - it was great!
I'll be interviewing a pool of candidates within the US for the first time. Also with the India contractor team, for the first time I'm having conversations with folks about how they feel. Some things are not in my hands, but where I can I'm glad I try.
We have a robot vacuum now. It's not perfect - it's noisy, repeats places and misses corners - but with a baby and dog coming it gives peace that the floor is clean and takes out a lot of dirt.
Indulging makes us happy even though it dips into the pocket :/ Costco cake and fancy Trader Joe's juices.
The first trimester was hard adjusting taste and food and feeling fatigued and also emotionally different. But since there are a lot of things that are easier in this pregnancy relatively I'm happy and thankful for this body that's taking me through this journey - very few vomits, no weight loss, no back pain so far, not too hungry, able to do my job, no fatigue after the 2 months in 1st trimester, no drastic mood changes, no stretches that are scratchy, able to eat normally and taste normally, able to sleep fairly okay. I know things can change, labor can be difficult and there's this hormonal funk that can happen later on but for now I'm thankful for my body that has taken me through this decently. I'm also thankful for the bright side of corona - which is working from home, access to bathroom, not having to wear office clothes, and being able to take naps in between. I still don't think I'll do this again because of the fatigue, break in career movement, the planning and buying needed. The next time I will adopt and after having less to think of in terms of making space , physical and mental.
Peter just sent a random message asking me to have garlic before delivery and vendhaiyam after delivery for milk production. Sneha sent me a message about pregnancy pillow and Log asked me to focus on the positive for baby's sake. I wonder what I did to deserve these kinds of thoughts from friends. I must be lucky that they still think of me :)
We parked our car on the road and got a ticket for parking in front of driveway. Another guy who was taking his car out said he had the same happen to him and he had to do take a pic and show we were not in front of the driveway. He even volunteered to drive his car through the driveway past our car so we could take a pic. What a nice guy!
I usually do evening walks, but today I joined the morning walk. I loved it. It was pleasant weather :)
I saved a whole 110 bucks on a stroller on buybuybaby by applying two discounts, thanks to Ayushi's suggestions.
The art of finding and applying coupons - I'm starting to proactively look for coupons before making purchases. Saved some at petco.
Organized my clothes into separate shelves into things that won't fit for another year and things that will fit during breastfeeding - some time saving functionality there. Organized the bathroom closet and made space for extra stuff and put things out on sills/cupboards to make them more accessible and not hidden away for eternity. .
Looked at myself on the mirror in my maroon dress that AJ bought for me, saw my huge pregnant tummy - something was nice about it, so I went to the hall and did a little dance in front of AJ, he giggled and took a photo of me. The photo was bad but I felt awesome. Also I was in a bad mood before that and I was surprised by just how a small jiggle and smile can change moods.
Rat was laughing at his phone. Apparently he was playing dragonballz with an opponent named memeMan, who picked a single weak character to play. Instead of fighting each other they both mimicked each other and at the end gave a thumbs up with a good game comment. AJ found this so funny I wanted to know what was up on his phone :D
I finally got nominated for a Bravo award at work which I've wondered for long why I never was nominated for. I don't know if I'll get selected but the fact that someone nominated me feels good.
Managers - you never know what they operate out of. They try to be as good to employees as possible, they sometimes have to take decisions for the business that may not be good for the employee. Same with employees - sometimes we take decisions that are right for us and may not be right for the team. Once in a while in this relationship between a manager and team member, our regular human selves shine through. Today we spoke about the fires, death of a 94 year old grandma Vs the death of a young friend - why not to sweat on the small stuff and that was good. :)
Rat made biriyani and we had rasamalai after
We were chatting up with one of the dog(Eddie) owners we usually bump into during Scooter's walks and he mentioned he'd be okay dog sitting Scooter if we decided to go to India without us asking him :)
Muffin and ice cream.
July 2021
- Shivraj pinged in the Bapens group , linked the 'Hey hey ena aachu' song and said reminded me of Ananya. Brian replied about missing good times. It felt great to be remembered. I spent some time in memories and nostalgia and sang the song a few times.
- Instead of doing big costly vacations, I think we will be able to plan small weekend vacations especially living in LA, this should be fine :)
- The car is a hyundai sonata 2018. My previous car was 3K, this one is a 20k in bad market, but we had to do it and I'm actually happy. The car looks beautiful - a silver shine, it is spacious. We were listening to some music and I'm glad for Zaaya who will be able to enjoy quality speakers and music. Most importantly it has all the safety features which is why we made the switch in the first place.
- We got a spectrum hiccup resolved with Sasha's room mate. Cal paid dues for utils. I'm glad it happened smoothly but the sad thing is that I might have over reacted with Sasha. I'm glad we saved a few bucks.
- I'm happy the old car had a minor accident where all of us were safe but it got us some 2K in insurance money for a 3K car.
- Dinesh anna and Arti akka both volunteered to spend a few weeks here when Zaaya is here so they can help me. I do feel a lil guilty because I've not really done anything for them but they're stepping up as family and I'm grateful they are here and they do it humbly.
- I'm happy some options opened up for Arundyoti for September in housing. I wanted to understand if in Feb when the lease gets over she would transfer the lease, and instead she said she'd move out much earlier. Which then makes it viable to host folks in the other room for an extra 1075 in rent VS an airbnb that could have cost us 2K and a more full time nanny that would have cost more. This means our expenses would be towards flight tickets, food, and a smaller rent and Zaaya and I will get care in return. .
- I'm happy the tests today showed everything fine for Zaaya.
- Oh and we got a bigger bed and it feels much better sleeping in the night and having space with this tummy of mine. We might exchange it for a harder bed which was what was the failed promise in the purchase but either way the firmness does not bother me as much in comparison to the happiness from an actual full sized bed :)
- Scooter's fleas are not to be seen after just one weekend of deep cleaning
- Scooter makes me happy. Apparently he's in the final round audition of a Subaru commercial. He's a cutie.
- The flexibility at work - the ability and the space to prove - but also the flexibility to rest.
- Bought clothes for Zaaya from India - better selection and better prices , definitely.
- Rat and I fought - I'm still a grumpy person but we are able to de-escalate quite easily and get functional soon and that's good.
- Spoke to Godwin for hours: He kept AJ and I laughing for long with all his memories at work. It was nice to see his attitude to life. He is a smart hard working person and has had an unfair share of hurdles in life - yet he always looks at the bright side and makes it all about friends, people, laughter and memories. I was complaining about AJ to him - and he was giving me parallels in his life and supporting AJ. He brings perspective to life.
- We ordered food from Simpang Asia - Indonesian food - it was great - I liked their signature spicy fried rice and the omlette that came with it.
- I've been interested in learning about alternate housing - tiny homes, floating homes, mobile homes, geodesic homes - what are the pro and cons - in terms of energy efficiency, sustainability, climate change, future appreciation etc and it's been fascinating seeing all these projects. Tiny homes seem out because of the flexibility in dimensions but container homes could be sustainable, Geodesic homes are most structurally sound with minimal material and also distribute temperatures evenly. Floating homes are in no way limited by size but they're climate efficient , they will float if water levels rise. Most alternate homes reduce in value unlike a standard home that appreciates in value. I might never use any of this knowledge, but it's lovely knowing about it and imagining things anyway :) There was this Vancouver geodesic home built by the owner and the bedroom was just so beautiful.
- We baked a gender reveal cake. Can I just be happy for that without going into the details of how it tasted.
- So some folks are always aligned to causing drama and it's a lot of entertainment to catch up on the drama. It also gives you data points to be angry. AJ chose to abstract out the drama which I'd usually be privy to and kept me out of it - it's actually a good thing :) Instead of being angry or judging, I'm just smiling because of the funny-ness of it all.
- I completed a lot of courses on pregnancy and updated the 'Useful Posts' group with it - I feel more confident about the choices for that day.
June 2021
Scooter - few genuine smiling moments.
In spite of feeling feelings like owning him, I'm also able to practice letting him go, allowing him to explore.
I love it when he gets a rub and we stop and he rubs the top of his head under our hand asking us to rub him.
Cuteness never featured in my life before. Now it's a huge part with Scooter's little nose. And the baby's not even here.
Log called and expressed her concern for me. She said she was worried about me the last two days. It was good to know she thought of me :) and cared to call and tell me that I need to divert my mind.
Dad and his forwards itself can be triggers for me, but he called and told me that bad things always happen, that I can always have an opinion but I need to not be rude and direct to people. Sometimes these things feel right, but sometimes they don't and it ends up taking me into a mental health funk.
It's June 5th , a Saturday. I would not say I'm succeeding at my wanting to be in control of my emotions , but I'm trying a few new things, and I'm happy about that.
I went back to Thich Nhat Hanh, even with my apprehensions to understand his views. He suggests some alternate possibilities.
I did house chores , even if it's just one day, and it feels good to have tried. I wish this keeps going and extending into more possibilities.
I made sure we moved out of the home to better places. Friday at the beach was good, calming. Today we went to the Fern Dell Park near Griffith. My triggers and tempers did show up, but even with that the day counted. It was a nice long walk and had a Berkeley area vibe to it.
Mini ka sent a box full of snacks. She also shared she sends 90% of her profits to verified charities :)
Face mask with Arundyoti
Rat's new sambar recipe and good cooking :)
Rainy day
Scooter runs to the bathroom when I feel like puking and I gaspingly call AJ in the middle of a puke episode. He also barks protectively at folks who come towards me. He is ignoring me a lot of the time, but these moments I yearn for. :)
I ordered some books from the library to read more about the baby and tune in.
I love the days I wake up in the middle of the night, look at rat's face and just find him beautiful :)
I made some dhal makhni, it was not elaborate in the amount of time required. It was much quicker , yet real good.
Rat makes these amazing omlettes with grilled veggies: spinach, bell peppers , onion , garlic and then he adds milk to it on my request and it tastes like a 5 star omlette.. it's amazing. He also googled for the best chocolate milk and he got me a 2% version from trader joe's .. it's so good. It feels like a vacation breakfast right at home. He's so kind.
Scooter let's me do annoying things to him , like topple him over and give belly rubs, put my finger into his mouth and attempt to scrub his teeth. He trusts me a little more :)
I have had difficult conversations with my dad, but what's actually nice to see on the internet is the changing view of comments. I see more love to Chinmayi and more hate to Vairamuthu in spite of all the BS that still exists and I like that shifting narration.
My dad sent me a video of a song called Sudari. Even though I wish he had broader views, I'm happy when he sends me videos like this - where it basically says 'Take a break for a while from what worries you, this too shall pass' I liked hearing that. There are somethings I'd like to take a break from, but I'm stubborn that after the break i'll go right back to it - I'm not going to let it pass - I will at least try to lessen the pain I got from happening to others. So I would like you, Zaaya, to also listen to that song and definitely take breaks, the pain should pass, but the learning should not - you should put your learnings to action and purpose.
I've started talking to you Zaaya these days, in my blog, so it may be hard to differentiate when I'm talking about my dad or your dad - when i'm generally addressing the world , when i'm talking to you :D Even though this is open to the world, what really mattered I guess was that you see this at some point and that's taken a natural progression.
I broke my 2 1/2 years stint of being a vegetarian or eggetarian, and last week I had chicken from Mayura and an indo-chinese place. Yesterday I had goat briyani. The chicken did not feel like I missed something big but the goat was tasty and I loved the meal. I'm also thankful for the iron and nutrition it gave me. I wanted to go three years before I take a break when I visit India but somehow I broke that. I'm aware I killed three animals to cater to the taste mostly and nutrition of 1.5 humans.
We've had ice creams quite a lot. There's this seasonal flavor called peach bellini - it has no alcohol and it tastes great - we went to Rori's artisenal twice and had this.
We met Sasha and walked with her and the dog at the Santa Monica park by the beach. She said Zaya means 'babe' in Russian and that's how lovers refer to each other :) So there, another lovely meaning to your lovely name.
Rat made great fresh kovakka. And he also made great vaazhakka poriyal.
Zaaya, you may have started kicking. :) We were worried a little cuz you were taking time to kick and there was something called a choroid plexus cyst on either side of your brains and it caused us to worry. Doctors say it has been cleared for risk based on the CA genetic testing. I'm hoping you'd come out healthy. I'm selfish that way - I only want a mentally healthy baby. I want to spend more on parents who have babies who are challenged - but personally I want you to be a healthy baby - mentally, someone who I can talk and interact with.
I got my first shot of covid vaccine - there's still not enough evidence it's safe for pregnant women, but a lot of women have been taking it anyway, and it's good news for a world hit with a pandemic where vaccine rates are reducing the impact of the pandemic. This is good given it's a risk if pregnant women get infected, and lot of people are dying in other countries and vaccine production is still challenging.
Your dad and I - we have not planned travel much in the past - so to make up - in the last month or so we went to the Long beach dog park, the griffith park, and just somewhere every once in a while. We hope we do more of this once you are also able to enjoy the outdoors.
I was a little confused about how I worked hard last year, and then pregnancy happened and I was weak for a while - and now I'm happy that my health is much better in the second trimester. But I also can't help think how I'm training everyone else on processes I owned making it easy for people to take over my role, and when I come back from maternity leave, everyone will forget progress from before and I'll have to start from scratch. Even with that, I'm feeling more optimistic this trisem than the first. I was wondering if I should just be a house wife in the first trisem. But now I'm back in my senses, recognize all the talents I have, and the importance for women to not retire into roles that the society puts them in that can eventually put them in a weaker place, and the need for me to stand up for who I am and my independence even after being a mom. I do want to be a great mom - read and explore with you, but I also want to be a great needle mover for what a woman can do if she sets her mind to it. The next 3 years will still mostly be about you and your changing phases of growth every six months - but I am going to make time to keep the career moving too - don't want to compromise that.
I finished a masterclass on real estate - it was good. Outside of real estate - one other nice thing I learnt from Retfin was 'Maximize your strengths' and 'Minimize your weakness' instead of trying to focus so much on converting your weaknesses. That's why it makes sense that I embrace being a successful tech woman and maximizing opportunities even though sometime in the future I'd like to be in policy and the likes.
June is the month of doing uselessly happy things like kissing and annoying scooter, and making him run around for his squeaky toy and doing so much baby-talk to a dog even before a baby is here.
Rat felt the baby kick. :)
