Summary : A lot of back-and-forth thoughts and nothing decisive yet, a lot of politics on whatsapp, some progress at work, good food, some outings. Scooter walks. Small back problems, but overall good health.
Month
August was a month of small tiny changes amidst difficulties. It felt good that even though everything was dragging me down the direction we set for ourselves and worked towards was something we consciously chose. With that, I'd call September is off to a good start.
Zaya fell down from the bed last week. so we've removed the frame and lowered the mattress. The mattress is thick so she can still fall from a height, so instead of finding fences we did the opposite - We left her by herself on the bed and stepped away to observe what she does. She crawled all the way to the boundary and then started crying. It was such an amazing moment. A discovery channel moment. The fact that this flip flapping baby with no sense of direction rolling about in all directions suddenly identified danger and boundary by herself - it was so beautiful to see human brain show it's wonders through this little baby. Next we pulled her leg down and made her hang from the corner of the bed and it's been few days now and she's become an expert at turning around and putting her leg on the floor and getting off the bed. It's amazing.
My old car. Ever since AJ bought his car, we have not been using the old car and we were planning to sell it so we can drive safe cars. It's been on my to-do list for a loooong time to donate the car since it's not easy to sell it. I was surprised that AJ took it upon himself to do this task that he usually does not bother - putting away old things - and then he got it done. Now we have space for a new better car.
Sometimes I hold Zaya , think about her teenage , her exciting future, her being her own woman and then travel back to the present and feel like I'm holding the tiny version of this woman in my hands. It feels like seeing her whole life in a moment and it moves me a lot to be holding this precious little human. This honor of experiencing her and this opportunity of being her mother. I knew I wanted this and when the hard parts happened it was hard too, and yet having her makes me feel like I never could have imagined what she could mean until she did her magic.
Restaurant food.
Ajey's call to cancel a flight and go to the doctor and the relief I got from that.
I missed Scooter and want to find a better place for him. It is good to know what better meant.
Zaya has learnt to say Hi, has learnt to prank us by acting like she put something in her mouth, of course to scream and possibly fake-cry. She has learnt to point at us with one finger.
I have let her be her own self, the day care does good work with her. I could be doing more things for her - still not sure when is the right time or what. like reading.
I like this month for not being sick a lot except for the back issue that got better. I like this month for being home and focusing better. After 20 months , I got my periods back too.
This month involved a lot of chocolate. Bittersweet chocolate cake from Thyme, kukia, ritters, hemp chocolate, caramel that PACT send - just a lot of happiness aka addicition :D
This Sri Lankan shef made some amazing hakka, some kothu roti in Srilankan style and this taste-of-home meen kozhambu that I had with dosa. It was all awesome - the flavors, the crunch of hand cut garlic and ginger, the vendhayam in the kozhambu - all that goodness.
Not been cooking much at all. Thankful for restaurants - a recent one I found was Tulsi and I love the food - they have a $10 veg dum briyani (during inflation!!!) and it even tasted good. Someday maybe I'd be interested in cooking, but for now I'm just happy it's not one thing I'm choosing to put on my to-do. Yes it's probably more economic and healthy to be cooking at home, but a few things are what I'm trying my hands on and so be it.
YUMI for Zaya - I've been able to give her such a variety of food , thanks to this.
Call with Sneha and the happiness of discussing Chennai things :)
Meeting Gowri at Santee Alley and seeing a new side of LA.
Going to UCLA , eating at Tulsi really good food :P and then walking in that area and going to the botanical garden there :)
Beach day. Zaya's first wave :)
I loved masterclass and Indra Nooyi is on it so I got it back :) . Here's some recap on how I felt about masterclass and some notes from Indra Nooyi;s book that I read last year:
https://anniemoney.blogspot.com/2021/07/what-ive-been-listening-masterclasscom.html
https://anniemoney.blogspot.com/2021/09/masterclass-updates.html
https://anniemoney.blogspot.com/2021/09/indra-nooyis-my-life-in-full.html
:(
Russians are fighting so they don't have to be enrolled in military. Iranians are fighting so they can wear their hair the way they want. We are in 2022. :|
Learning
I gave my ear to two friends who opened up to me about trauma - coincidentally the same kind of trauma. It was surprising just how normal things look for people on the outside and when you hear people's journeys you learn how much children go through that one may say is beyond their age. I don't know if me listening to them makes it any better for them, but for that moment I was happy to hold space for their feelings. I am proud of people that go through hard lives and are trying to figure out how to live their lives without holding anger.
Some things that come out of my mind out of concern for others feel like learnings for myself. Like when I say something so confidently to someone else - it is a revelation that it is something I am yet to add as a value in life.
"I told her people who had a hard past and trauma have to find the support for them to process their feelings but they cannot use it as an excuse to treat people in their life in a way that is not respectful."
That's easier said than done.
Someone I know spoke about the lack of independence and the lack of care she feels. It struck a cord. I can empathize a little about old age and I can also understand the other side of being used to space, being used to the weight of independence and the respect/pride it gives.
I'm reading this book called 'Unwavering focus' by a Shaivite priest Dandapani. It is great - it feels familiar with the theory of neural paths and some concepts similar to what is said in Buddhism but is still insightful in that it helps to get into the details. Of course, this book is useless if one does not practice what it teaches. This book is not spiritual, it purely sticks to techniques for focus.
Outside of the book, a Few spiritual concepts that I have been meddling with that I would not have paid heed to before.
- That everyone chooses their path - and the people with hard lives progress with their learning.
- The concept about focusing and the discomfort of not exploring. My mind is like Scooter who likes to be outside and explore. It's taking a bit to convince my mind to be an obedient dog.
- that you want to have no good or bad karma to be able to make this one the last one.
I've been researching hinduism and it's been hard because there are things you read about and question that can be offensive to one's values but you have to keep going in search of what is another angle you can think about this. To assume I don't yet know is a good attitude to do the due diligence required to see what there is to learn from a body of philosophy.
I noticed at work there was a lot of talk about God in one of the interviews with a board member and somehow it was hard for me to see it be a main topic, whereas a lot of others were feeling happy about being able to bring one's authentic self. I've subscribed to the book and am looking forward to hearing more about her journey and learn from it and also to grow my tolerance in understanding that people should be their own authentic selves and I can still respect and be inspired by people with different beliefs than me.
