Happiness, Food, Zaya, character, Work, People, Learning, Exercise, Entertainment.
The happiness and the peacefulness of the vacation was what most of Oct and Nov were about. A lot about how I felt for India and USA in comparison changed.
December was about re focusing on a routine, leaping in terms of cooking , being at home with Zaya and Rat more than usual, being aware of the bossy self, recognizing the need to do things we enjoy as a couple in order to nurture what we had before duties came in, also recognizing the dormant energy inside that seems to want to tune in to singing and dancing and the thoughts that come with it.
Happiness
Feeding her has been needing more attention and BnT seems to be taking care of her better than we do.
Coming back felt lonely for a bit, but I'm slowly getting into the groove of cooking, cleaning, Zaya'ing, driving and working.
What I'm thankful for firstly in December is the phone call I had with Lav and Log - one discussing baby duties, another co-working over video calls listening to good music by the great DJ Log. Touch wood. It felt good to have company while I worked. I am always a little scared of the good relationships that I like to keep them at a distance and not let anything distract the beauty of it. I would love to break that rule and spend more time with the ones I used to have a good time with, without letting much come in between what could be a great time.
Driving.
Yoga.
Got a year planner for 2023. Will plan vacations, health checkups / appointments, birthdays, and maybe some memories.
Got a projector.
the idli podi that appa sent. yumm.
Many days of below average food. But one day where everything tasted awesome, like momma's meals, I wanted to have a little of this and a little of that and then I'd go on one more round. Mint chutney that went great with quinoa and chips. A keera poriyal with coconut and carmelized onion and garlic that was amazing. A decent chow chow kootu. Some decent vendakka.
I said I'm making semia today knowing very well Ajey was judging me and feeling inside 'I think I'm going to change how he feels about semia.' And sure I did. He said I'll never call this semia again. This is like noodles - yes it was hot , spicy n yummy.
Zaya's holiday party
Having a goal to do accounts for the whole year during the weekend and actually pushing it quite well with AJ's help. Finding incorrect charges and getting a refund by reaching to support.
An amazing fried rice briyani experiment :D
trying at work.
Had one of those long conversations that could have easily been annoying with Ajey but we patiently ruminated and exchanged ideas.
1. Why I am okay keeping myself in safe mental spaces now that I am a mom and cannot risk being in places where it takes a while to disconnect from anxiety.
2. Where I have to pay attention so I can give Zaya better options on how to respond and act. Also what we could do better so I don't have to talk about the same things again.
3. The choice of food - the number of departments it checks off - nutrition, taste, safety, variety, money, environment, packaging. How we'd like to focus on metrics like money and frequency.
4. The main topic was anxiety around sharing part of you with the public be it when one sings , dances or discusses. There could be many motivations to why one shares something and therefore different kind of anxieties to manage. One, you feel you are talented. Two, you feel you can positively engage someone's time or even elevate the vibration. Three, you feel lonely and want to connect. Or you want attention. Four, you want to challenge the status quo. The anxieties that can arise are 1. You realize you are not talented. 2. You are not positively engaging. 3. Others judge you 4. You cause discomfort. 5. You are expecting acceptance and opening room for comparison. 6. Opinions may be useless.
I guess the trick is in finding yourself and your authenticity and challenging your anxiety to slowly Leave you. If you are not talented, well you are at least practicing your authenticity. If you are not positively engaging, well if it mattered to even one person that's great. If others judge you, you can use it to practice being authentic in spite of judging. You don't have to be accepted, you hang on until you find good people when you are lonely. Opinions can help people on the same side to strengthen bonds and may be even act. Challenging status quo is something you are allowed to do by getting comfortable doing it little by little.
It's good to express truth, beauty, connection. It's good to be conscious of not hurting or alienating someone by what you express. Also, try not distracting. And doing things just for attention - it can be an energy sucker.
one day of getting out of the house to watch lights. the part I enjoyed was getting out of the house. paying 40 bucks to watch lights - i'd been happier giving it off to someone in need.
enjoyed a nice pasta that Rat made, It was so refreshing to be on the receiving end and not in the kitchen
grove is a nice place, when you are in a nice mood. I have expert skills in getting pissed.
A random netflix movie helped move my brain from anger.
I need to take myself out on dates.
a few sad things
how one maintains standards - the language to employ when pushed to limits.
when one has been extended so much support in life and refuses to take the right decisions to support oneself, it brings about a disappointment and anger. the fact that many people with worser circumstances do well, many deserving people would die for such opps , that at some point, everyone grows up at one point in life and chooses to become an adult. I hope better outcomes arrive, and firstly better outcomes are sincerely sought within oneself.
The different energies inside you and their need for self expression.
Being at home during new years in an apartment with your partner is a challenging experience sometimes. Some days you figure out your own energy, Some day you suddenly share a laugh and try your wedding dance in what feels like a partner moment in a very long time. Sometimes the gaps bring up the expectations you have. How you like to be treated. When you go out, how you like to be treated. All those things... and how it falls flat like a cake and you end up having to choose between holding your anger or adjusting expectations. Also hate when people wish me for the paper anniversary (or any anniversary for that matter) - it reminds me again and again about how terribly it was treated.
Self Talk
It has been a time of trying, and with trying comes challenges. Trying to sleep with Zaya wanting milk (somedays, all through the night). Trying to wake up in time. Trying to cook at home. Trying to make something special. Trying to figure out work. It can be hard to be tolerant, to know that you tried and still something fell short of what you expected, to know some days you see yourself slipping into a frustrated, stern person, to not know how time ran past. It is good to realize all this, it is good to recognize that you don't want to burn out. It is good to recognize that you are trying many things at once. It's good to take a moment to tap yourself , firstly for trying, and also to see how you could make this better for yourself.
So here goes :
- Cooking at home is special when you are at the eating end, and from the cooking area it would be a good experience if it was more efficient, simple and fulfilling(tasty). It's important to be consistent with this knowing it's healthier, a way to exercise your choice on how you would like to interact with the world. That said, somedays there are other priorities and so having simpler solutions and eating out is absolutely fine! It's also okay if dishes taste different from what you imagined, just know you tried and thank yourself for trying for yourself to show up and be there :)
- Zaya - she is a baby - with emotions she can't communicate and with needs in the night and with food and attention and independence and car seats and with not enough ways to express herself. It's important to always tolerate and be calm with her so she can regulate herself. It would be great if we get her to eat well in the day and sleep well in the night. Food, cleaning, bathe, oil, reading/playing, day care, sleep, explore, talking.
- I need to make time for yoga, walks, meditation - I need to be in touch with calm and be aware to bring myself to calm.
- Work - it's an opportunity, it fuels a lot in life and is a great place to practice focus and will power.
- Social
- Chores / konmari
- Scooter
- A little more than hugs
Zaya :
Food :
Steaming and trying a variety of food with Zaya.
Figured out good idlis - and did this 5 more times with mixie and grinder and old rice and new rice and still figuring out perfection, gotta figure out dosas better too.
Satisfactory : podalanga kootu, cabbage poriyal.
Attempted dis-satisfactorily : ven pongal , chakkara pongal. Red chori. paneer crispies. paal halwa,
Outside : cream puff, flan. Apollo fish at abiruchi. Tres Leches cake = yumm.
Yoga:
Got Sushmita who I met in India to train me personally. She talks and explains quite a bit, but also seems thorough about her process. I know she is one who pushes limits. She made me do a few poses and seemed very happy that I am off to a very good start. What was interesting today was the breath. Mouth-open breaths take a bit to get used to , but I like the process of experimenting with it. Kumbha or the state of being at ease with the breath while in difficult poses is something we are looking at. Also spoke about how we need different breaths based on if we want to energize or calm down etc.
a day of chaturanga practice
a schedule to follow, shoulder stand
Reading / Infotainment
Little more of the focus book :
Concentration is the ability to hold attention with awareness either for a good amount of time or willfully and consciously moving it from one place to another.
Willpower is exercising the muscle of holding focus in one place. The negative side of it is stubbornness , and the positive side of it is practiced in the bed of love, care and principles.
Do it well.
Do something more.
Intentional Eating @ Masterclass:
Deciding what we eat has almost the same power as casting a vote. It defines how plants and animals are grown, how the earth is treated, how food is transported, how employees through the cycle are treated, and finally how we treat ourselves.
It also dispels the myth behind labels such as cage free, farm fed etc.
Food waste accounts for a lot of greenhouse gases and therefore informs how to be careful in what we eat.
Victor Cheng on Force Multipliers
Reputation. Relationship. Technology. Documented Procedures. Expertise. A growing market. Deep specialization(not just knowing but knowing something rare). Big picture (Connector / CEO)
Random
I'm starting to see that there are few combinations of skills in companies. Brain Work and Energy Work and work guthirais. Brain work = deep specialized knowledge working in the weeds inclining to perfection. Energy work = Broad knowledge , collecting the threads, keeping the momentum inclining to progress , engagement. And guthirais, of course = repetitive work, sincerely.
Entertainment
