This has been an important month.
There were a few weeks of slacking and laziness ahead of the planned India trip.
The trip was supposed to be fun with dad. There was a lot of good memories which should have all been great but it was all in the midst of a mental health break down that happened at the crux of multiple things coming together.
I was helping and intending to learn more about helping others with mental health and the irony was that right in the middle of all this, I had a mental health episode that felt like the floor beneath me was removed.
I am hoping like kintsugi this only help me build back stronger.
1. There was information overload of the kind of information that is hard to deal with - not the kind of reality I want to be part of.
- a bad person with more evidence towards their personality.
- someone hard to care for because of the irony of their sympathy that suits them.
- the pressure of trying to care for someone I did not have the capacity to care for - and instead doing the right thing and talking the truth which has no capacity to care and only worsens another person's perspective.
- the irony of using this concept of 'karma' to suit ones whims. The belittling of one's challenges to make another challenge look bigger.
- the possibly unnecessary consideration of sympathy and forgiveness in the wake of death, especially when not asked for.
2. Information overload - family history
- useless information about the family history.
- useless information about how karma gets back to us even for things out forefathers did.
3. Lack of sleep because of jet lag, breastfeeding, Zaya and anxious thoughts
4. Managing zaya without ajeys help or the day care.
5. Delusions of thinking I can interpret things and they mean something. Paranoid feeling.
6. Mindfulness practice , a release of energy, a sinking feeling, palpitations, a feeling like I forgot all the happiness I had.
7. The overwhelm of new information about mindfulness, about paranoia and the fear of becoming a mad person.
What are the learnings :
- establish and re-establish boundaries. You can't care for others when you are unable to care for yourself
- don't care for others. Don't try to forgive others. It's okay for others to suffer their truth as long as you don't consciously or unconsciously play an unwarranted role in their suffering.
- we can't control everything. Things happen beyond the legal system. Things happen beyond the concept of what is right and wrong. And sometimes walking away to protect yourself for now is the best thing to do.
- don't travel with Zaya without help. Try to avoid anything stressful when traveling.
- prioritize sleep during jet lag. Sleep in the first leg and build sleep pressure 12 hours ahead of ideal sleep time. It takes several days for sleep debt to catch up. Take proactive naps.
- mindfulness that works with energy is not always useful and can actually cause difficulty. It seems energy can screw with your mind. Long form storage - our body.
- it does not matter what karma says. Let's take care of our health and let's focus on what we can do.
- the brain has a tendency to explain things to itself using imagination - this is called dreaming and sometimes it does this whole thing awake when there is lack of sleep.
- lack of sleep can also hinder our ability to judge others emotions.
- all of us are a little mad and can slip into unstable phases without the right support and sleep system when we stress the brain too much. We can hopefully use the neuroplasticity of the brain to bring us back to normalcy.
- the brain has two parts - one that assumes and the other that validates the assumption and as long as both work, it's good.
- talking especially with a psychologist is good. Their familiarity with a problem helps ward fear off. Sometimes they do introduce new fear by giving too much information - sometimes unnecessary.
- how we understand our past can always change with new information.
- truth is not always helpful. There's no need to lie but sometimes unkind truths are better left unsaid.
- worrying about what others think is sometimes okay and better to control your feelings.
- sometimes the people who are willing to listen do not have the best advice to give. Sometimes the people who are difficult to strike a conversation with may be helpful. At the end you have to decide how to help yourself.
- things are not in our control. It's important to build resilience.
Happiness :
Dinner at Sangeetha with dad , many days
Appa giving me courage from his life
Rides with appa
His puja ritual
Zaya being mischevious with appa
Temple visits
Karpagam mess
Pri and Santhu and amazing food @ mithai mandir
Shailu home with her little ones
Walks, tea kadai.
The resilience of our maid Alamelu.
The great food from our cook - briyani, rasam, the great thogayals and chutneys, the chapathis and adais and podimas.
before India happiness
Rats been cooking for a few weeks now. Fried rice and tacos and all such warm things.
Went to the office, actually tried to focus. Usra came home. Felt like a normal human being. It was refreshing.
When Zaya talks to her grandma , I enjoy the motherliness of this experience
Caught Ajey asking me if I wanted more food and using Zaya's modulation. She's the cutest. She puts the sign language on - shakes her head with a rhetorical gesture - and uses her expressive eyes and says 'More?'. Her 'Oh Nooo!' is also one of her cute expressions.
Learning
- sleep masterclass - the stats around daylight savings.
